


Mind Games

by Laurawrzz



Series: Destiny/Memento Collection [7]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Destiny/Memento, F/M, Gallifrey, Gallifreyan History (Doctor Who), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Manipulation, Married The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Memories, Mind Games, Multiple Doctors (Doctor Who), Parents Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Post-Episode AU: s04e13 Journey's End, Post-Regeneration (Doctor Who), Prydonian Academy (Doctor Who), Regeneration (Doctor Who), Tenth Doctor Era, Tenth Doctor Whump, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Fluff, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Whump, The Year That Never Was (Doctor Who), Time War (Doctor Who), Torture, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25394392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurawrzz/pseuds/Laurawrzz
Summary: “His body has regenerated but his mind hasn’t regenerated with it,” the Master explained patiently. “His mind is in limbo.”“I don’t understand …”“Oh, come on,” the Master moaned, his palm on his forehead. “Okay,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “When Time Lords regenerate, they regenerate both their body and their mind. The Doctor has successfully regenerated his body, but his mind did not. He’s stuck between two minds. To put it simply.”Rose nodded slowly, taking that in. “So what do we do?” she asked anxiously.“You need to go inside his mind, find him, and bring him out."~ ΘΣ ~The Doctor has regenerated into the same body, and his tenth persona has become trapped within his own mind. Rose must enter his mind to save what's left of her Time Lord, battling riddles and games and searching his deepest, darkest memories from all of his lives to reach Ten and free him from his own mental prison.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Destiny/Memento Collection [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/268567
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	1. Through the Defences

**Author's Note:**

> Reworked story originally posted on FF.net many years ago. This series is an unashamed epic TenRose baby continuing collection, that utilises every tiny tidbit of Who canon, both in the show and in its extended lore. It's also exceptionally whumpy and some smidgens of smut enroute. So if that isn't your thing, run awaaaay! :o
> 
> Aaaaand back! This one's a short one, only 15 chapters. The prelude to this is called 'Time', but I don't think you have to read that to get this one. 
> 
> At the end of the previous story the Doctor and Rose managed to trick his regeneration and get him to regenerate into the same body, but it's gone terribly wrong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor’s regeneration has gone terribly wrong, and the only help Rose has to save him is the Master.

The Doctor’s hand began to turn warm in her grip. Rose opened his eyes, just a little, and saw the painfully familiar bright golden hue dancing on his skin.

“Yes,” she implored. “Yes, come on!”

Suddenly his hand snatched away from her, the golden spiral erupting around his head and hands as he arched back, his arms forced outwards. Rose quickly backed away, curling into the foetal position to try and keep away from the light as it continued to spiral out, the sound almost deafening her. She could do nothing but watch and pray that it would be okay.

It seemed to go on forever. She even had enough time to think about what she’d do if he wasn’t the same. What if he got a new face? What if it hadn’t worked?

It didn’t take her long to decide. Not now.

Whatever his face, she just wanted him to smile at her.

The golden light abruptly stopped, and for a moment Rose couldn’t see his face - obscured by the afterenergy. So she remained silent and still, staring at the clouds of gold until they began to dissolve …

“Yes!” she cried in triumph, diving forward to him again, grabbing his wrist to check for a pulse. It was going, strong and normal, attached to a thin body topped with messy brown hair, sideburns and that big pouty bottom lip. She felt compelled to throw herself onto him and kiss each of these things, so she did. She even checked his eyes - both of which remained that beautiful brown - and kissed them too. She kissed his nose, his eyebrows, and even checked his chest hair which was all present, kissing that too.

She then drew back to look at him as a whole, his skin warm and glowing like she hadn’t seen for months as he laid there with those bandages on his torso. She quickly pulled them off to reveal the skin was completely healed. The various scars he’d had before were also gone, except his appendectomy scar. For a brief moment she wondered why, but quickly realised that because he’d had his template directly from her she’d probably been the one who’d wanted to keep it.

He looked a little younger too; about her age. His hair seemed much thicker than before, and his eyes were a little bigger. She felt she was obliged to check that the area below had all regenerated fine, and consequently realised that his eyes and hair weren’t the only thing that she had unintentionally made a bit bigger.

“Jesus!” she exclaimed, and looked up at him again. “Doctor?”

As if on cue, his eyes flickered open. The slight size increase had made him look even cuter than before as he stared up at her, blinking in a daze.

“We did it!” she said triumphantly. “Doctor, you regenerated into the same body! Well, mostly, but I swear I didn’t mean to make your …”

“Ei'holah-o'solnao,” he interrupted quietly, and passed out.

“What? Doctor!” she cried, shaking his shoulder before she quickly forced herself to calm. He was speaking Gallifreyan. He had ...

“Post-regeneration sickness,” the man completed from behind her. “He just said to you that he couldn’t speak Solian.”

Rose turned quickly, and met with the man. Only this time she recognised him from her memory.

“Master,” she whispered, stepping in front of the Doctor to protect him. “If you lay a finger on him …”

The Master sighed. “I thought we were through that. You need my help.”

“What!?”

The Master looked at the Doctor, and then back at her. “... Now comes the hard part.”

“The hard part?” Rose croaked, unable to even look at the Master. “But …”

“Shut up and listen,” the Master interrupted rudely. “His regeneration has been extremely traumatic. He’s lost himself.”

Rose frowned. “What d’you mean by 'lost himself'?”

“His body has regenerated but his mind hasn’t regenerated with it,” the Master explained patiently. “His mind is in limbo.”

“I don’t understand …”

“Oh, come on,” the Master moaned, his palm on his forehead. “Okay,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “When Time Lords regenerate, they regenerate both their body and their mind. The Doctor has successfully regenerated his body, but his mind did not. He’s stuck between two minds. To put it simply.”

Rose nodded slowly, taking that in. “So what do we do?” she asked anxiously.

“You need to go inside his mind, find him, and bring him out,” the Master told her.

“Inside his mind…” Rose repeated, struggling to even conceive of such an idea. “And that’s it? If I don’t, what happens?”

“He won’t wake up.”

Rose swallowed, terrified at that notion. “I’ve gotta go in then,” she concluded.

“It’ll be dangerous,” he advised her. “ The Doctor has a lot of mind defences even when he's comatose. Getting past these will be hard, but it’ll be made easier by your bond with him."

"What d'you mean?" Rose asked. "Mind defences?"

"The place you’ll enter is purely the landscape of the Doctor's mind. His defences will take the shape appropriate to his and your subconscious," the Master explained patiently.

"Like what?"

"Anything from monsters, to games, to giant walls. You'll have to get past all of them before you can reach him - or whatever's left of him."

Rose nodded, swallowing slightly as she tried to disguise her nerves, but somewhat failing.

He was still gazing at her. “ Though because the Doctor’s having so much trouble in post-regeneration... There is a reason for that. His psyche will have turned what's stopping the regeneration in something very dangerous, maybe a creature of some kind. It will be trying to stop you getting to his body - it may even try to kill you. If you died inside the Doctor’s head that will have absolutely disastrous consequences for him … and also for you.”

Rose nodded again, slightly more positive. “Okay. I’m warned.”

“I won’t be able to communicate with you. I’ll keep monitoring you from here. If I sense you’re in danger, I’ll pull you out. He might sense that you’re trying to get in and help you if he can, but that’s not a promise. Still want to do it?”

Rose paused, gazing at the Doctor’s impassive face. This was it. If she didn’t do this, didn’t at least try, the Doctor would never wake up. The father of her children; the beautiful alien she was still so painfully in love with. Sleeping forever.

“I’ll do it,” Rose said, looking up at the Master again.

He nodded. “Put your fingers to his temples.”

She did, hardly able to believe she was taking orders from the Master. But surely if he wanted them dead, he would’ve killed them by now?

It wasn’t like she had a choice either way.

The Master stepped up behind her. She tensed slightly. If he noticed that he ignored it, placing his hands over hers.

“Ready?” he asked, his voice somewhere behind her right ear.

She nodded. “Ready.”

“Good luck,” he said.

Almost immediately the world in front of her began to warp, colours merging into another, in some kind of strange hallucinogenic effect. She found it so disorientating she had to snap her eyes shut to block it out as she felt her body begin to lighten and her mind seemingly begin to disconnect with her physical presence …

Then everything inside her eyelids turned a bright, blinding white.

* * *

Rose hit the floor hard, though there was no pain. She felt exceptionally disorientated, and it took a few moments for her to get onto all fours, and then eventually on her feet, blinking hard.

She was standing in a plain white room about the size of the TARDIS console room. There was a single white door placed right in front of her.

Was this it? The Doctor’s head? It was a little emptier than she thought...

Suddenly she realised the room was beginning to darken. She looked around for a source upwards, and saw something dark up above that seemed to be getting bigger, and bigger, and …

It was a massive foot, about to squash her.

She barely had any time to think of what to do before darkness consumed the entire room and the foot slammed straight onto her.

* * *

Rose woke up abruptly with a high-pitched scream.

She blinked open her eyes, finding herself lying on the floor with the Master knelt over her. There was something warm trickling down from her nose. Blood.

“Well that wasn’t a good start,” the Master said, blasé. 

“There was this  _ giant  _ foot … Oh god I died!” Rose realised, blinking erratically.

“You were lucky you were only at his first barrier, you had a warning shot across the bows. Any further in and you wouldn't have been so lucky. Maybe I underestimated you …” he mused.

“No,” Rose said quickly. “I’ll try again.”

The Master looked at her seriously. “Telepathy is an extremely dangerous weapon, Rose. Even more so when involving your delicate, untrained human brain. His defences are designed to scare, hurt, outwit and intimidate intruders enough to make them stop attacking his mind. He might kill you, he can’t help it, it’s nothing personal. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Rose nodded almost immediately. “Yeah. I wasn’t ready.”

The Master sighed, helping her back into position. “All right. But don’t blame me if you die.”

The world began to warp and change once more.

* * *

Rose woke up again. However, this time she got up quickly, running to the door as fast as possible. The room was getting increasingly blacker …

She made it through the door and slammed it closed just before the giant foot crashed down.

She quickly checked the new room for threats, but it seemed to be empty. Apprehensive, she stepped forward, but suddenly the floor began to crack below her foot. She yelped in alarm and jumped back, just in time, as the floor fell away down into what looked like a pit of hell. Fire, lava, rocks beneath, leading down into an abyss …

The entire floor fell away, apart from the little circle she was standing on. She froze, utterly paralysed, before something roared. A deep, carnivorous roar, echoing up through the deep. Coming up. Coming for her.

Rose squeezed her eyes shut. “Doctor, help me, Doctor, help me ...” she muttered repeatedly under her breath.

Hold on.

Scare and intimidate, the Master had said.

If the Doctor really  _ was  _ here, then he wouldn’t let her fall. If she could just believe …

Keeping her eyes firmly closed, she lifted a foot, and stepped forward.

She didn’t plummet down.

She opened her eyes and looked down. She was walking on a flat surface, the hell below still there but she seemed to be walking on an invisible floor. It confused her senses so much she had to keep moving, across the room and through the next door. An overwhelming sense of relief overcame her as soon as she passed through, shutting the door behind her.

She checked the room quickly, but there seemed to be nothing posing an immediate threat. In front of her were three doors, sitting there silently. So she took a moment to breathe a sigh of relief, leant against the door. She was beginning to hate this.

But she didn’t have any choice but to go on.

She hesitated for a moment, not sure which door to pick. Eventually she settled on the left door, it seemed as good as any, before moving forward and grasping the handle.

She threw it open and only just about ducked in time as a long spear flew out with amazing speed, straight where her heart had been half a second ago. It flew across the room and buried itself in the far wall about a foot deep.

She tried the middle next. It opened, she ducked, but nothing came out. After a long, tense silence, she sneaked a peek and saw that the way was clear. She dived through and closed the door behind her, finding herself in yet another room. There was another door on the other side, waiting patiently for her to get there. On the door was written something, but she couldn’t read it from where she was.

She moved forward a few paces, but nothing seemed to be coming at her. She took a few more paces, and suddenly realised with a pang of horror that she could hear footsteps behind her.

She whirled around, but there was no one there. Just the door she’d come through.

She faced forward again, steeling herself to take another step. The following footsteps sounded again, though this time … Yes, they were becoming  _ louder. _

“Doctor, Doctor …” she breathed, turning again and seeing absolutely nothing. “Scare and intimidate,” she whispered, strained. “Scare and intimidate … Not real, not real ...”

She took another pace. The footsteps followed her, even louder. 

She stuck her fingers in her ears, and quickly took three more paces. The footsteps followed, seemingly impervious to her covering up her ears - as though they were inside her head. They were getting  _ louder _ , and  _ closer … _

“Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!” she repeated over and over in a desperate mantra, wishing and praying that he could hear her. She took three more steps. The other steps followed, now so close she was sure whatever they belonged to could reach out and touch her…

The white writing on the door was now clearly readable, written messily:

**Don’t turn around Rose**

Was that him? Was that the Doctor? Or was it another trick? Maybe she  _ had  _ to turn around in this game and the words were trying to trick her.

She refocused on the words. They’d changed.

**Please don’t turn around**

She swallowed nervously. She had no idea what to do. “Doctor, Doctor, Doctor,” she whispered repeatedly, starting up in her mantra again. It was comforting more than anything else. It was certainly helping with the fear. 

She looked up at the door once more where the words had changed once again.

**Trust me**

Okay. So there wasn’t much choice. Either turn around, or follow the instruction of weird wall writing. Well, all things considered, she didn’t actually  _ want  _ to look back.

So she took another step forward. She was followed. She braved about four more steps. The footsteps were now impossibly close. By the time she reached the door she could feel a cold breath on the back of her neck.

She grabbed the handle and passed through, slamming it shut behind her before she looked up at another black room. It was so dark she couldn’t see the next door.

Suddenly there was a loud thud from over head. She looked up, and was nearly blinded by a bright white light directly above her, highlighting her in the room, but the light was so bright she still couldn’t see more than a foot in front of her.

She moved to get out of it, but it followed her. She was in a spotlight, and she could hear rustling, squeaking … something was about to find her, she realised. And somehow she knew it wasn’t butterflies.

She ran. She couldn’t see the door, but it had to be there. She hit the wall and began to run her hands over it, desperately trying to find a handle. 

She couldn’t find one. 

It wasn’t there. 

“Doctor!” she screamed, not that she thought he would help her, but she always felt better when she yelled it.

Then, whether by sheer coincidence or if he really was with her, her hand clasped down on the handle. She yanked down on it and fled into the next room. As she closed the door behind her hundreds of thuds rained on the wood.

“Please end now,” she moaned, but no such luck. Another dark room, and in the middle was a giant mirror, separating her from the exit. There she could see her reflection gazing back at her, looking nothing short of utterly petrified. It looked even more scared than she felt.

Just a mirror. She could handle that. She moved forward, and her reflection moved with her. She reached the mirror, and pressed up a hand against it to see if she could pass through.

“ _ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! _ ” her reflection suddenly screamed like a banshee, her eyes wide and terrified, the inside her mouth coated with thick blood.

Rose screamed and jumped away so fast she fell back into the floor, her heart beating so fast and hard she thought it might break through her ribs. She gasped in a few breaths, dared to look up again, and saw her reflection lying there as she was, just as a reflection should.

Shaking, she got up and stepped forward again, swallowing hard. This wasn’t fun.  _ This wasn’t fun. _

She had to get through the mirror somehow. But how?

She looked around her, and saw an axe lying on the floor. She grabbed it and held it in both of her sweaty, shaking hands, looking back up at her reflection.

Her reflection’s eyes were suddenly so dead and hollow as it stood there, clutching desperately to the axe.

With every bead of courage she could summon, she stepped forward, lifted the axe, and cut it straight into the mirror.

The reflection screamed, but this time it was a scream of primal rage. As she repeatedly hacked her way into the mirror her reflection was screaming, her eyes wide and crazed. With every hit blood was splattering onto her reflection and innards flying, as though she were axing a  _ person. _

She snapped her eyes shut, but that didn’t stop it. The image was engraved inside her eyelids of herself, murderous and insane. Finally she heard the mirror shatter, her reflection screamed, and she was already through the next door, tears of pure terror streaming down her face.

“I want out,” she whined, covering her face with her hands, shaking badly. “Let me out, Doctor…”

“You’re okay,” a man said.

Rose looked up in surprise, and immediately her tears stopped as she realised who it was.

“Doctor!” she cried, running to him before she realised that something was wrong. He was sitting in the corner in his brown suit, shrouded in a hood, his wrists and feet in thick, heavy chains. 

Immediately she stepped back, afraid. “You’re not real,” she concluded quickly. “It’s another trick.”

“Rose, it’s okay,” he said gently. “Don’t be scared.”

“Stop talkin’ with his voice!” Rose demanded, backing away even more. “Stop pretendin’ to be him!”

“It’s me, I promise,” he insisted. “Please help me.”

Her expression softened slightly. “I’m tryin’.”

“There’s no time to explain. He’s got me, he’s trying to dominate me.”

“Who is?”

_ “Him,”  _ the Doctor stressed.

Rose cautiously stepped forward again, and dared to kneel down in front of him. She couldn’t see his face through the hood. She reached up to push it back.

“Don’t take it off, please,” he asked desperately.

“I wanna see your face,” she insisted.

“It’s not my face,” the Doctor stressed. “It’s not like you remember me. Please don’t look.”

Rose paused, and let her hand drop again. “Okay, I won’t look,” she promised. “What do I do?”

“I need all the pieces of me to fight him. I’m not strong enough like this.”

“Wanna explain that without the fantasy stuff?” she asked seriously.

“When I regenerate, my mind regenerates too. But since I regenerated trying to be the same as before, the next ‘mind’ was supposed to be erased. But he wasn’t erased. He’s in here, trying to dominate my head. He doesn’t want to die before he gets a chance to live. He won’t stop until I’m gone and he can take control. If we can find everything that makes the Doctor, I can fight him.”

She nodded, slowly, despite the ridiculous nature of this. “Okay.”

“My head has made the fight into a landscape you can comprehend,” he continued. “Something you can deal with. You need to search my mind - through my emotions, memories, everything - to try and find the fractured pieces of what makes me.”

Rose nodded again.

“Take me with you,” he said, almost begging. “Because of the bond we’re stronger together.”

Rose took his arm, helping him to his feet. The heavy chains refused to budge. He’d have to go with them on. She felt compelled to hug him, though his body definitely didn’t feel the same as before.

“God, I thought I’d lost you,” she moaned.

“You haven’t found me yet,” the Doctor reminded her.

She sighed and linked her arm through his. “Why is this never easy?”

“Be no fun otherwise,” the Doctor joked.

Rose smiled, looking up at the hood. She could only see thin slits of brown eyes gazing out.

“Are the rooms over now?” she asked.

“Yes, you’ve made it through my defences,” he replied as she opened the final door to the landscape beyond. “Rose Tyler, welcome to my head.”


	2. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose ventures deeper into the Doctor’s mind - to the place of his childhood - to find the first part of him. His innocence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is "Sleepsong" by Secret Garden.

It was morning, two suns rising over the horizon. A huge field stretched in front of them filled with beautiful plains of deep red grass growing wild around their feet, and a snow-capped mountain was in the distance through a throng of silver-leaved trees that appeared to be lit up like a forest on fire. The burnt orange sky bathed them in a comforting warm glow, but even looking at that drew Rose’s attention to a citadel in the distance enclosed in a large dome, dwarfed by a huge mountain.

She could hear strange alien squawks and squeaks of the Gallifreyan animals, and she looked down at her feet just in time to see a strange-looking mouse run by her foot to the left, where she followed it with her eyes to see a mole-like creature burrowing into the dirt in the distance. She caught a glimpse of gold and found a beautiful butterfly-type creature with golden wings whizzing around in front of her for a moment before quickly zooming off into the distance.

“This is Gallifrey, isn’t it?” Rose breathed, stunned like a gunshot between the eyes at the beauty and magnificence of the place. Of course, he’d described it to her before, but even that description failed to give justice to it.

He nodded. “I think so,” he said.

“It’s beautiful. God, if I lived here I’d never leave,” Rose said, dropping to her haunches to pick at some of the grass. It ripped just like normal grass, but the broken stems seemed to be leaving an aroma of what smelt like cinnamon. She held the grass up to her face, inhaling deeply. It smelt so nice.

“I wonder why I did,” the Doctor mused.

Rose looked at him, getting up again. “You can’t remember why you left?”

“I don’t know what’s in my memories. He has them all.”

“How does that work?”

“I know they happened, but they’re like events on a calendar. I can’t remember being part of them. I just know where to find them.”

“And in these memories are the pieces of you, yeah?”

He nodded. “Inside my memories there’ll be objects, objects that represent aspects of my personality. I need them all.”

“So where do we go?”

“I don’t know,” the Doctor confessed. 

“So it’s up to me,” Rose realised. “I’ve gotta pick out the memories that will have these objects. Really strong, powerful memories, yeah?”

He nodded. 

Rose could already see what that meant. “So … I have to  _ know  _ you. It’s me. I’ve gotta try and think of what’s in your head. You can’t help me.”

He shook his head.

“Okay, let’s start from the beginnin’,” she said thoughtfully. “What piece of you should be first?”

“Innocence.”

“Well, that’s gotta be easy, yeah?” she said. “Show me your earliest memory.”

* * *

The Doctor led her quite a way, but Rose didn’t mind the walk. The surroundings were so beautiful that it was a pleasure, walking across the fields towards a mountain, the red grass steadily changing to deep snow beneath their feet. 

Rose could see an absolutely massive house sitting halfway up the mountain, almost hidden behind a row of silver-leafed trees. The Doctor led her right up to it, to a pair of grand old oaken doors, carved with some kind of crest of two silver-leafed trees, their branches intertwining. As soon as they reached them they opened inwards with a loud, echoing  _ creak! _ to allow entry. It was dark inside; slightly foreboding.

“This is where my earliest memory is,” the Doctor told her. 

Rose nodded, and led him inside. As soon as they passed the threshold the doors slammed shut behind them, making her jump slightly.

“God, hope that opens back up again,” she mused, before turning to regard the new area they were standing in. They were in a huge hall, dark and grand, a long red carpet stretching from the door to a grand staircase around a hundred metres away. There were hanging portraits of important-looking men along the walls in proud postures, and strange trees climbing the arches of the tunnel. The entire place was very lowly lit, and very quiet.

“Scary place to grow up,” Rose noted. “Okay, you must’ve had a nursery or somethin’.”

“Up the stairs, first right,” he told her, pointing with a gloved hand up the stairs.

“Aren’t you comin’?”

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

She nodded. “Okay. See you in a minute.”

Then she left him, ascending the large, grand staircase to the floor above. It was so eerie. When she reached the point of no return, she quickly looked back at him. He was exactly where she’d left him. She gave him a wave, and he waved back.

Then she passed through the door.

"Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay ... Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay ..."

A beautiful voice was singing, echoing up the corridors. For a moment Rose just stood there, listening to the woman’s voice.

"Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby ... Back to the years of loo-li lai-lay ... And I'll sing you to sleep, and I'll sing you tomorrow... Bless you with love for the road that you go ..."

She felt compelled to follow the voice, moving up the corridor, checking each room as she went for any signs of life.

"May you sail fair, to the far fields of fortune ... With diamonds and pearls, at your head and your feet ... And may you need never to banish misfortune ... May you find kindness, in all that you meet."

The voice was getting nearer, she knew. She kept going right to the end of the corridor, where there was a door ajar.

"May there always be angels to watch over you ... To guide you each step of the way ... To guard you, and keep you, safe from all harm ... Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay ..."

She reached the door, looking through the gap. There she saw a woman turned from her, sitting next to a small bed in the low light of a child's room, singing softly. There was a mobile of planets circling above the bed and a night sky imposed in the ceiling above, so real that it seemed as though there were no roof.

“May you bring love and may you bring happiness ... Be loved in return, to the end of your days ... Now fall off to sleep, I'm not meaning to keep you ... I'll just sit for a while, and sing loo-li, lai-lay ..."

The woman stopped singing, and turned to face Rose. She had brown hair with a streak of grey, a wide smile and kind eyes. Rose instantly recognised her from before. The Doctor's mother.

"Shush," she told Rose gently. "I have just got him to sleep."

Then she got up, and left the room.

Rose stepped forward to the bed, not able to resist a look. There was a small boy under the sheets, his eyes closed, his face shining in the moonlight. In his hand was clutched a small paper bag that held an eerie familiarity to her own childhood. A sweet bag.

An object to represent innocence?

She reached forward, ever so carefully extracted the bag from the boy’s slack hand. She checked inside and had to stifle a laugh. Jelly babies. Objects of innocence, of course.

Suddenly a voice interrupted her.

“Can I have those back?”

Rose looked down, surprised to find the boy sitting up, staring at her. For a moment, she was lost for words. “O-oh, sorry. I need ‘em.”

“But they’re mine,” he insisted.

“I know, sorry, but it’s really important I have them.”

“And it’s really important I eat ‘em,” the boy shot back.

Rose smiled at that. “I know. Promise I’ll get you some more.”

“Not good enough,” the boy said, getting up and snatching them back. “You didn’t even say please!”

“Please can I have your Jelly Babies?” Rose amended, exceptionally politely.

He gazed at her for a moment, his eyes narrowed. “All right,” he finally conceded, reaching into the bag. “I’ll give you one. Just one. You can have one.”

He held out a single solitary Jelly Baby, his palm so small the sweet dominated his hand.

She took it. “Thank you,” she said.

“Hmph!” was all the boy said, clearly annoyed, before turning over, pulling up the sheets and closing his eyes again, the bag of Jelly Babies cradled to his chest.

* * *

“Innocence done,” Rose announced as she reached the Doctor, holding up the jelly baby. “I had to fight you for it but I got it.”

He held out his gloved hand, palm flat. She placed the jelly baby into it. Almost immediately the Jelly Baby seemed to melt into his hand, at first bubbling and oozing before seemingly falling through the glove - as though liquefying so thinly it was finding the tiny gaps in the material to seep through to his hand. Then, within seconds, it was gone.

“I remember,” the Doctor breathed as he dropped his hand, looking around at the hall they were standing in. “I remember Gallifrey.” He looked around, pointing at the mountain towering over them through the window. “That’s Mount Lung.” He next waved his hand around the room. “This is the House of Lungbarrow.”

“Your naming day was on Otherstide,” Rose recalled. “You said it was like Christmas and I said that made you like Jesus.”

He laughed at that. “I remember being in the loom, all stretched out, waiting to be born. When they pulled me out I was dripping and screaming. I said … Again. And my cousins all laughed because I had a belly button. They called me Snail. Brax was there; he didn’t laugh. I was created to be President, but they said there was something wrong with the loom and I was flawed. They called me a renega de. Satthralope smacked me so hard I could barely walk. My mother used to sing me to sleep ... before the nightmares started. I used to play here, with Brax. One time I fell into the River Cadenflood and he had to catch me with a harpoon. We swore never to tell my mother.”

She nodded slowly. Half of this she knew, the other half she didn’t. He had told her so many things about himself but it was clear with nearly a thousand years of time travel under his belt he’d not even scratched the surface. “Did you ever tell her?” she wondered.

He shook his head. “Never.”

She smiled at that. “I thought it’d be harder than this,” she confessed. “What’s next?”

“My loneliness,” the Doctor said.

Rose had to think about that for a moment. Where would she find the Doctor most alone? The Time War? After the Time War?

She then stopped thinking, and gazed around at her surroundings. The ominous, dark corridors and complete lack of life in this place. If anyone were to feel lonely, surely it would be here in this dark, terrifying place?

_ Such a lonely little boy. _

He’d told her that was what Madame du Pompadour had said.

_ And my cousins all laughed because I had a belly button. They called me Snail.  _

“This is just a hunch,” she began. “But … show me a memory of you with your cousins.”

He nodded, and began to lead her through the house. But as they walked, a strange, cold wind seemed to rush right through her and for a brief moment, she swore she heard a voice in her ear, hissing like a snake, but the words were indecipherable.

She shivered, stopping in her tracks.

“Okay?” the Doctor asked, concerned.

“I thought …” she trailed off, making to look back over her shoulder. But the Doctor quickly stopped her.

“Don’t turn around,” he stressed.

“What?”

“Never look back.”

“Why?”

“Trust me.”

She frowned. “But …”

“Only look forward. Never look back. Never turn around,” was all he said, before he moved off again, the chinks of the chains around his wrists and foot somehow now so loud and prominent.

She didn’t look back as she followed him towards his next memory.


	3. Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and the soulless Doctor investigate the Doctor’s childhood memories in Lungbarrow to find the time he felt the most alone.

The next memory wasn’t  _ that  _ far away. The Doctor took her through the grand house, down the seemingly endless and maze-like corridors, all of which were dark and foreboding. He eventually stopped, right outside another corridor.

"This is where I leave you," he told her.

She nodded, and stepped through into a corridor.

She almost immediately saw the Doctor, still a young boy, but now a little older. He was walking quickly up the corridor, clutching onto a huge book. She made to catch up with him, when suddenly someone else appeared at the end of the corridor just in front of the little Doctor. Another boy, taller, older, with a sour expression on his face.

“What you got there, Snail?” the other boy taunted, stopping the little Doctor dead in his tracks.

“Nothing,” the little Doctor responded, clutching the book even tighter.

“No, let’s see,” the other boy said, making a lunge for the book as more boys and girls appeared behind him, as though it had been planned.

“Leave me alone, Glospin,” the little Doctor said, obviously trying to be firm but his voice came out as a pathetic squeak.

“Give it here!”

“No,” the little Doctor replied, backing away to run.

Glospin suddenly launched forward, grabbing the book and pulling on it hard. The little Doctor desperately tried to keep a hold of it, but Glospin was far stronger than him and he yanked it out of the little Doctor’s hands with ease.

The other boys and girls laughed at this new development as the little Doctor just stood there, clearly panicking.

“Oh, look,” Glospin began, opening the book. “Why are you keeping a diary, Snail?”

“Give it back!” the little Doctor wailed and tried to grab it, but Glospin held it high out of his reach.

“Today I went to play with Innocet,” Glospin began in a mocking voice, reading from the pages. “Aww, sweet. Do you fancy her, Snail?”

“Give it back!!!” the little Doctor yelled more firmly, tears forming in his eyes.

Glospin smiled evilly at him, took a fistful of pages and ripped them out, dropping them to the floor. “Whoops,” he said insincerely.

“Stop it!”

“Aww, Snail gonna cry?” Glospin mocked, ripping out a few more pages. “Forgotten your brother got kicked out of the House and can't come to save you? Hey, they say you're the one that's gonna redeem the family name …”

The entire crowd of boys and girls laughed.

“Redeem the family name? You can even redeem a book token. I'd say your family line is pretty much dead if it's all in your hands, Snail.”

“Leave me alone, Glospin!”

“Leave me alone, Glospin!” Glospin repeatedly to another chorus of laughs.

“Stop it!”

“Stop it!”

“Stop repeating me!” the little Doctor wailed.

“Stop repeating me!”

“Give it  _ back!”  _ the little Doctor suddenly fumed, lunging forward and pushing Glospin, hard. The surprise caused Glospin to drop the diary and look at the little boy in front of him incredulously.

“You pushed me!”

The little Doctor’s voice was now so weak and pathetic. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to …”

Glospin raised his arms and pushed the little Doctor so hard he fell over, sprawling onto the floor.

“Please, Glospin!” the little Doctor begged, struggling to get to his feet but he was barely up before Glospin knocked him down again. “Let me go!”

“Fight, fight, fight!” the other boys and girls began to chant with enthusiasm. Rose watched, horrified as Glospin grabbed the struggling Doctor around the neck and slammed him onto the wall.

“I s-swear I’ll never p-push you again!” the little Doctor gasped out.

“You’d better not, Snail!” Glospin snapped and pulled back a fist.

Rose snapped her eyes closed, unable to bear seeing what Glospin did next.

“Please, Glospin, that hurts!” the little Doctor gasped.

“Does it? Good!” Glospin spat back.

She couldn’t stand here and watch this. Rose quickly darted out of her hiding place and ran over to the crowd of boys and girls. “Oi, leave him alone!”

Glospin pulled away from the little Doctor like lightning, the poor boy sliding to the floor. “We were just play-fighting,” he told Rose.

“Yeah, whatever,” Rose snapped, glaring at the boy.

“But we were, I swear, weren’t we, Theta?” Glospin insisted, immediately diving to help the little Doctor to his feet and brushing his robes down.

There was a brief pause. Rose caught the tight, painful squeeze Glospin gave to the little Doctor’s arm.

“Yeah,” the little Doctor burst out quickly, clearly struggling to shield his face from her and the others. “We were play-fighting.”

Rose glared at the other boys and girls. “Get lost,” she grated, and immediately the other boys and girls scattered, Glospin included. She moved to the little Doctor, who hurriedly gathered up his diary.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Leave me alone!” the little Doctor demanded, running off cradling his diary.

Rose dropped and picked up a fallen page. “Wait! You forgot a …”

But he was already disappearing around the corner. She quickly followed him to a room not far away. She could hear sobs. She knocked on the door.

“G-go away!” the little Doctor yelled.

“You dropped a page,” Rose told him. He didn’t reply. She entered, finding him curled up on a bed, his eyes red and puffy, his cheeks streaked with tears. She could see that Glospin had done some damage, a little droplet of blood and the side of his face beginning to darken into a bruise.

He looked up at her. “I’m n-not crying.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “Time Lords don’t cry. Why are they so mean to you?”

He didn’t answer that. “L-leave me al-lone,” he gasped through sobs.

“Why?” she asked gently, dropping to sit on the bed.

“P-people don’t get m-mad at me when I’m al-lone.”

Rose looked at him sympathetically. It was clear that what had just happened was quite normal. “I’m not gonna get mad at you,” she assured him, and held out the page she was holding. “You dropped this. I didn’t read it.”

“K-keep it,” the little Doctor sobbed, turning over so she couldn’t see his face. “L-leave me alone.”

She sighed. She wanted to hug him, but she knew he would only push her away.

“It’ll get better,” she told him. “One day you’ll be really happy.”

He didn’t reply, burrowing his head into his pillow. Reluctantly she got up, still holding the page. She didn’t want to leave him, but it was clear he wasn’t letting her near.

She left the room, closing the door behind her. Only then did she read the page.

_ Today I went to play with Innocet. She's the only one who does. No one else wants to play with me. Quences said I should be studying so I can be President. I don't want to study, I want to play. I wish Brax would come home. No one else likes me. _

She had to swallow back her tears, slipping the piece of parchment into her pocket before she began to walk back to where she’d left the Doctor. 

Suddenly there was an almighty  _ creak  _ from below her feet, and something bulged up just a few metres in front of her. She stumbled back, falling over onto the floor as she gasped in surprise. She looked to see what had caused it, before she realised with a kind of unquantifiable confusion that it was the house itself, warping around her.

The walls began to creak and groan, curving in on themselves. She hit the floor again as she was suddenly going up, like a lift accelerating unbelievably fast. The entire house was going  _ up  _ ... 

“Doctor!” she screamed, not that it was going to do anything. She tried to get up but the movement of the house sent her to the floor once more, and now the corridor was beginning to shrink. There was the sound of breaking, like branches breaking in a savage thunderstorm, so loud it was deafening.

She dragged herself along the warping floor with her arms, through the increasing dust and dirt as the corridor continued to shrink. She could see the light in the distance, an exit? The air was so thick with dust she couldn’t see. But  _ s _ he  _ had  _ to get there …

_ If you died inside the Doctor’s head that will have absolutely disastrous consequences for him … and also for you.  _ The Master’s voice echoed in her head.

She continued to drag herself. She was nearly at the light. Just a bit further …

She felt something constrict around her legs. She tried to pull them but they wouldn’t move.  _ They wouldn’t move.  _ Then the entire house then began to turn, forcing her spinning around like a shirt in a washing machine. 

“No!” she gasped, pulling desperately on her legs. With a huge tug that she was sure nearly dislocated her knee she finally got her right leg out, but her left leg was still stuck. She tugged and tugged and tugged but she couldn’t get it out. She needed more leverage. She needed ...

“Rose Tyler!” enthused a voice from above and something grabbed her hand, pulling her with enough force to free her leg. She slid out, coughing and choking in the dust and mud until a pair of hands lifted her upright and helpfully slapped her on the back. “Just a stimulation of the sensory nerves in the lining of the respiratory system, no need to panic.”

Rose looked up, her eyes wet with irritation before the dust began to part, and she saw a hooded man stood there. Not the Doctor, though.

“Th-thanks,” she coughed out.

“Oh, don’t worry,” the man said.

“Who are you?” she asked, reaching up to take off his hood but he quickly backed away.

“Don’t do that,” he advised.

“Why is no one letting me see their face?” Rose moaned.

“Faces,” the man scoffed. “What are you worrying about  _ faces  _ for? You’re in the middle of a memory  _ landscape,  _ inside the Doctor’s  _ head.  _ Memories here and there and flash, like a splat, like a bang, wallop, whatever the word is I don’t know, but you’re in it - well,  _ we’re  _ in it - and well the point of this whole thing is that people here are  _ constructs  _ that don’t conform to the real world rules so Rose Tyler, if I were to show you my face you’d probably slap me,” the man said without taking a single breath of air.

For a moment Rose just stood there, stunned. “Um, what?” she asked. “Wait, never mind … What the hell just happened with that house?” 

He indicated the mountain cliff around twenty metres away. “She uprooted herself and chucked herself off the cliff.”

Rose blinked. “... Right,” she concluded. “Warped memory thing, yeah?”

He nodded. “Two memories, separated by centuries, crashing together,” he said, clapping his hands together. “Result, house throws itself off a cliff.”

“That’s …”

“Weird, very weird,” he finished.

“... Who are you?”

“I’m on your side,” he assured her. “Trust me. You don’t recognise me, not yet - how could you? - but you will, in time. You love me, Rose Tyler. Stay alive. And don’t die. It’s messy.”

Rose continued to stare at him, before he suddenly frowned as she realised something. “Hold on,” she said quickly, wide-eyed. “Where’s the Doctor?”

“All around you?” the man tried, waving his hands around.

“No, his shell. He was in that house,” Rose said quickly. “He was …”

She almost turned around, but quickly stopped herself in time.

_ Don’t turn around. Never look back. _

“Doctor!” she called instead, not moving an inch. 

“Well!” the man said, clapping his hands together. “Better be off.”

“No,” Rose said quickly, grabbing his arm. “Come with us. You can help.”

“No, sorry,” he said, backing away. “Must dash, things to do. See you around, Rose Tyler. And remember, don’t die.”

Then he left. Rose watched him go, careful to turn with her body so as not to be looking over her shoulder as she watched him disappear as he walked away, fading - like a memory - into nothing.

“Rose!”

She looked and saw the Doctor, climbing out of the giant hole the house had left. She ran to meet him, hugging him. 

“God, I thought you were dead,” she said, and quickly dug the diary page from her pocket. “I’ve got loneliness.”

He took it. Once again it seemed to melt into his hand.

“Brax left,” he recalled. “Innocet was the only one who liked me. Glospin bullied me. My father ignored me once so I let a cobblemouse loose and upset all his plans and he got angry. My mother told me the story of Grandfather Paradox one night - this boy who travelled back in time to kill his grandfather and since then had killed any Gallifreyans who break the Laws of Time. I didn't sleep that night I was so scared. I used to get dreams and nightmares - I thought everyone else did too."

"But they didn't," Rose said. "Just you?"

"Yeah," he mused. “I used to visit the Hermit who lived up the mountain,” he said, pointing up the snow covered surface to the wildness beyond. “He used to tell me tales and teach me how to protect my mind. Then I got kicked in the head by a Baanjxx that was high on cerub nuts.”

“Well that explains a lot,” Rose mused, laughing. 

He turned to her. “Thank you,” he suddenly said sincerely.

Rose nodded. “Hey, we’re gettin’ you back. Bit by bit. By the way, there was this guy, he saved my life then he left before you came. He didn't tell me who he was. Do you know? And the entire house just threw itself off of the cliff. What's that about?"

"What?"

Rose sighed. Usually he had all the answers. Not anymore. She was  _ truly  _ on her own. "Never mind. What's next on the list, then?"

"My fear."

Rose thought. She’d never thought of him as particularly fearful. She frowned, struggling to think.

“I don’t know,” she muttered, looking at him.

“You have to.”

“I know but I don’t know when you were the most scared in your life … But, I guess that you get the most scared when you’re a kid. What about that Grandfather Paradox thing?”

He just tilted his head at her, saying nothing.

No. Hold on. 

Their long conversations in the botanical gardens ...

* * *

_ “So you looked into this Untempered Schism thing and just ran away?” Rose asked, the both of them lying back on the grass staring up at the artificial stars above. _

_ He smiled, kicking into the grass with the heels of his shoes. “Yep. Never stopped since.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Why not? It hurt, Rose. The whole of time and space. I’ve never been so scared. It was overwhelming, painful and terrifying. I was just a kid. I couldn’t cope with it.” _

* * *

“Okay,” Rose breathed, looking at him. “Think I’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Take me back to when you looked into the Untempered Schism.”


	4. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose visits the Doctor's childhood memory of the untempered schism, witnessing the Doctor when he felt most afraid.

It was night. One boy stood alone in black and white robes, staring across a grass landscape. Rose recognised his face. It was the little Doctor, and … was he shaking? 

She followed the boy’s gaze across the landscape, to a strange round blue disc and two men dressed in red robes with strange headpieces that made them look like peacocks. She couldn't help but giggle. They _did_ look a bit stupid.

The little Doctor suddenly turned around, startled by her laugh, looking straight at her.

"Sorry," Rose said quickly, holding up her hands apologetically.

He barely acknowledged that. He was too scared to even think about her, clearly. She decided to go forward, dropping to his height.

"Are you okay?" she asked gently.

The little Doctor nodded. It was clearly a lie.

"It's okay to be scared," she told him. "As someone wise once told me, courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, it’s being afraid and doin’ what you have to do anyway.”

He looked back up at her. "I like that."

Rose grinned. "Yeah, thought you would. You can admit you're scared, it's a show of strength."

"... I'm really scared,” he admitted.

"I know."

"This thing ... Glospin said looking into it would send me mad because I had a weak mind. I don't want to go mad."

"Glospin?" Rose scoffed, recalling the boy that had attacked the little Doctor in the last memory. "You're not listenin’ to _him_ are you?"

The little Doctor looked at the ground.

"It's gonna be okay," she assured him. "And your mind is really strong. You’ve got no idea the stuff I went through to get in here."

"What?"

"Oh ... Never mind."

He raised his head again. "Can you come with me?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"Are you scared too?"

"Wettin’ myself," she assured him. "But that’s not the reason. I would if I could."

He nodded slowly. "Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, it’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway,” he repeated in a mantra.

"Exactly," she told him. 

“Advance, child of Lungbarrow!” a deep, important voice called from across the field.

The little Doctor reached out to her. She obligingly took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"Go for it," she told him.

He nodded one final time, and set off towards the weird blue thing.

She got the feeling she wasn't supposed to watch this bit, but as the boy advanced toward the two men she felt like she had to. Just to be with him in spirit, if nothing else. She moved to a closer position, so she could see his face when he gazed into the raw power of time and space for the first time in his long life.

He reached the blue thing. One of the men guided him to stand in front of it, the other one exchanging important nods with the other. The little Doctor looked straight into the blue disc, his eyes wide, his expression filled with a strange combination of awe and terror. 

For a moment, there was silence.

Then suddenly the little Doctor yelped, turned, and ran as if for his life. He darted away from the two men faster than a streak of lightning, to the right, across the landscape with his robes billowing about his feet.

The men didn't seem to care. They conferred for a moment, before turning to leave.

Rose had to follow the little Doctor. She pursued him across the fields, skipping stones and odd plants until she found him hiding behind a rock, shaking badly and burying his head into his robe. She scrambled in her pockets and found a handkerchief, giving it to him.

"I'm n-not c-crying," he told her between sobs, pressing the hanky to his eyes.

"I know," she replied softly.

"I couldn't, I c-couldn't," he sobbed. "It hurt ... too much."

"It's okay," Rose assured him. "You did really well."

"I failed like … like Glospin s-said I would," he choked out.

"That wasn't failin’, you've not gone mad have ya?" she pointed out.

"I ran c-cos ... I'm a c-coward."

"You're not a coward, I promise. You're the bravest person I know. I'm not even makin’ that up to make you feel better, cos it's true."

He looked up at her, sniffing away the last of his tears, handing back her hanky. "Thank you."

"That's okay," Rose assured him. "When you go back, be proud. You stood there for a whole five seconds before you ran off."

He laughed. It was the first time she'd seen that since she started trawling through his memories.

She hugged him. "Running is good. Never stop running, okay?"

"Okay," he said before pulling away from her, getting up. “I have to go.”

Rose nodded, getting up too. “Okay.”

And with that he ran across the field, disappearing into nothing.

Rose watched him go before sighing, her heart heavy. Yes, he was still only a child here, but when she looked in his eyes she could see her own grown-up Doctor. It had been every bit as painful watching the boy cry as it was watching her husband cry.

* * *

_Rose had been extremely angry at the Doctor for roughly seven minutes, slamming the door in his face and storming off through the TARDIS to eventually end up in the botanical gardens, where she kicked a strange alien plant that abruptly turned red and tried to swallow her foot. The bench had also turned out to be a cleverly ­disguised carnivorous plant when she'd tried to sit on it. After that she just laid down in the middle of the grass several metres from any strange plant and gave herself the time to calm down, and think rationally about their argument._

_They’d been fighting about him, how he never opened up to her, how he didn’t talk about himself. How they had a one-year-old child together yet she still didn’t know why he woke up sometimes in the middle of the night, shaking. His occasional night terrors and the way he sometimes cried when he thought she couldn’t hear him. If he just talked to her, told her, shared his thoughts with her he’d feel better, wouldn’t he?_

_Probably not._

_It was at the end of these seven minutes she realised it had been an utterly unreasonable argument on her part and she should probably go and apologise to him for being such a cow._

_“Rose …”_

_She looked up to find the Doctor standing there, looking like a lost little boy. She got up and immediately went to him._

_“Look, I'm sorry. I get if you don't want to talk about it, so ...”_

_“Do you want to know?” he interrupted smoothly._

_That made her freeze. She gazed at him for a moment, standing there, usually the strongest and bravest man in the known universe now looking at her with eyes that seemed to be begging her not to run away from him._

_“You don’t have to,” she told him firmly. “I know what I said, I was just bein’ a cow, you don’t have to tell me anythin’, yeah?”_

_He paused, just staring at the floor. “But … Do you want me to tell you?”_

_She continued to gaze at him. She had to concede. “Well, yeah, course I do. If I can help you …”_

_He paused, swallowing deeply as his eyes disconnected from hers. He dropped to sit down on the grass and she followed suit as he curled into the foetal position and stared out across the botanical garden. “I ...” He stopped, closing his eyes._

_She took his hand, squeezing it gently. “It's okay. I told you, you don’t-”_

_“Please don't leave me,” he suddenly interrupted, his voice barely above a whisper._

_“Where am I gonna go?” she joked, before turning serious. “I know whatever you did was bad; I'm ready for that.”_

_“I don't want you to ... Think any differently of me,” he seemed to beg, his eyes watering._

_Rose stared at him. She'd seldom seen him so distraught. “God. I won’t, I promise.”_

_“You can't guarantee that,” he croaked._

_She took his hands, squeezing them. “Doctor, I love you. Whatever you did in your past is your past. You're not like that now. I forgive you for whatever you're about to tell me. And a promise is a promise.”_

_The Doctor swallowed again, closing his eyes. “Okay,” he muttered. “Where do I start?”_

_“What did you dream about the other night?” she asked softly. “When you woke up screamin’?”_

_“... Talia.”_

_“Talia?”_

_“My ... My first victim.”_

_“Tell me.”_

_“... At ... At the start of the Last Great Time War, I saw a Dalek kill a child. Until then I didn't want to have anything to do with the war, but that made me sign up. I was made a commander. I had my own fleet. I hadn't killed anyone personally until Fredoon. Fredoon was the first planet to ally with the Daleks. The people of Fredoon were engineers, the best in the universe, the Daleks had invaded them and threatened them. It was our fault, we hadn't given them protection. The Daleks forced them to fashion weapons, and changed them to turn on us as the enemy. My fleet was ordered to detonate the planet. I didn't want to, but I was under threat of execution if I didn't. So I decided to play along with it until I could find an alternative._

_“I took a platoon and went to the surface, and we placed detonation devices in the ground. But halfway through my platoon was attacked and ... They killed my friend, Drax. I'd known him since the Academy. He was my friend. I was so angry, I lost my temper. I got back to the ship and ordered detonation. I killed five billion in one word, and I didn't even regret it. That planet burnt right in front of my eyes. But one had sneaked on board without us knowing, and we found her in the waste disposal hiding with a baby. She was badly injured beyond the point of saving, and she was grabbing me, begging me to save her baby's life because ... because I was the Doctor. She kept saying how she'd heard of me, how she knew I had good in my hearts and her baby would be safe with me. I told her I would just to shut her up. I hated everything about her. I hated her voice, her looks, everything. She died seconds later._

_“I took the baby. She was so small ... just like Leah was when she was born, tiny hands wrapping around my finger, little tiny toes and fingers and head and ... She was just so little, and I ... I ... I killed her. I killed the baby, Rose. She was so young that she still had hospital tags on. Her name was written on her wristband ... Talia. She was just a baby and I ... I killed her. I didn't even bury her. Never crossed my mind. Just flushed her out in waste disposal with her mother._

_“She wasn't even the only one. It spurred me on. I got worse, and worse. I became the Destroyer of Worlds, Rose. World after world, I wiped them out, the old, the young, the unborn. I killed women and children without a second thought. Then I started to like it. I started making games of it. I started manipulating people to kill their friends, to kill themselves. By the time I realised what was happening to me I'd already killed so many planets of species, people I'd visited; people I'd befriended. I created the Moment expecting to die. But I didn’t.”_

_Rose stayed silent, just staring at him. There was nothing she could say. She couldn't give him an, “it'll be okay” because it wasn't, and it never would be. He was damaged beyond belief. This would never get fixed, and it broke her heart knowing there was absolutely no way she could help him. All she could offer was love and a kind ear._

_“It’s right I should suffer,” he continued, unprompted. “I see them all the time, especially when I close my eyes. All the people I killed. I dream about Talia a lot. An older version of her. A beautiful young woman she never became. and she just cries. Because I murdered her. I don't deserve happiness. I took theirs away. I spend all of my life now trying to make up for what I did in the war, but I’ll never make it up. Nothing can bring them back. And I'm nothing but a murderer. I'm … I'm nothing but a Dalek.”_

_“No,” Rose interrupted. “You're not a Dalek.”_

_“But I am.”_

_“You're nothing like a Dalek. Maybe for a bit you were, but not now. You're sweet and kind and Earth would be dead a thousand times over if you weren't here. I forgive you.”_

_“You can't forgive me.”_

_“I just did,” she said firmly._

_“You can't.”_

_“Okay, I love you, then. Can I do that?” she asked softly._

_He didn’t answer that. He just cried._

* * *

She quickly wiped her own eyes free of tears, defying the urge to join him in her memory. That had been the first time they’d had one of their talks in the Botanical Gardens. Since then they’d met there, purely by chance, just to talk and share memories. Not a word of them was spoken outside of the gardens. Not to anyone. But piece by piece, he told her about himself, and she told him about herself. About Jimmy. About everything.

It was time to go. She made to leave, but then suddenly froze.

_She didn't have an object._

Panicking she looked to the Untempered Schism, ran to it and checked around it for something she could take, but there was nothing but grass. Grass wouldn't work ...

"Oh god," she whined out loud, closing her eyes briefly as she thought _desperately_ of what to do next. She couldn't go back without an object. Without an object the Doctor couldn't be completed. She couldn't get him back. He'd stay sleeping forever.

Then she realised she was still holding her hanky. The little Doctor had cried into it. She could feel it was still wet with his tears.

God, she hoped it would work.

"Doctor!" she called when she reached him, holding up her hanky. "Got the third bit!"

He nodded, holding out a chained arm to her to receive the hanky as she reached him. She put it in his palm, and to her great relief, it bubbled and boiled and seeped into his hand, just like the other objects.

"I was so scared," the Doctor whispered after a moment.

"It's okay," she assured him. "Didn't send you mad, did it? You're fine."

"Didn't it?" he almost whispered, his eyes locking on hers through the slits in his hood.

"Well, maybe a bit," Rose conceded. "But fun mad, not scary mad. But that's why everyone likes you," she told him. "Fun madman."

He looked at her, seemingly not very impressed. "Right," he murmured.

Rose laughed at his expense. "It's fine, honest! What's next?"

"My loyalty."

She thought. A million memories to choose from, surely, but which would be the most significant to him?

Then she recalled. Something the Doctor’s mother had told her.

* * *

_“Rose,” Penelope began gently. “I know this is a very big ask, but I would request that you do not make assumptions of that calibre. Ulysses and I may have very different ideas on raising our children, but I know my husband. He would never even consider laying a finger on Theta. Yes, he has always been very strict with them but he is not a bad man, please trust me.”_

_“What about after the prank?” Rose wondered._

_Penelope's eyes instantly welled up on the mere mention of the incident. “In Gallifreyan society it was commonplace to discipline the loomlings and juniors in manners your society considers abusive, but Ulysses and I were very adamant we would not raise Irving and Theta that way. In that case, the Chancellory Guard and High Council took precedence over the matter. It was completely out of our control.”_

_“But you know he didn't do it, yeah?”_

_Penelope nodded. “I knew, but Theta would never tell us what really happened, and I could not exactly seek a reprieve from the High Council with just my feelings as his mother. Has he said to you what happened?”_

_“He was protectin' his friend by taking the blame instead of him,” Rose told her._

_“Koschei?” Penelope wondered. Rose nodded. “I am not surprised. Theta's loyalty has always been his greatest strength ... and his greatest weakness. Use it well, Rose.”_

* * *

"Okay," she said, looking back at him. "I'm sorry, but this one's not gonna be good."

"What?"

"Take me back to when you and the Master murdered your teacher."


	5. Loyalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose enters the memory the Doctor has of accidentally killing his teacher, witnessing the sheer horror of what happened to him at the hands of the gallifreyan judicial system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to note that it's important for me to be accurate in my Doctor Who history. Some of these "memories" are in the show, some are in a book somewhere, and some I have made up over the course of this series. Any memory I've made up, like this one, it's important to me that it could have actually taken place in Doctor Who canon so anything I write IS based in some sort of foundation somewhere and hopefully can't be completely disproved! :D
> 
> This chapter comes from an idea I detailed in the third story of this series, "The Debt", chapter 21, but you don't need to read it! :D

Rose stood on the alien version of a street in the middle of a beautifully sunny day, next to a large, complicated-looking building. Opposite to the building was a bunch of bushes, in which she could currently hear the voices of two boys, whispering frantically to each other as the leaves rustled with their movements.

“C’mon!” one said.

“Slow down!” the other boy urged.

“He’ll wake up soon!” the first boy insisted. There was a loud scuffle, and the second boy yelped.

“Ow!”

“Shush!”

“Sorry!”

Finally the rustling stopped as the two boys finally got into position. Rose kept her hiding place, just gazing at the bush, her heart in her mouth. She really didn’t want to watch this bit, knowing what happened next.

“Okay, here it is,” the first boy asked, and there was a bit of fumbling.

“Oh wow, that looks so real!” the second boy exclaimed.

The first boy laughed. “Okay, so here’s my plan,” the first boy began. “I throw the rock, he comes out, and then I’ll chuck the fake taipan, okay?”

“Okay!”

“Let’s go!”

A black-haired boy - that had to be the Master - darted out of the bushes holding what looked like a giant snake, followed by who could only be the Doctor. He was older, looking almost her age with thin brown hair and large, heavy-looking robes. He looked around, checking for any witnesses. Rose shrank back even more. She desperately didn’t want him to see her.

She watched, biting her nails as Koschei picked up a small stone from the ground, nodded to Theta and then hurled it up to the balcony window. It hit its target perfectly and created a loud _thwack_ , chipping at the surface. 

The balcony door opened and an important-looking man stepped out, looking around. Koschei and Theta kept hidden, until Koschei stepped forward and hurled the snake over the balcony railings and straight into the important man’s face.

The important man screamed a very high-pitched scream and flailed, desperately trying to throw the fake taipan off. Theta was laughing, but Koschei was laughing even harder, his face red with tears streaming down his face.

The important man obviously didn’t hear them, far too mortified to recognise anything apart from the apparent taipan now wrapped around him. He was still screaming, fighting with it, crying out for help until he suddenly stopped, his face dropping. His hands flew to his chest as he screamed out in a fully-fledged hearts attack, hit the balcony railing and consequently dropped over it, smacking into the ground ten feet below with a crack.

Koschei and Theta’s laughing abruptly stopped as they both stared at the man, lying on the ground still with the fake taipan covering him, not moving.

“Graxx!” Koschei swore.

For a moment, neither of them moved, clearly paralysed with horror and fear. Then Theta stepped forward to the man, kneeling down to check him.

“He’s dead, Koschei …” Theta whispered, looking up at his friend in horror.

The tell-tale signs of regeneration were already tingling on the man’s skin. Theta jumped up immediately, backing away as suddenly there were the sounds of footsteps heading towards them.

“Split up!” Koschei hissed at Theta, and ran off back through the bushes. For a moment Theta couldn’t, just stood there utterly paralysed, his eyes wide and terrified ...

Then he was off, running across the street and into the next alley. 

“Come back here, I saw you you little staazula!” a man cried just as Theta rounded the corner. Rose had to follow him, sprinting after the boy just as he reached a high fence.

Theta stopped, looked desperately over his shoulder where people were heading towards him, took a few steps back and leaped to grab the top of the fence. He caught it, hauling himself up with a little difficulty.

“Halt!” a man cried, and Rose looked back to see several men and women in pursuit, and a handful of people in red and gold outfits with helmets. Policeman? Rose didn’t know, but they _were_ holding guns.

Theta got to the top of the fence, about to leap over when suddenly one of the guards fired a shot. It caught him in the leg. Theta shrieked with pain, immediately falling back off the fence and smacking so hard into the ground he was immediately stunned.

The apparent policemen reached him, grabbing him roughly. “Got him!” he called out.

“No, no, lemme go!” Theta cried out, struggling desperately but unable to get far through the shot he’d taken to his leg.

They ignored him. He was restrained with futuristic handcuffs and dragged uncaringly along the ground to a strange glowing blue pole. The boy tried to get up again but they slammed him into the ground. The Gallifreyan policeman activated the blue device, and Theta disappeared with them. 

The scene immediately froze, marking the end of the Doctor’s memory.

Rose swallowed, looking around her. Object. Object. Then she remembered the taipan.

She ran back to the important man’s house, which was also frozen in time. There was the teacher they’d killed, his skin still glowing. She moved forward and peeled off the taipan - it was covered in some sort of glue - until she finally left, her heart heavy.

* * *

She found the Doctor just outside the memory.

“God, that was horrible,” she told him, and held up the giant fake taipan.

He nodded sombrely, and took the taipan.

A few moments, and nothing happened.

“This isn’t the right object,” the Doctor told her.

Rose winced. “Didn’t think so,” she confessed. “Oh god. That means…”

“What?”

“I’ve gotta go into the next memory you have of what happened,” she muttered, and thought a bit more about that. “The interrogation when you lied to protect the Master. It must be there.”

* * *

It was a small, white room. Rose stood behind a screen, looking into the room through what she assumed to be the alien equivalent of a two-way mirror. The little Doctor was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, dressed in a plain grey shirt and shorts with his leg heavily bandaged and one of his eyes bloodshot. His hands were cuffed together again.

Rose recognised his mother and father, standing besides him as they faced a man wearing one of those strange collars like in the Untempered Schism memory.

“So you admit to causing Cardinal Sendok to regenerate?” the man in the collar asked.

“Please, he’s just a boy,” the Doctor’s mother stressed. “He didn’t know what he was doing.”

“Nevertheless, a man has lost a regeneration and we must pursue the truth,” the man stressed. “Boy, explain precisely what happened.”

“I threw a fake taipan at him,” Theta told the man, his voice almost in a whisper. “He had a hearts attack, fell off the balcony and regenerated.”

“You threw the taipan?” the man asked, piercing the student with a horrible gaze. “You had no accomplice?”

“... No,” Theta croaked. “I did it. It was my idea. It was me.”

“Do not be so stupid!” the Doctor’s father snapped, his hand tightening on Theta’s shoulder. “This is incredibly serious; tell them the truth, boy!”

Theta’s eyes were welling up. “I did it,” he repeated, his voice breaking. “It was me.”

“We have a full confession,” the man said, turning to his guards behind him.

“What will happen?” the Doctor’s mother asked nervously.

“He will be trialled and prosecuted in accordance with our laws,” the man informed her.

The Doctor’s mother’s eyes widened. “No … The penalty for this is forced regeneration. You cannot force him to regenerate, he is too young, he cannot regenerate safely yet!”

“The Watch will decide his fate,” the man said thinly, and left. The guards moved to Theta, dragging him to his feet and away from his parents.

“Theta!” his mother called, but that was all Rose heard as the young Doctor was dragged out of the door, his memory freezing.

There was no object in this. How could there be? She had to go to the trial.

* * *

After a while, Rose began to work out who was who in the gallifreyan court. The Inquisitor was the man who called the witnesses, and a man called the Valeyard was the prosecutor in Gallifreyan courts. There was no jury, just witnesses called by the Inquisitor.

By the time she worked out who was who, it was nearly over. It didn’t take very long.

“You are found guilty, child of Lungbarrow,” one of the Watch members said across from where Rose was standing. There were no gasps. Everyone expected it.

“Please have mercy,” the Doctor’s mother muttered from near Rose, her hands to her face as she trembled, terrified of her son’s fate.

“Sentencing I admit to finding difficult,” the man continued, gazing at the child. So young. “This is most disturbing. I have never seen such an abomination in all my lives. A boy not yet at First Maturation causing the death of a Cardinal? This act is unspeakable. Crime is not common in our society and for a tot to be found guilty of manslaughter? This is truly a dark day for Gallifrey. This is highly unbecoming of a potential President.”

“Say something, Theta, say something!” the Doctor’s father urged.

Theta looked at him, but quickly looked away again, saying nothing.

“Usually for murder, a regeneration would be confiscated,” the man continued. “But as the boy is immature and unable to control his body this would be a permanent death.”

“Please, please, please,” the Doctor’s mother whispered, still shaking.

“Therefore I sentence the boy to two months of high discipline.”

Rose blanched. She knew what that meant - she’d seen what happened next. She looked to the Doctor’s mother, who was now in tears. His father was standing up, holding his hand up high in the air.

“Torture must be approved by the High Council if it is to be used on a boy not of First Maturity!” he said boldly.

“They will be informed,” the man replied, but Rose already knew that was a lie. From what she already knew, the method was _never_ approved by the High Council. They were going to torture him.

She distinctly heard the Doctor’s father’s voice from near her as the young Doctor was taken away.

“I knew that boy would come to nothing but trouble.”

With a sinking feeling Rose realised, she could only hear that because the Doctor remembered him saying it.

* * *

This was the bit she’d seen before. He was in a dark room, bound by his hands which were raised to the ceiling. He looked so helpless. She couldn’t bear to even look, but she had to.

Just as before, the far door opened and bright, blinding light burst in. Four men, much taller than Theta, flooded into the room, all wearing long flowing robes.

One stepped forward. "Theta," he grated.

"Father?" Theta almost squeaked in terror.

"Your Mother and I are extremely disappointed in you. If it were up to me, I would disown you. But your Mother insists you have simply been misguided. She has been crying since Otherstide."

"I'm sorry, Father..."

"What good are apologies now, Theta?" the man demanded to know. "You have brought this on yourself, boy. I cannot stop the actions of the authorities. Is there nothing you will tell us to prevent what is about to happen?"

Rose had been here before. She’d been inside his head when he had first shown her this memory, back at the Shadow Proclamation so many years ago now. She knew. He wanted to protect Koschei; protect his best friend.

"... Nothing, Father," Theta finally said quietly.

The man looked at him with complete and utter disappointment. "Then I hope, for your sake, you will come out of this with a changed attitude." He turned to the others in the room, suddenly completely losing interest in his son. "I leave him in your care. Do as you please for as long as you please."

He strode out of the door, disappearing with a flourish of his cloak. Theta tensed as the remaining men in the room began to move towards him …

“No,” Rose choked out, covering her ears and snapping shut her eyes. There was no object here. She _definitely_ didn’t need to be here for this.

She turned and ran from the memory.

* * *

“I can’t find the object,” Rose confessed to the Doctor as she reached him, having managed to somehow put that image out of her mind. “Maybe it’s not here.”

The Doctor just stared at her. He didn’t reply. He couldn’t help.

“Once more,” she decided. “You must’ve gone to hospital after. The punishment was two months long but you didn’t go back to the Academy for four. Take me there.”

* * *

She had been right. He was in a very high-tech alien hospital in a private room. He was awake, staring at the ceiling seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

She stepped up to him. He looked at her, and then immediately looked away.

“Hey,” Rose said gently, smiling as relief flooded through her. He didn’t look too bad. There didn’t seem to be a mark on him.

“Hey,” he said, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. 

“How are you doin’?” she asked, taking the seat next to his bed.

“Mmmkay,” he muttered. He seemed a bit dopey, not the sharp, quick boy she’d seen before. He took another deep breath.

“You look good,” she told him. “I thought you’d be worse.”

Theta opened his eyes again to look at her. “... I can’t feel my legs.”

Rose frowned, looking down. His body was covered with the sheet. “Can I ...?” she ventured, gesturing lifting up the blanket.

“Yeah,” he croaked, and breathed deeply once more.

She lifted the sheet up, and nearly screamed. She managed to stifle it, snapping a hand to her mouth instead to prevent the ejection of high-pitched air.

His face was the only thing not marked.

She dropped the blanket quickly, feeling her skin drop to a sub-zero temperature and the bile crawl up her throat. “Oh,” was all she managed.

“I can’t feel my legs,” he said again, taking in another deep breath of air as tears glistened at the corners of his eyes. “I don’t know if I’ll walk again. They won’t say. They keep whispering. They won’t tell me anything. I can’t regenerate yet. I won’t be able to walk until I regenerate.”

Rose swallowed. He walked again, she knew he did. But could she tell him that? Could she say? She had no idea as to how much she could meddle in his memories; no idea as to what the repercussions would be.

But … she’d already thoroughly messed with other parts of his memories. Surely she could tell him?

“You’ll be fine, you’ll walk again,” she said without really making a decision to say it. “I promise.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Are you from my future?”

The question stunned Rose slightly, so completely out of the blue. For a moment she just sat there, trying to work out what to say, before Theta spoke again and interrupted her thoughts, “you’ve been there, in my past, you come from nowhere, and you know what’s going to happen. Are you in my future?”

She decided that honesty was the best policy. “My name’s Rose,” she told him. “I’m in your head. I’ve been going through your memories so I can save the future you.”

“I haven’t got a future.”

“Yeah, you do,” she told him. “To be honest, no one’s given me a guidebook to what to do when you’re inside someone else’s memories so tellin’ you who I am probably isn’t smart.”

Theta laughed a little. “I won’t say anything,” he assured her.

“You’ll probably yell at me when I get out, yeah?” Rose told him. “Get annoyed for messin’ up your memories.”

He laughed again, but ended up coughing and he had to take another deep breath. 

“Why didn’t you tell them it was Koschei?” Rose wondered.

“He’s my friend,” Theta replied. “He’s already been in trouble. I don’t want him to be expelled from the Academy.”

“That was so loyal of you.”

“Not loyal,” the teen told her straight. “I did it because I’m selfish.”

“How can that be selfish? You were tortured for it. That’s just … that’s not even a _bit_ selfish,” she stressed.

“I did it cos I was sick of being alone and I didn’t want him to leave,” Theta told her. “Koschei won’t care. He probably won’t even notice I’m gone.”

Rose’s brow furrowed. “But … that sounds like you don’t care about him.”

“I care,” Theta assured her. “But he’s my friend, and I wanted to keep him more than I wanted to save him. I don’t want to be alone again. I did it for me.”

“So that whole thing … wasn’t about loyalty?”

“No.”

“Oh god,” Rose muttered, wide-eyed. That was why there was no object to find. Everyone was wrong, including the Doctor’s mother, including herself, _including_ the Master. This act hadn’t been out of loyalty.

“Do you hate me now?” he wondered.

“No,” Rose answered quickly. “I know how lonely you were in your house with your cousins. Don’t ya remember me bein’ there?”

He nodded vaguely, and breathed deeply again. “When they attacked me in the corridor.”

“That was one of loads of times they did that, yeah?”

He nodded and coughed again. “I don’t want to be on my own again.”

“You’re not,” Rose told him firmly. “Where I come from, you’re surrounded by people that love you.”

He grinned. “I like it when you come, Rose,” he said, and reached over the other side of the bed to the table. He picked up something and held it out to her.

It was a beautiful golden necklace, flecked with gems and polished to a shine that appeared to keep changing colour.

“What’s this?” she asked, taking it in bewilderment.

“It’s my mother’s, she gave it to me,” he told her. “When you go into my next memory, wear it, so I know it’s you and not a trick.”

She nodded, and put it over her head. It hung so perfectly around her neck.

“Now I can tell you everything,” he said. “And you can tell me everything. Friends?”

She smiled. “Yeah,” she confirmed.

“I’m tired,” he admitted.

“Go to sleep, then,” Rose answered, getting up. “I’ll see you soon.”

He nodded, smiling. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

“I couldn’t find anything,” Rose said, sighing as she reached the Doctor. “Cos that memory wasn’t about loyalty. I’ll have to think of another. Sorry.”

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at the necklace.

“You gave it to me … sorry, I think I’m really kinda screwin’ up your head here,” she remarked somewhat sheepishly. “I think me and young you are now friends …”

“Give it here?” he asked. She nodded, taking it off to place in his palm. Then to her consternation, the object began to melt into his hand.

“No, I need that!” she cried, but before she could snatch it back it was already gone. “Why’d it do that?”

“I gave it to you,” he muttered, wide-eyed. “To show we were friends and we’d never lie to each other.”

Rose gaped, getting it. “You mean … _that_ was the loyalty object?”

He nodded. “I wasn’t loyal to Koschei in that memory, you made it so I was loyal to you.”

“Not gonna be loyal to me when you realise I lost it,” Rose muttered, then straightened up again. “I’m really screwin’ up your head. So, loyalty done, yeah? Where now?”

“Curiosity.”

“Oh, thank god, that’s easy.”

“Is it?”

Rose looked at him, smiling. “That’s when you stole your Tardis.”


	6. Curiosity

“Is it getting better?” Rose wondered as she and the Doctor walked towards his next memory together, which was located in a large imposing building in the centre of the giant snowglobe-like structure - the Panopticon.

“What d’you mean?” he wondered.

“Every time you absorb an object does it get better?”

He nodded. “I can remember more and more about who I am.”

“Maybe you can start helpin’ me soon,” she pondered, looking at him. He was still shielded by his hood. “... Why won’t you let me see your face?”

“It’s not your face.”

“I don’t care,” she told him honestly. “I swore just before you regenerated I didn’t care about your face. I just want you.”

“No,” he answered shortly.

She sighed. “Okay. So once we get all the pieces what happens?”

“I have to force him back into the recesses of my head.”

“Explain that?”

“Imagine a room in my head where my next body waits for me to regenerate - we have to get him back in that room. Right now my Tenth mind is trapped there instead.”

“Oh, okay. Then you’ll wake up and everythin’ will be fine?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well we’re pretty much halfway there. Not long.”

He suddenly stopped just inside the large building, and she realised that they’d arrived at his memory. 

“Go into that lift,” he said, pointing across the huge room. “Hit the fifth button from the bottom.”

* * *

She was in the lift waiting for it to descend when he arrived, rushing in next to her not even looking up. He looked quite old, but not yet grey. She’d clearly taken quite a leap between his memories this time.

“Hi,” she said as he hit the button.

The Doctor looked surprised. “My dear child,” he realised. “I have not seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, sorry,” she said as the lift began to go down.

“What do you wish of me this time?” he asked.

“What makes you think I want somethin’?” she joked, grinned.

“You forever want something, my dear.”

“True,” Rose conceded. “All right, you’re stealin’ a Tardis, aren’t ya?”

His eyes widened, his head darting back and forth seemingly looking for anyone else. “Yes, a little quieter, if you please?”

“Sorry,” she said, lowering her voice. “By the way, I never asked. Why are you leavin’ Gallifrey?”

“Bureaucracy. I have to go. This place,” he gestured around, implying more distance than the lift allowed, “is full of corruption and impotence. I have been disowned by my House and the air is filled with fervor. There is nothing for me here.”

“Fervor?”

“The revolution,” he said. “I am tired of it.”

“There’s a revolution?”

He nodded. 

Rose thought about that for a moment. “You should be leadin’ it,” she realised.

“Nonsense! I am not a leader,” he told her.

She giggled at that; she couldn’t help it.

“What?” he asked, incredulous.

“Sorry,” she said, quickly cleaning up her smile. “In a few years you’ll laugh at what you just said.”

He looked at her, serious. “Why?”

Rose opened her mouth to reply, but then thought better of it. “Um, don’t think I should say.”

“Hm?”

“It might impact your future or somethin’...? Figure I’ve already told you way too much.”

“You said you were in my memories, did you not?”

“Yeah …”

“Altering memories do not impact a personal future, the personal timeline has already been written, my dear. It would merely distort my perception of what really happened, and I will misremember actual events so that they include you, and you have done enough of that already, have you not?”

To her surprise, Rose understood that. She was clearly getting far too used to him. “I guess,” she supposed. “In the future you’re the one everyone turns to.”

“Hm?”

“Yeah. You’re a leader, you help everyone. You’re so clever and brave and carin’, everyone loves you. You always figure out what to do. You save so many people even if it costs you. You’re amazin’.”

“That does not sound like me,” the Doctor murmured.

“Well it is,” she told him. “You’ve done a lot of growin’ up.”

He harrumphed. “I have done all of the growing up I need to. I am far older than you. You are a human. And who are you?”

“What?”

“You have never told me who you are and why you are doing this.”

She sighed, running a hand down her face. His blue eyes were so piercing and interrogative. “... Where I’m from, you’ve just regenerated. You’re sick and all broken up into loads of pieces. I had to come inside your head to put you back together. And I’m doin’ it cos I love you.”

“And who are you to me?”

“I’m your wife.”

“I am  _ married  _ to a human?”

He sounded so shocked that for a moment Rose was completely stunned too. “Umm … yeah. We have kids.”

“You loomed children?”

“No.”

“They are naturally born?”

“Yeah,” she said as the lift began to slow.

“Nonsense!”

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging nonchalantly. She was beginning to feel quite insulted by him, but she quickly reminded herself that this Doctor was very young, not yet grown-up into the man she loved.

“This does not sound like me,” he stated bluntly.

“Sorry, mate, it’s happened,” she said as the lift doors parted. She caught a glance on the display. They were on Under-Level 15.

“I do not accept this,” the Doctor told her bluntly as they stepped out.

“It’s true.”

“If it is true, where is the necklace?” he suddenly asked, rounding on her.

She stopped, swallowing nervously. She was hoping he’d forgotten about that. “I’m sorry, I lost it. I had to use it to help you. You just absorbed it before I could save it.”

“Then I shall not trust anything you say,” he snapped, and stormed off down the corridor.

She considered getting angry. But no. She had to stop thinking of him as the same man. He was still a kid here, no matter how many years he had on him or how old he looked he was only at the beginning.

He walked down the line, ignoring the first seven ships and instead stopping at the 8th, glancing around before he reached forward to the lock and pulled out the key. He gazed at it for a moment, before turning back to her. “So, if you are going through my memories, you must have had help. You are a human, your telepathic ability is not capable of this. Since you claim I am indisposed, who is assisting you?”

“The Master, you know, Koschei…?” she said vaguely, hoping they were still friends at this point.

His eyes narrowed. Clearly not friends, then. “Then I bid you good bye,” he snapped, and opened the TARDIS door. 

Rose quickly slipped inside before he could shut it. “Wait!”

He fumed. “Leave, child!”

“No,” she said. “I need my object.”

“Forget your object,” he spat.

“No,” she said firmly. “I need to save …”

“Young lady, leave,” he interrupted tersely. “I do not know what the Master is planning this time but you are clearly in league with him. I order you to leave my head!”

“No!” she yelled back. “I’m savin’ you whether you like it or not! Gimme the Tardis key!”

She thrust out her hand, waiting to receive it.

“You think I would give you my key?” he spluttered, incredulous. “I will not give anything to you or the Master!”

“I’m not with the Master!”

“But he is helping you!”

“Because he wants you to survive!”

The Doctor snorted with laughter, mocking her. “Nonsense! The Master only wants me dead!”

“I’m from your future,  _ remember!?”  _ she yelled. He tried to speak again but she cut him off, absolutely riled. “It’s been hundreds of years since you were standin’ here, things  _ bloody  _ change, includin’ the Master, includin’  _ you!” _

He glared at her. “If this is who I like to waste my time with in the future then maybe I am not worth saving.”

“You don’t understand anythin’, you’re just a kid!”

“How  _ dare  _ you! I am three-hundred-and …”

“A  _ kid!”  _ she reinforced. “The man I travel with is way older and way more mature than you, just because you’re three hundred doesn’t make you right about _ everythin’! _ Now gimme the key!”

He fumed and threw it to the floor in front of her. “Take it!” he shouted, spinning around to go to the console. “And I hope to never see you again!”

Rose scooped up the key and gladly stormed out of the TARDIS.

* * *

She was still infuriated when she got back to her Doctor.

“Oh my god, you were such a … a … ugh!” she snapped, and threw the key at him. 

He caught it. It promptly melted in his hand. “What?”

She stopped, forcing herself to calm down. Wasn’t him. Not really. “Okay, never mind. Let’s get to …”

She was suddenly interrupted by a deep, carnal growl from somewhere over her shoulder. She instinctively made to turn, only just stopping herself in time.

“What is it?” she asked, staring at him with wide, terrified eyes.

“A werewolf,” he muttered, staring over her shoulder.

“What!?” Rose almost squeaked.

“A werewolf …”

There was a brief pause.

_ “Run!” _ Rose yelled, grabbing his arm and pulling him into a run. The Doctor was impeded by the chains around his feet but somehow he kept pace as they bolted across the field; not knowing, not  _ caring  _ where they were going as long as it was in the general direction of ‘away’. Rose could hear the guttural growls and thuds of paws pummeling into the ground in pursuit, seemingly just metres behind. She could have sworn she could feel its hot, sticky breath on the back of her neck …

Suddenly the grass beneath her began to turn green. She looked up, confused, and as the building ahead sharpened into focus she realised she recognised it.

"It's that house from Scotland!" she yelled. "Come on!"

She pulled him to run faster, but it was too fast for the Doctor’s bound legs. He tripped and fell out of her grip. She stopped immediately, dropping to grab him and haul him back up with all the strength she could muster but in the panic and rush he couldn’t find his feet. She ended up dragging him along the ground,  _ screaming  _ with the effort ...

By some miracle she reached the door and dragged him inside, slamming it closed behind them without even turning back. There was a huge  _ thud  _ against the door, throwing her back, but she was up again immediately to press her entire body weight against it, desperately pushing the bolts across.

The Doctor was on his feet. “Rose!? What do we do!?” he gasped out.

The door lurched violently again. It wouldn’t hold for long.

“Run!” she cried, took his arm and started running again. “We need to get upstairs,” she gasped, thinking desperately. “That’s where you are!”

“What?”

“Upstairs!” she yelled and started up the stairs. Below she could hear the wood being ripped through by those huge, sharp claws with the ease of a knife through paper. They’d just got to the top when she heard the door collapse and the sound of thundering paws up the steps.

“C’mon!” she prompted, but the Doctor wasn’t moving anymore.

“I can’t, this is a memory!” he gasped.

“I don’t care!” Rose yelled and tried to pull him again with almost enough force to dislocate his shoulder. He didn’t relent.

“I  _ can’t!”  _ he yelped, tearing his arm from her.

“Okay, okay, hold on,” Rose said quickly, her eyes flashing around the dark corridor, searching for inspiration as the wolf drew nearer and nearer. Then her eyes fixed onto a bright white door, seemingly glowing in the low light. “In here!” she cried, opening it and darting in, dragging him with her.

She closed the thick, heavy door just before the wolf thudded past them and up the corridor.

“C’mon!” the memory Doctor yelled from outside the door, and then there were gunshots from the Captain, Rose recalled.

“I'll take this position and hold it,” the Captain said, muffled through the wood. “You keep moving, for God's sake! Your Majesty, I went to look for the property and it was taken. The chest was empty.”

“I have it, it’s safe,” Queen Victoria gasped.

“Then remove yourself, Ma'am. Doctor, you stand as Her Majesty's Protector. And you, Sir Robert…” there was a brief, angry pause before, “you're a traitor to the crown.”

“Bullets can’t stop it!” the memory Doctor shouted.

“They’ll buy you time, now run!”

The group’s collected running footsteps darted away.

“We need to go!” Rose hissed, darting to the window to check from a way out, but it was a straight fall. 

The Captain began to scream, being viciously torn apart.

“What happens next?” the Doctor gasped.

“Oh god, you don’t remember it yet do you?” Rose realised, wide-eyed. “I know this memory, this is with me, the wolf’s about to run back this way to get to the roof …”

Rose’s head was spinning with fear and confusion. Why? Why was this memory here? The werewolf hadn’t run across the field, it hadn’t broken through the front door. It definitely hadn’t tried to attack them, as in the memory they weren’t here…

Something was doing this. Was this the entity the Master had spoken about?

_ “His psyche will have turned what's stopping the regeneration into something very dangerous, maybe a creature of some kind. It will be trying to stop you getting to his body - it may even try to kill you. If you died inside the Doctor’s head that will have absolutely disastrous consequences for him … and also for you.” _

Well, whatever was happening, one thing was clear. 

Don’t die.

”If we’re quiet,” Rose breathed, taking his arm again, more as a form of reassurance that a Doctor of some description was with her. She felt better somehow. Then they both stood there, frozen, just listening. After a few moments, the wolf started running back towards them. Rose closed her eyes and burrowed her head into his shoulder, whispering prayers to the many gods she didn’t believe in that it would run straight past.

It didn’t. It stopped, hovering outside the door, sniffing.

It knew they were there.

Nope, she quickly decided. There was no time left for hope. Rose threw herself against the door in desperation to somehow beat the wolf in braun. It started ramming the door as before, throwing her entire body away from the wood.

“Get the cupboard!” Rose yelled at the Doctor, shaking violently with each impact the wolf made against the old wooden door as she pushed desperately back against it. The Doctor moved to the nearby heavy-looking cupboard straight away and began to drag it across the wooden floorboards which groaned, creaked and squeaked in protest.

When it was safe to move Rose grabbed the other side of the cupboard and helped to pull it across the door, and then proceeded to stack every loose object in the room against it.

When they were done Rose drew back, taking his arm again as they backed away from the wildly lurching front door as the wolf howled, scratched and rammed it, desperate to get in. Their barrier wouldn’t keep it out for much longer.

“We can’t get out,” the Doctor realised quietly.

She could hardly agree with him, but she had to concede it was definitely not an stupid conclusion. 

“No, no, you wouldn’t abandon me like this,” she muttered, head in her hands. “You wouldn’t, you’d do somethin’ ...”

Hold on.

She didn’t remember a conveniently-placed room being here before. Though to be fair, when she’d originally had this adventure she’d been a bit too busy running from a werewolf to notice the scenery, but this was such a bright, noticeably white, thick and heavy door that it seemed impossible to miss and so  _ incredibly  _ out of place in such a dark memory. Such a bright, distinct door couldn’t be part of the original memory; almost like it had been intentionally put there just for her…

Maybe it had. Was it him? Purposely misremembering for her benefit? Just as the other memory Doctor had said? Misremembering actual events?

If it was, he wouldn’t just make a door. A door no matter how thick and heavy it was wasn’t going to repel much. So she quickly looked around the room, wide-eyed and desperate ...

“Misremember, misremember …” she muttered out loud in an effort to propel her thoughts along. “How? How would you do it?”

The memory  _ had  _ to play out like it originally had. They had to kill it with the moonlight reflected from the Koh-i-Noor, there was no other way it could have happened that would be a viable memory. So the werewolf couldn’t be killed, it had to be  _ put off _ somehow …

The answer hit her like a silver bullet between the eyes.

Mistletoe.

“Quick, look for mistletoe!” Rose shouted at the Doctor and quickly began to look through every available cupboard and crevice. The wood of the door was splitting apart now …

She opened a drawer and suddenly there it was, glistening like gold to her eyes. She grabbed it, threw a bunch at the Doctor and held it up in front of her just as the werewolf raked its way through ...

It suddenly stopped dead at sight and smell of the plant, its ears turning down like a sad puppy before backing away, whining. Then it was gone as quickly as it had burst in, padding off down the corridor - she knew - to get to the roof.

Silence.

“Oh my god,” Rose muttered, staring at the mistletoe in her hand before raising her gaze to look through the ceiling to the one god she  _ did  _ believe in. “Thank you, Doctor.”

She hoped he was watching her with pride.


	7. Intelligence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose meets the Fourth Doctor by accident in a memory with Sarah Jane and Sutekh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode used is the classic Pyramids of Mars :D

After evacuating the memory of Torchwood House as fast as possible, they kept moving in mutual silence until Torchwood Manor was just a speck in the distance. Then they went a little further just to be sure they were nowhere near the werewolf, until they reached a pyramid. After a quick safety check Rose nominated that they took a short break. 

Not that this Doctor was much of a conversationalist. He just stayed sitting there, staring vacantly across the landscape. His eyes were so empty - so utterly devoid of being the Doctor she knew and loved. Her Doctor had a constant sparkle in his eyes. So wide and full of wonder and want for adventure.

She missed that.

She missed his chats; the way they would talk for hours about the most stupid of things. She missed how, if she had the patience to ask, he could explain the plots of Inception and The Matrix in a way that she actually understood. She missed the way he laughed loudly - throwing back his head to project his delight to the world - or even just as a high-pitched giggle. She missed the way he tugged each ear depending on whether he was being awkward or telling a lie. The way he ran his fingers through his hair in situations of high-stress.

But most of all, she missed his smile.

“... Why won’t you show me your face?” Rose asked suddenly and quietly.

He looked up at her. “What?”

“Please take off the hood.”

“It’s not how you remember me.”

“I don’t care,” she stated honestly. “I mean, how do I know you’re not the guy tryin’ to kill my Doctor?”

That made him stiffen slightly. “... You think I’m not …?”

“I trust you,” she interrupted quickly. “But how do I know you’re you?”

“Seeing my face won’t help.”

“What’s wrong with it? Is it another of your regenerations? Cos I know them all, I’ve seen ‘em in the photo album. And I don’t care.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what?”

He paused. “... It would really make you feel better?”

She nodded. “I don’t care what you look like,” she stressed again.

“... Okay,” he finally said, nodding. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded once more, reached up, and pulled it back.

Rose stared. 

It was her Doctor’s face, but only just. He had his deep brown eyes, thin face and sideburns, but his hair was flecked with black tinges, his chin a bit more prominent, his skin weirdly smooth. But perhaps the most disturbing thing was the hollowness - his cheekbones, his eye sockets. She could see the skeleton seemingly jutting out from under his pale skin, as if his muscles had just wasted away.

He did look somewhat grotesque, but over the past few months she’d become used to him looking like a corpse as the terminal disease had progressively ravaged his body. She’d watched him turn from full of energy and colour into a weak, pale, thin shell of the man she knew, and this version of him, although disturbing, was not nearly as bad.

After a moment she realised that he was staring at her, anxiously awaiting some sort of response. So she just nodded and smiled a beaming smile.

“It’s okay,” she assured him.

“Really?”

She nodded again. “A little bit ghost-zombie-vampire but I’ve seen you worse.”

“Really? When?”

“When you got Tokos Mumps,” she told him, grinning. “You looked like the inside of an Aero bar for a week. The colour and everythin’. I couldn’t kiss that.”

The Doctor hybrid tilted his head at her, like an intently listening dog. “So it’s okay?”

“Fine!” she insisted. He made to pull the hood back up again, but Rose quickly stopped him. “Leave it down.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” he confirmed, and left it down as instructed.

“We’d better get goin’,” Rose said, getting up and for the first time properly registering the pyramid they were standing in front of. “Why’s there a pyramid?”

Of course, the Doctor only shrugged. He didn’t know. 

There were voices coming from it, and a scream - that scream, sounded a lot like Sarah Jane Smith.

Rose was drawn to it without really knowing why. “Stay here!” she threw over her shoulder to her Doctor, and started to run. There was an opening to the pyramid so she took it, running through the corridor to a small room. There was the TARDIS, there was a woman, kneeling over a man sprawled out on the floor.

No … was that … Sarah Jane? Knelt next to a man with wild curly hair and an atrociously long scarf. She’d seen him in photo albums, Sarah Jane had talked about him. This was the Doctor’s fourth body.

“Doctor …” Sarah whispered, checking his hearts, but it was clear she’d got nothing as she began to sob, pressing her forehead against the dead man’s chest.

Suddenly the Doctor’s arm launched up and tapped Sarah on the head from behind. Sarah shrieked in alarm, springing up to check around her until the man spoke:

“You’re soaking my shirt.”

“Oh, you’re alive!” Sarah realised through leftover sobs, pulling him to sit up.

“Respiratory bypass system,” the Doctor explained, “useful in a tight squeeze … where are we?”

“Um, the pyramid of Mars!” Sarah informed him.

He got to his feet with Sarah’s help, straightening up his clothes as he did so. “Where’s Scarman?”

“He went through there,” Sarah said, pointing at an empty doorway.

“Well, come along then!” the Doctor said, pushing her towards the doorway. “Be with you in a moment!”

“What!?”

“Keep going!” he said, pushing her through the door frame before suddenly turning back and staring right at Rose. She immediately tried to hide, but it was a little too late.

“Um, hi,” Rose said nervously.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” he told her honestly.

“Yeah, sorry,” Rose mumbled, scratching her head awkwardly.

He paused for a moment, just taking her in. “... I may have somewhat overreacted when we last met.”

“Somewhat?” Rose wondered.

“Well, of course I was fully justified in it but still, dismissing you like that probably wasn’t the best course of action at that time.”

“Is this your attempt to say sorry?” Rose wondered, grinning slightly. “Okay, apology accepted. What are we doin’?”

“Sutekh.”

“Oh,” Rose muttered, thinking about that for a moment. “Sarah Jane told me about that. The mummy guy?”

“Sutekh the Destroyer, the last of the Osirans,” he clarified.

“Yeah, the mummy guy,” Rose confirmed. 

“Well, if you will put it so simply,” he said, turning to move. “Are you coming?”

Before she could reject, the door she was standing in front of slammed closed, so perfectly timed it was though it was listening to their conservation. She turned, looked at it, then looked back at the curly-haired Doctor. “Well, I think that’s a yes.”

“Hurry up, then,” he ordered and ran through the next door. Rose followed, shuffling through the stone door before it slid closed. They emerged into a similar room, the walls made of stone with channels of golden energy running through them.

“Which way now?” Sarah asked.

The Doctor didn’t answer, just looking around for a moment before moving off. Rose and Sarah were about to follow when out of nowhere Sarah was encased in a clear tube, making Rose jump in alarm. 

“Doctor!” Rose urged, staring at Sarah.

“A dexadron crucible!” he realised, turning back to Sarah who was soundlessly shouting in a panic inside the tube.

“Keep calm!” he ordered her. “Keep calm!”

Sarah obediently fell still as the Doctor dropped to sit down, clearly thinking hard. 

“Oh Sarah,” he moaned. “I should never have brought you here.”

After a few moments Sarah dropped to sit down soundlessly within the tube. A few moments passed before she began to mime again. The Doctor quickly reached up, writing the word  **RELAX** on the surface of the now steamed-up tube. She obeyed again.

“I can't do it,” the Doctor muttered, stroking the side of his face. “I can't do it.”

“Intruders, you face the twin guardians of Horus,” a disembodied voice suddenly spoke calmly, almost making Rose jump out of her skin. She turned to see two mummies with chests bigger than Dolly Parton standing to the side. “One is programmed to deceive, the other points truly. The two switches control your fate. Instant freedom or instant death. Before you choose, you can ask one guardian one question. This is the riddle of the Osirans. Which is the guardian of life?”

Rose checked the tube - it now had two red buttons. Obviously one to set Sarah free, the other her death switch. She immediately tensed, despite already knowing how it ended.

The Doctor glanced at Rose, and then straight at the two guardians. “Which indeed,” he murmured. “They're both contra-programmed so that one will always give a false indication.”

He moved forward, Sarah pressing herself to the tube in desperation as the Doctor stood beside the guardians. “One question,” he said, and thought some more, before looking to the nearest guardian. “If I were to ask your fellow guardian the question, which switch would he indicate?”

Slowly, the mummy raises its arm to point at the nearest button.

“I see,” the Doctor mused. “So if you're the true guardian, that must be the death switch. And if you're the automatic liar, you'd be trying to mislead me, so that still must be the death switch. Therefore,” he continued, moving to the other switch. “This has to be the one we want.”

Without hesitation he hit the switch. For a moment nothing happened and Rose’s stomach began to sink, until instantaneously the tube and the guardians vanished. Sarah stumbled but the Doctor grabbed her hand, pulling her back. “Come on, come on!”

They immediately ran together through the small, claustrophobic corridors, following the voice of who could only be Sutekh. 

“Destroy! Destroy!” he cried, just as something exploded the moment she, the Doctor and Sarah bundled into the room. “Free!!!”

Rose watched, horrified as a strange green-eyed jackal headed man morphed into a human - a human who looked very, very dead. His eyes were red and his skin pale, but he didn’t seem to be in control of himself as he yelled, “I'm free! Free at last!”

The man dropped to the floor, his body somehow instantaneously mummifying and smoking on the floor before completely disappearing.

“He’s won. Sutekh's won!” Sarah cried, panicked.

The Doctor turned, as if by instinct, gazing down a hugely long corridor with doors sliding open one after the other, all the way down a long corridor until they could see the TARDIS, sitting patiently in the distance.

“No!” the Doctor barked. “The time factor!”

“What!?”

“C’mon, run!” he snapped, grabbing her and yanking her back to run again.

“Doctor!” Sarah cried, but her protest was lost as they flew up the corridor together, Rose in pursuit until they reached the TARDIS and dived inside. The Doctor immediately began to program before apparently beginning to dismantle the TARDIS.

“What are we doing!?” Sarah cried, staring at him in alarm.

“The time factor!” the Doctor said again, finally getting what he wanted - some sort of large white case with circuits on it. They landed, and almost immediately the Doctor was off again out of the door, through the doorway and into a large room in which was a sarcophagus. He scrambled to hook the machine up to the sarcophagus, before retreating to kneel next to Sarah, his hands on the controls.

“We’ve got about twenty seconds,” the Doctor said quickly as in front of them the sarcophagus changed, some sort of multicoloured light emanating from it, like a tunnel. “Here he comes.” 

Then there was Sutekh the Destroyer, hovering inside the tunnel, slowly moving forward. Rose got the distinct feeling that if he made it out only death and chaos would ensue. He kept moving forward.

“C’mon, stop him!” Rose hissed, but the Doctor ignored her, his hand poised over the controls until Sutekh’s entire face filled the tunnel, his bright green eyes in the head of the jackal shining. The Doctor activated the controls and Sutekh stopped, just shy of coming out.

“Who dares to interfere?” he boomed.

The Doctor grinned a little. “You're caught in a temporal trap, Sutekh.”

“Time Lord!” Sutekh realised. “I shall destroy you. I shall destroy you!” he screeched.

“How long do Osirans live, Sutekh?” the Doctor asked, but from his tone of voice Rose could tell he already knew the answer.

“Release me!” Sutekh demanded.

“Never. You're caught in the corridor of eternity.”

“Release me, insect, or I shall destroy the cosmos!” Sutekh cried.

“You're a thousand years beyond the twentieth century now, Sutekh. Go on for another ten thousand.”

“I'll spare the planet Earth! I'll give it to you as a plaything!” Sutekh pleaded, before suddenly being drawn back through the tunnel, becoming smaller and smaller ... “Release me!” he screamed.

“No, Sutekh. The time of the Osirans is long past. Go.”

“No!” Sutekh cried, his cry fading as he disappeared into nothing. Then there was silence.

“He lived about seven thousand years,” the Doctor muttered.

“He's dead. Sutekh is dead,” Sarah surmised, clearly not daring to smile without confirmation from the Doctor.

“At last,” the Doctor confirmed.

Sarah breathed a sigh of relief, before looking at the device the Doctor had used. “Look, I know that's the time control from the Tardis, but what did you do?”

“I moved the threshold of the time space tunnel into the far future. He could never have reached the end. After the Eye was broken, I realised that we had little more than two minutes to get back here.”

“But how?”

“The time radio waves take to pass from Mars to Earth.”

“Oh!” Sarah realised. “So the Eye of Horus was still holding Sutekh for two minutes after it was broken.”

“Yes!” the Doctor concluded, getting up. “You know, the Egyptians called him the Typhonian beast,” he said, moving to the open sarcophagus now emanating a blood red light, proceeding to unhook the device he’d used from it.

_ Crash! _

“Doctor!” Sarah cried and he spun around to look at the sarcophagus, now making the sound and view of a fire. 

“That was careless of me. I forgot the thermal balance would equalise …” the Doctor mused.

“Listen, this priory was burnt to the ground, remember?”

“Yes ... Perhaps it is time we were leaving. We don't want to be blamed for starting a fire, do we?” he said, casually strolling down the steps back to Sarah.

“No.”

“I had enough of that in 1666.”

“What?” Sarah cried, stepping into the TARDIS as the Doctor laughed. Rose smiled at that, and quickly grabbed his arm. He paused, turning back.

“Yes?”

“Can I borrow your sonic screwdriver?” she asked. 

“What’s the password?” he asked, a big grin on his face.

“Um … Please?”

The Doctor’s grin, impossibly, seemed to widen even more. “I must confess, I don’t have a password. But that should be it,” he said, and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. It bore little resemblance to the one Rose knew. Silver casing with a vertical red attachment. He held it out to her, and she took it.

“Thanks,” she said.

“Must dash,” he said, making a gesture down himself to indicate his clothes. “I don’t believe charcoal is in this season.”

“Bye!” Rose said, waving after him as he ran into the TARDIS door. She quickly darted to the window and jumped out as the engines of the TARDIS started to churn. She got about twenty metres from the priory before there was a huge explosion and the windows blew out.

She checked the screwdriver in her hand. This was the object and the memory to demonstrate his intelligence, she was sure of it. She looked up, half expecting to see her travelling companion standing there, so it came as a bit of a surprise that he wasn’t.

“Doctor?” she called, but her voice yelled into nothing.

She looked back at the priory - she had entered a pyramid. He was probably still outside the pyramid, but she had no idea where that was. She’d lost him. She was now lost inside her husband’s head.

“Doctor!” she cried again, knowing it would do no good. She had to find him.

She walked off through the green grass of the memory of Earth, calling out his name.


	8. Benevolence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone and adrift inside the Doctor’s head, Rose meets an odd man, before finding herself a crucial part of one of the Doctor’s biggest dilemmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode used is Genesis of the Daleks. The memory in the middle where the Doctor says he didn't mean to survive is from a previous story in this series, Echoes. When I wrote most of these stories Day of the Doctor didn't exist, so there may be a minor deviation from canon if you squint, but it's too late to change it now! :P

Rose’s search for the Doctor had turned up nothing. She had been across the landscape for what felt like hours, calling out his name but getting nothing but her own mild echo coming back to her.

It wasn't until she happened on a bunker that suddenly she felt someone standing behind her. She was about to turn when she remembered not to turn back, and stayed firmly rooted to the spot. 

"Doctor?" she asked instead, nervously.

"Rose!" 

The strange hooded man who had saved her when the house had tried to squeeze her to death suddenly appeared in front of her. "Having fun?" he asked.

"Yeah, fun," she muttered. "I've lost the Doctor."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm always losing him, and I  _ am _ him," he replied. "Which makes perfect sense when you think about it, well, sort of, well, no."

"You make no sense."

“Probably not,” the man conceded, and started walking. Rose followed.

“But you’re the Doctor, right? Which Doctor?”

“We  _ are  _ all the same Doctor.”

“I know, but you know what I mean,” she said, slightly exasperated having to jog a little to keep pace with him. “Are you the one with the teeth or the one with the recorder?”

“Hmm,” the man mused. “Maybe I should take that up again. Or the organ. I used to play the hammond organ. Won Straxos’ Got Talent, then got bad press for not being Straxian though I did save their planet, there’s gratitude for you.”

Rose quickly realised that she was going to struggle to get anything out of this crazy version of him. “Okay, look. Shut up and concentrate.”

“Yes, shutting up and concentrating,” he declared.

“Do you know where my Doctor is?”

“No.”

For a moment Rose paused, a little surprised that he’d actually directly answered her question. “Okay, got any idea where he’d be?”

“No.”

“Well, thanks, you were a lot of help,” she replied jokingly.

“No problem, Rose Tyler,” he said. “Better be going, things to do, and remember - don’t die!”

He ran off before Rose even had time to process what he’d said.

“Y’know,” she directed to the sky with an accompanying sigh. “The more I’m gettin’ to know you, the more annoying you are.”

Of course, she got no reply. 

She looked back, and realised that the crazy Doctor had led her straight to the door of the bunker, and there were voices inside it. Intrigued, she opened the door and stepped in, following the voices down the corridors until she reached a small room.

There stood two people - one was Sarah, the other was a tall man in a suit and tie with curly brown hair. Harry, Rose realised. Sarah had often talked about him and had pictures on her wall. He was holding another piece of wire with two strands on the end. Sarah was looking a bit anxious and nervous.

“What’s  _ taking  _ him so long?” she hissed to Harry.

“It’s a very delicate operation, Sarah,” Harry said, fiddling with the wire in his hand. “Still, he should’ve finished by now.”

“Doctor?” Sarah asked after a moment. “Doctor, are you all right?”

Suddenly the door burst open and out came the teeth and curls Doctor, somehow his scarf even longer than before. Around his neck was wrapped some sort of alien creature, strangling him as he cried out desperately.

Rose, Harry and Sarah, all well-trained companions, jumped forward immediately to help him. Sarah and Harry both tried to pull the creature off, but it wasn’t coming.

Then Rose remembered she had the sonic.

She drew it out of her pocket and pressed down (what she assumed to be) the button. Whether it was the sonic or pure coincidence she didn’t know, but seconds afterwards Sarah managed to get a bit of the creature off, followed by Harry, before finally the Doctor managed to get the last of it off of his throat, throwing it back into the room he’d come from and closing the door.

Recovering quickly, he stumbled to Harry and Sarah, grabbing the wires Harry had been fiddling with. Then he paused.

“What are you waiting for!?” Sarah cried.

He gazed at the wires in his hands, his eyes wide. “Just touch these two strands together ... and the Daleks are finished.”

Rose froze. The Doctor had never told her this. He’d had the chance to destroy the Daleks?

“Have I that right?” the Doctor suddenly continued.

“To destroy the Daleks? You can't doubt it!” Sarah insisted.

“Well, I do,” the Doctor croaked. “You see, some things could be better with the Daleks. Many future worlds will become allies just because of their fear of the Daleks.”

“But … But it isn't like that!” Sarah stumbled out desperately.

“But the final responsibility is mine, and mine alone,” he moaned, and suddenly looked directly at Rose. She jumped a little, surprised he’d noticed her in the commotion. “Listen, if someone who knew the future pointed out a child to you and told you that that child would grow up totally evil, to be a ruthless dictator who would destroy millions of lives, could you then kill that child?”

Harry and Sarah both looked at Rose, as the Doctor did. They were expecting an answer from  _ her _ .

“... But that’s not the same,” Rose insisted. “That’s a life, a human life.”

“How is that any different from a Dalek life?” the Doctor asked.

She swallowed. “Maybe you could change that child, if you knew the future of the child you could raise it with more compassion, help it.”

“So why can’t the Daleks be raised with compassion?” the Doctor countered. “Why can’t we shape them?”

“You could, but I bet you can’t,” Rose countered.

“We're talking about the Daleks,” Sarah interjected. “The most evil creatures ever invented. You  _ must  _ destroy them, you must complete your mission for the Time Lords!”

“Do I have the right?” the Doctor said again. “Simply touch one wire against the other and that's it. The Daleks cease to exist. Hundreds of millions of people, thousands of generations can live without fear, in peace, and never even know the word Dalek.”

“Then why wait?” Sarah demanded to know. “If it was a disease or some sort of bacteria you were destroying, you wouldn't  _ hesitate!” _

“But I kill ... wipe out a whole intelligent lifeform ... then I become like them. I'd be no better than the Daleks.”

Rose knew those words, and it broke her heart.

_ “I'm nothing but a murderer. I'm … I'm nothing but a Dalek.” _

Then she felt it. The pain inside this Doctor, torn between duty and morality. It felt like her heart had stopped. 

She then realised he was looking at her again. There were tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, and she knew he could see them.

“Suppose someone in here knew the future,” he said again, gazing at her. “What would they think?”

“ _ Think _ of all the suffering there'll be if you don't do it,” Sarah implored, but Rose barely heard her. As Rose stared back at the Doctor’s face, she realised in her mind’s eye all she’d seen. All of the suffering on Satellite Five; all the death and lack of mercy the Daleks carried with them throughout their attacks. The way they had killed that poor man in Torchwood. The way they had cut down men, women and children alike when they had moved the Earth. The never ending pursuit of universal domination; to wipe out every other species. The nightmares she’d had to comfort him through, in fact, the nightmares  _ she’d _ had too. The amount of pain they had caused the Doctor. The near-extinction of the Time Lords.

_ "The final days were hell. I'd seen Davros fly into the jaws of the Nightmare Child, I'd seen the fall of Arcadia; the destruction of Hotel Historia, Polymos and Kolox. There were so many Daleks, there were the Skaro Degradations, the Nightmare Child, the Horde of Travesties and the Could've Been King with his armies of Meanwhiles and Neverweres. Millions were dying and coming back to life every second just to be killed again as time was completely obliterated in the final days. The council was going mad ... Well, we were all going mad." _

_ "How so?" Brax asked quietly. _

_ "Towards the end they wanted to. Rassilon proposed the Ultimate Sanction. I couldn't let them, Braxiatel. So I found the Great Key. I thought I could replicate the De-mat Gun, modify it to wipe the Medusa Cascade. Things escalated. I ended up making ... the Moment." _

_ Brax's shot open. "You're the Renegade!" he realised in horror. _

_ The Doctor swallowed, nodding. "I'm so sorry, Braxiatel. I couldn't watch the Ultimate Sanction going into effect. I renounced my name, and kept the Moment with me. The Time Lords knew I had it, but they couldn't do anything about it. The day the Daleks destroyed every Battle Tardis and made it to the Citadel itself, I used the Moment. The War ended." _

_ "Gjara'vont," Brax breathed, his eyes wide in horror. _

_ "I didn't have a choice," the Doctor croaked. _

_ "So totally fine with killing your entire race bar two," the Master grunted. "Because you didn't have a choice, hmm?" _

_ "It wasn't like that!" the Doctor yelled, frustrated and upset. "I didn't mean ..." _

_ "Oh, it was an accident?" the Master interrupted. _

_ "I didn't mean to survive!" _

I didn’t mean to survive.

The words had chilled her then and seemed to now feel even worse. This Doctor, so young, didn’t know any of this. He couldn’t see any of it. He couldn’t even envision it.

And he knew that too.

It wasn’t like her recommendation was going to impact the future at all, but it felt like it would. 

“... Think about it,” she eventually began, her mouth dry. “If you don’t let them live, you’re condemnin’ them to die before they’ve been born. That’s not fair. How can you judge somethin’ that’s never had a chance to judge itself? Yeah, okay, so we know they’re gonna be evil, but you know what, so is the Master. But you’ve never killed him, yeah? You’ve had the chances, but why have you never killed him? Because you believe in him. You believe in people. You think they might come good. Even the Daleks. Which I know sounds crazy but if you think about it, here and now they’re not doing anythin’.

“The one thing you and me don’t know is your own personal future. So how can we judge ‘em? I know what they’ve done to you more than anyone, I know what they mean to you in the future, but they’re still makin’ their own story. Who says they won’t suddenly turn around cos their programming’s been rewritten or somethin’, and be the greatest, most brilliant creatures, protecting the whole universe? So you think you’re riddin’ yourself of the biggest evil, but maybe you’re riddin’ yourself of the greatest good too without even knowin’ it. You’re not a god, you’re not all-knowing and all that, but you’re benevolent. Don’t confuse ‘em.”

She finished, quite surprised by what had come out of her mouth. The Doctor gazed at her for a long moment.

Then he smiled the most brilliant smile.

“Doctor!” a voice suddenly yelled from the corridor before a man entered, dressed in black and holding a gun. “Doctor, I've been looking everywhere for you. Davros has agreed to our terms.”

“He submitted?” Harry gaped.

“He did, but he asked only one thing. That he might be allowed to address a meeting of all the Elite, scientific and military.”

“He's going to put a case?” the Doctor asked, astonished.

“Yes, but a vote will be taken. It's a foregone conclusion. There'll be a complete landslide against any further development of the Daleks. We've won.”

“I'm grateful to you, Gharman,” the Doctor breathed, staring at the wires in his hands. “More grateful than I can tell you.”

He shot a look at Rose, and smiled.  She couldn't tell if he already knew how his meeting with Davros would go. Did he know that they would be created anyway and the meeting was pointless? Or did he believe he could deny what she'd said?

“The meeting's about to begin,” the man called Gharman continued. “Will you come?”

“Yes,” the Doctor affirmed, inclining with his head for Harry and Sarah to leave. He then gathered up the wire, yanked it so it broke, and looked at Rose.

“That felt rather pivotal,” he declared, and held up the gathered wire in his hand. “Take this.”

He threw it to her. She caught it, surprised.

“I hope to see you again,” he said with that amazing grin.

“Don’t doubt it,” she told him, wrapping it around her elbow to neaten it out and tie it together.

He gave her one last nod, and disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation: Gjara’vont - Of darkest thought


	9. Anarchy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still searching for her soulless Doctor, Rose stumbles into a memory with multiple Doctors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode borrowed is the Five Doctors :D

“Doctor! Doctor!”

Rose’s throat was getting sore, and still there was no sign of him.

Fleeting thoughts of defeat were lingering at the edges of her head, but she was desperately trying to push them away. Without the Doctor she couldn’t give him the objects, and therefore they couldn’t beat what was trying to stop him regenerating. Then he would sleep forever, or regenerate and become what was increasingly seeming like one very nasty regeneration.

After a few more minutes of wandering she came across a completely random metal structure - she’d seen enough in her travels with him to know that it was a transmat. A transmat in the middle of a field.

Was this the Doctor? Guiding her? Or was it the other part of him luring her into a trap?

She had a quick look at her surroundings, but there was absolutely no sign of any life. Two options. Stay here and carry on walking into an apparent abyss, or take a chance on a randomly-placed transmat. 

Well, she didn’t really have much choice.

She stepped into the transmat. The world immediately folded in on itself in a dazzling shine of light, but she was getting used to transmats now so she closed her eyes and waited for the feeling of her body reattaching itself. With a small ‘pop’ in her ears she opened her eyes, and saw herself standing in some sort of cave. The the side were stood some people - she recognised a few - Sarah Jane, the Brigadier, someone called Tegan she’d seen in photos and two other people she didn’t recognise. Across the room was the Doctor and … no, wait,  _ four  _ Doctors. She knew one of them from having an argument with him when he had been stealing the TARDIS - his first body - but she’d not encountered the other three. She knew them from pictures though. One was his second body - a strange, clownlike man; another was his third - an older man stuck halfway between a musketeer and Sherlock Holmes; and the last was his fifth - a much younger man with blond hair and a kindly face.

She made to move forward, but it was clear they were in the middle of some sort of confrontation so she quickly stopped herself. One, Two and Three were standing opposite a man in a black robe while Five was by the man’s side, staring as if hypnotised. 

Their voices were muffled to her ears, but she couldn’t figure out why. She was in perfect hearing range. She tried to get closer but for some reason it was as if her body had become instantaneously paralysed and she could only stand there, immobile, staring at the scene before her …

One, Two and Three stepped forward and the man in the robe held up his staff. Immediately they all stopped dead, as if unable to advance further.

“Doctor!” Two suddenly said, but it sounded like a million miles away - so quiet she struggled to hear it. He said something else, but she couldn’t hear that at all. 

“Fight … boy … it!” One said, but his voice was fluctuating, up and down as though someone were controlling his volume.

Then they all closed their eyes. What were they doing? But she realised, as they stood there, the world was beginning to become less blurry, and Five was frowning …

He walked forward to join the other three Doctors, and turned back to the man. The man dropped his staff, and immediately her tense body relaxed. She almost fell over, managing to catch herself on the wall, taking a few deep breaths. Had she also been hypnotised, just like the Doctor? How could that have happened?

“You see, Borusa?” Five began. “Together, we're a match for you.”

“Perhaps,” the man called Borusa conceded. “But you will never overcome me.”

“We don't need to. Soon, Chancellor Flavia will be here with her guards, or can you overcome the whole High Council?” Five asked, somewhat facetiously. 

“Why not?” Borusa asked. “I am Lord President of Gallifrey, and  _ you  _ are the notorious renegades. We shall see who is believed.”

“This is the Game of Rassilon,” a loud, deep voice suddenly boomed from out of nowhere, making Rose almost jump out of her skin. She was about to look for a source when One suddenly stepped forward, stopping Five from advancing.

“No, wait, my boy,” One said calmly. “That was the voice of Rassilon. It's out of our hands now.”

_ ‘Rassilon?’  _ she mouthed, frowning. She knew that name. He’d talked about Rassilon before… Where? How? Clearly she hadn’t been listening to him at the time.

“Who comes to disturb Rassilon?” Rassilon continued.

“I am Borusa, Lord President of Gallifrey!” Borusa declared boldly, walking up to a body lying on a sarcophagus of some kind, the sarcophagus adorned with carvings of the heads of Time Lord wearing their peacock collars. To Rose’s complete surprise, suddenly a giant head appeared on some sort of screen behind the body - a man with a strange hat and extreme eyebrows.

“Why have you come here?” Rassilon boomed, his face swimming in and out of focus. 

“I come to claim that which is promised!” Borusa told him.

“You seek immortality?”

“I do.”

“Be sure,” Rassilon said, slightly ominously. “Be very sure. Even now, it is not too late to turn back.”

“I am sure!” Borusa declared.

Rassilon’s gaze drifted to the collection of Doctors. “And these others?”

“These are my servants,” Borusa told him.

“Is this so?” Rassilon asked the Doctors.

“It most certainly is not!” Three declared.

“Don't believe him!” Two agreed.

“It's nonsense!” Five said.

“Don't listen to them, Lord Rassilon!” One suddenly said, stunning everyone. “President Borusa speaks the truth!”

“You believe that Borusa deserves the immortality he seeks?” Rassilon wanted to know.

“Indeed I do!” One said.

“What are you  _ doing!?”  _ Rose couldn’t help but hiss, panicked.

“He shall have it,” Rassilon boomed, looking to Borusa. “Take the ring.”

Slowly Borusa reached out, taking the ring from the body. Should she stop it? Should she run forward and grab it out of his hand?

“You claim immortality, Lord Borusa. You will not turn back?” Rassilon wondered.

“Never!” Borusa cried.

“Then put on the ring,” Rassilon said, and Borusa slowly put it on his finger. “Others have come to claim immortality through the ages. It was given to them, as it shall be given to you.”

Rose watched, horrified as suddenly the carved heads on the tomb seemed to come to life. Eyes in each of the heads flickered back and forth - trapped inside. Immediately she realised what immortality meant.

“Your place is prepared, Lord President Borusa,” Rassilon said. Borusa suddenly clutched his head as suddenly warped, evil-sounding tones began, ringing in Rose’s ears before Borusa’s hands snapped to his sides, the ring disappeared from his finger.

Then he was gone.

Rose’s eyes snapped to the sarcophagus, where a new stone Time Lord head was. Its eyes darted back and forth, panicked, terrified. Borusa was preserved with his dream of immortality achieved.

She felt sick, but mostly just terrified.

“And what of you, Doctors? Do you claim immortality too?” Rassilon wondered. 

Collectively the Doctors waved their hands crying, “that's very kind of you. No. No, no thank you!”

Five took the lead. “No, my Lord. All we ask is that we be returned to our proper place in time and space.”

“It shall be done,” Rassilon said.

“One of us is trapped,” Five told him. Rose hadn’t noticed in the panic but he was right - the teeth and curls Doctor wasn’t there.

“I know,” Rassilon said. “He too shall be freed.”

“So shall the one who is bound,” Rassilon continued. Rose abruptly realised she also hadn’t noticed the man on the floor - she didn’t recognise him, but she could take an educated guess from his slicked-back hair and goatee that it was the Master. “His sins will find their punishment in due time.”

The Master faded away.

“It is time for your other selves to depart,” Rassilon continued without pause. “Let them make their farewells and go. You have chosen wisely, Doctor. Farewell.”

Rassilon vanished from the screen, and everyone relaxed. The First Doctor even began to chuckle, strutting off with his walking stick in hand.

“Did you know what would happen?” Five asked, following him.

“Hmm? Oh, I'm so sorry. I suddenly realised what the old proverb meant. To lose is to win and he who wins shall lose. It was all part of Rassilon's trap to find out who wanted immortality and put him out of the way. He knew very well that immortality was a curse, not a blessing.”

Five breathed out a sigh of relief, before looking at all the versions of himself. “Well, now it seems we must part, just as I was getting to know me.”

Rose couldn’t hold in her curiosity any longer. As all the versions of him and the companions now released from their mind control made their farewells, she jogged up to the body and the sarcophagus, examining it. It was a body, looking as though asleep, dressed in a long gold robe with a crown on his head.

She then dropped to the sarcophagus, staring at the heads on the side. They just looked like carvings now. She experimentally touched one. Stone cold to the touch, of course, but she swore, for a flicker of a moment, she could see the eyes move.

She backed off quickly, looking back at the Doctor. There was only his Fifth self left now, all the others had gone. She’d clearly been staring at the carvings for longer than she had thought.

“Temporal fission,” Five suddenly stated to his companions. One of them she knew was Tegan, the other - a red-headed man - she didn’t recognise. “Old Rassilon is very clever.” Five suddenly turned to Rose, smiling. “Hello, Rose.”

“Oh,” Rose realised, a bit stunned. She’d been somewhat ignored up until then. “Hi.”

“Still skipping through my memories, I see,” Five said. “What are you looking for now?”

“I dunno really,” Rose said, unable to stop herself glancing back at the carvings. “I just sorta … fell into this one. By the way, who’s Rassilon?”

“You don’t know?” he asked, confused.

“No. Sorry. I don’t think I was listenin’,” she confessed, scratching her head awkwardly.

“He’s one of the founders of Time Lord society,” Five told her.

“Oh,” Rose muttered. “Probably should’ve known that.”

“Probably,” Five agreed.

She glanced back at the carvings nervously. “Is Borusa really in there?”

“I’m afraid he is.”

“Is he … y’know ... aware?”

“I would try not to think about that,” Five mused, just as the transmat in the corner began to ebb with light and three people appeared - a woman in a peacock collar, flanked by men dressed up in red outfits that reminded Rose of the alien Gazoo from the Flintstones.

The woman walked to the Doctor, poised. She was clearly important, as she clicked her fingers and the guards moved at her command.

“You are safe, Doctor,” she said without a hint of emotion. “I feared President Borusa had ..." She momentarily paused. "Where  _ is  _ President Borusa?”

“Unavailable. It seems the legend about Rassilon is true,” Five replied.

“You must make a full statement to the High Council,” she said.

“Oh, must I?” the Doctor moaned.

“It can form part of your inaugural address!” she realised.

There was a slight pause as the Doctor stared at her. “... My what?”

She smiled, taking his arm and walking with him. “Doctor, you have evaded your responsibilities for far too long. The disqualification of President Borusa leaves a gap at the very summit of the Time Lord hierarchy. There is only one who can take this place.” She stopped walking with him, gazing at him. “Yet again, it is my duty and my pleasure to inform you that the full Council has exercised its emergency powers to appoint  _ you  _ to the position of President, to take office immediately.”

“Oh, no …” Five breathed.

“This is a summons no Time Lord dare refuse,” she said, aghast. “To disobey the will of the High Council will attract the severest penalties.”

“Very well, Chancellor Flavia,” he said. “You will return to Gallifrey immediately and summon the High Council. You have full deputy powers until I return. I shall travel in my Tardis.”

Flavia stepped forward immediately. “Oh, but Doctor-”

The Doctor rounded on her. “You will address me by my proper title. I am President, am I not?” he demanded. “You will obey my commands! Into the Tardis,” he directed at his companions, who fled. He then turned to the Gazoo guards, his hands in his pockets. “You will escort Chancellor Flavia back to her duties.”

He ran to the TARDIS.

“Doctor, wait!” Flavia cried. The Doctor shot Rose an apologetic, ‘sorry to leave you in the lurch’ look before diving inside and slamming the door.

The memory froze as it ended.

Anarchy, Rose decided, grinning. That was this memory. She strolled up to the frozen Chancellor Flavia and whipped the peacock collar off of her head. Anarchy against the Time Lords. Had to be.

She was just looking to the way out, when suddenly came a deep voice she knew from just a few minutes ago.

“Solgri,” Rassilon said, sounding like he was spitting dirt.

“What?” she asked, turning to the screen where Rassilon’s face was, his eyebrows lowered, his eyes narrowed and staring at her in an exceptionally intimidating manner.

“Eon’almok’wi-irsreb ici ce’bainoral-ia ye ce’Timeia?” he boomed.

Rose shrank back slightly. “I don’t understand you,” she said, not really knowing what else to say.

“Eon’afa wi-kyla bula eon’chala,” Rassilon continued. “Eon’i-o’jisho’icile-n.”

Rose sensed danger. She made for the transmat, but to her complete horror it disappeared - turning into just a wall of rock. She looked for another exit, but every time she spotted one it sealed itself off. Now she was trapped, and yelling for the Doctor would do no good, she’d learnt that now. It was up to her.

She stepped forward, lifted her head and steeled her expression. "I'm savin' my husband's life and you're not gettin' in my way,” she forced out, far more forcefully than she was feeling.

"Rose Tyler! Why are you doing this?" Rassilon asked fiercely, his voice suddenly changing, but she recognised it. She just had no idea where from. "His life’s done, he’s dead! It's my turn now!"

This wasn’t Rassilon, this was his next self, trying to stop her. "You'll get your turn, but he wants to stick with who he is, so why can't you just wait!?"

"Because it’s  _ my turn! _ " the man using Rassilon's image yelled. "I'm stuck here! How is that fair!?"

"I'm sorry you got made but that's not our fault!" Rose insisted. "He wants to stay as he is, I'm sorry!"

"All because of  _ you,  _ Rose Tyler!"

" _ He _ wanted to, I tried to get him to regenerate earlier but he didn't want to!" Rose explained desperately, still trying to look for a way out. "I just want him, I don't care what he looks like!"

"Then you can just forget him, can't you? Stop piecing him together and let me through!"

Rose suddenly froze, frowning. Wait. Would it really be so bad if he changed? 

“Wait, hold on,” Rose said, hands in the air. “You just wanna live, yeah? What happens if I just stop -”

Suddenly her head began to feel very light, as if her mind was being separated from her body. She opened her eyes as she saw the memory merging into many colours like stirring paint colours together. She was leaving, she realised, leaving the Doctor’s mind …

Quickly the light became too intense and she had to close her eyes. When she opened them again, the Master was staring back at her. She’d returned to that dim, dark room.

"No, what are you doin'?" she cried. "Put me back!"

"No," the Master said firmly, standing up. "Not if you're just going to give up.”

“I’m not giving up!” Rose insisted, sitting up. “Look, his next body wants to live and …”

“Yadda, yadda, yadda,” the Master interrupted. “Never mind the massive paradox, because it’s all about your  _ feelings _ , isn’t it?”

Rose stared at him, stumped. “I thought you were being nice?”

“Nice?” the Master scoffed. “Nice is irrelevant when the universe is about to implode.  _ Look at him.” _

Rose did. There he was, the Doctor with his Tenth body, her husband and the father of her children. He was lying there flat on the floor, looking as though asleep. His eyes were closed, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. He always looked so beautiful when he slept. None of the worries and fears and general discord of being the Doctor that he had when he was awake. Just pure peace and serenity. It was being particularly highlighted this time by the placement of a barred window in the stone wall - the early morning light breaking through and illuminating him. He looked almost golden. Or was that regeneration energy, just waiting to take hold?

How on Earth could she let him just die?

“God, I’m sorry,” she muttered to him, kneeling over his supine body and brushing back his unruly brown hair. They had been through hell to get him to regenerate in the same body. All of the pain of his degenerative illness, the long nights where he'd curled in on himself, desperate not to cry out and wake her up. The endless sense of guilt because he had been throwing up in the toilet. The loss of control he’d had in his limbs towards the end.

All of that meant nothing then if she just let him go.

“Okay,” she said, turning back to the Master. “I’m ready.”

He gazed at her momentarily, took her hand and pressed it to the Doctor’s temple without another word.

Suddenly she was back, slap bang in the middle of the room. There was Rassilon’s face on the screen, staring at her.

“No!” Rose yelled out firmly, and ran to the screen. She picked up a piece of heavy rock and threw it straight at the screen - it smashed, Rassilon’s looming face finally disappearing.

Now to get out, which, judging by her surroundings, was going to be a problem. At least, until the wall suddenly exploded.

She shrieked in alarm, diving behind the sarcophagus for protection as the rocks and dust spewed out across the cave. As the dust settled she made ready to run, but someone was already at her side.

“Rose Tyler!” the familiar voice of the crazy hooded Doctor said, pulling her up by her elbow one-handed. “Saving your life, yet again, am I on a wage? I should be on a wage.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “Hey,” she said, coughing slightly and waving her hand to disperse the dust.

“How many pieces of me do you have?” he asked.

She did a quick count in her head. “Eight,” she finally said.

“Just five more to go,” he said, nodded approvingly. “What’s next?”

“I need to find the other you,” she told him. “Y’know, the vacant one.”

“Oh, he’ll turn up,” he replied brazenly. “Meanwhile, let’s get those objects. If you’re on number nine, that means you’re looking for courage next.”

“Courage?” She mulled it over. 

“I know the place, don’t worry,” he said, and immediately walked off. “Hurry up!”

As he disappeared out of the now massive hole in the rock, she paused. She knew that voice. That had been the voice inhabiting Rassilon. The one telling her to give up and let him live. He also knew about the memories ... 

_ “I don’t know what’s in my memories. He has them all.” _

That made  _ this  _ Doctor the one that was trying to stop her. The one trying to kill his Tenth self.

Should she follow him? 

He momentarily ducked back in. “Hurry up!” he ordered, and disappeared again.

He didn’t know she knew, she reasoned. She could follow him, but keep up her guard. 

With caution, she followed the zany Doctor out of the cave and into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> Solgri - Human  
> Eon’almok’wi-irsreb ici ce’bainoral-ia ye ce’Timeia? - You dare to roam in the memories of a Time Lord?  
> Eon’afa wi-kyla bula eon’chala. Eon’i-o’jisho’icile-n. - You are too close to your destination. You will not be allowed to continue.


	10. Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose finds herself becoming increasingly attached to the Doctor’s memories, before landing in the worst memory possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode used is Caves of Androzani, the extract in italics is from Time in this series and the rest is a concoction of rubbish from the head of yours truly :D

The crazy Doctor led her across the landscape, so fast she struggled to keep up. After a while, it became apparent he was going to a cave of some sort.

He led her down into it, through the chambers and tunnels and straight to the TARDIS. He opened the door for her, and they ran inside.

It was empty, at least, until suddenly the door opened and the Fifth Doctor tumbled inside, carrying the body of a woman - Rose didn’t know who. No, wait. Peri, she realised as Five struggled to the console, tapping a few buttons to surge the time rotor into life.

Rose felt increasingly ill and breathless, struggling to balance, struggling to even think straight. She caught herself on the wall, gasping as Five grunted badly, his hand red with sores, his eye and head bruised and mud splattered down his right side. It was only then Rose noticed her hands - they were as red as his were. Her hoody, only slightly distressed up until that point was being caked in dark mud down her right side …

“Peri,” he gasped, crawling back to the woman and lifting her into his lap. “Can you hear me? Open your mouth,” he continued, still gasping as he pulled out a vial with white liquid in - Bat’s Milk, Rose knew somehow - and tipped it into Peri’s mouth. “You must drink this.”

When the bat's milk was gone he threw away the empty vial and groaned again, his face contorted with pain. Rose felt it. It was as though her insides were turning to liquid. She felt like throwing up but immediately she panicked at the thought - what if she threw up her own organs?

“Is this death?” Five gasped, and collapsed to the floor. If Rose wasn’t supporting herself on the wall she would have collapsed too. She felt like she was dying as well, as the scene before her began to twist and merge.

Then suddenly she was aware of Peri’s voice. “Doctor!?” she cried anxiously. “What’s happened?”

She couldn’t stay up any longer. Rose collapsed to the floor, gasping. She was vaguely aware of someone moving her head.

“Ah,” she found herself gasping out. “Peri, I see Professor Jackij knew his stuff. Good old Jackij.”

“Jackij? You got the bat's milk?” Peri asked.

“Contains an anti-vesicant, I imagine,” she explained. “Interesting.”

“Where is it?” Peri asked quickly.

“What?” Rose wondered, confused.

“The bat's milk!”

“Finished,” she told Peri, managing to focus on a blurry shape that was probably Peri’s face. “Only enough for you.”

“There must be something I can do!” Peri said desperately, taking Rose’s hand. “Tell me!”

“Too late, Peri. Going soon,” she gasped, and looked back at the blurry face above her. “Time to say goodbye.”

“Don't give up!” Peri sobbed, barely able to get the words out. “You can't leave me now!”

“I might regenerate. I don't know,” she said, as slowly her head dropped to the floor. Peri had let go. Peri? Who was Peri?

Something felt wrong. Something felt different. This wasn’t like all the other regenerations at all … Maybe this was it. No regeneration. She was dead for good ...

“Feels different this time,” she murmured.

Suddenly there was a voice and a face in her head - Tegan. “What was it you always told me, Doctor? Brave heart? You'll survive, Doctor.”

“You must survive,” Turlough told her next. “Too many of your enemies will delight in your death, Doctor.”

“Turlough speaks the truth, Doctor,” Kamelion said next as the faces in her head swirled. It was going to be okay. 

“You're needed. You mustn't die, Doctor,” Nyssa begged her.

“Too many enemies would be delighted,” Turlough said again.

“You know that, Doctor,” Adric - poor Adric - said.

“You mustn't die, Doctor,” Nyssa repeated.

“You know that, Doctor,” Adric said again. Adric, his death had been her fault. All her fault …

“Adric?” her own voice gasped.

“You mustn't die, Doctor,” Nyssa said again as she swirled in Rose’s head.

But suddenly a new face arrived, invading everything else. She knew that face. She knew it well. It was the Master.

“No, my dear Doctor, you must die!” he spat out. “Die, Doctor! Die, Doctor!”

Then he laughed - a horrible evil laughter echoing inside her head as his face became bigger, taking over her mind. She felt like screaming but she couldn’t open her mouth …

The images began to disappear as a shrill, ear-piercing whine ripped through her ears, becoming higher and higher as pain coursed through her entire body, sharper, higher, sharper, higher ...

Suddenly she gasped, sitting up. Had it been successful? She checked her hands. Yes. She’d regenerated. She took in a deep breath to fill her new lungs and relaxed again. Then came the voice of Peri - it was far more irritating than usual. “Doctor?”

“You’re expecting someone else?” she asked sarcastically.

“I … I … I …” Peri stammered.

Rose didn’t even bother looking at Peri. “That’s three I’s in one breath,” she said immediately. “Makes you sound a rather egotistical young lady.”

“What's happened?” Peri asked desperately.

“Change, my dear. And it seems not a moment too soon.”

Suddenly Rose was flying, her mind ripping out of his with a strange, almost velcro sound before she suddenly opened her eyes and found herself back in her own body, lying on the floor. She gasped, sat up, and immediately panicked.

“My dear child,” Six suddenly said, noticing her. “How pleasant to see you!”

It didn’t sound in the least bit sincere. Rose jumped to her feet, checking her hands. The sores were gone, and the mud was gone from her front.

“Oh my god,” she gasped, running a hand down her face.

“Is that all you’ve got to say?” Six wondered idly.

She stared at him, wide-eyed. “I’ve gotta go,” she realised, running to collect the bat’s milk’s vial and throwing herself out the TARDIS door where she almost fell into the zany Doctor, only just about managing to avoid him.

“What the hell happened there?” she gasped. “I was in you - I was part of you!”

“Really?” he asked. “What was it like? Was it fun?”

“No, no, no ...” Rose said quickly, staggering away from him and backing up against the TARDIS. “You did this! You’ve done something!”

“What?”

“You put me in his …  _ your  _ head!”

“Nope,” he said shortly.

“But you’re tryin’ to stop me. Why would you help me? What are you doin’!?”

The zany Doctor sighed. It sounded like relief. “You worked that out faster than I thought. I gotta admit, Rose, you’re smarter than I thought you were.”

And with that he ripped off his hood to reveal his face. Rose gasped.

“You!” she realised. “You’re the Master!”

The zany Doctor laughed. “Me? No. I’m the Doctor’s Eleventh body. Hello!”

“But you’ve got his face!”

He shrugged. “Search me, how would I know?”

“Get away,” she warned, holding her hands up. “Get away from me. You’ve got him, haven’t you? You’ve got my Doctor!”

Eleven smiled a very evil smile, launching out and grabbing her arms. She tried to pull away but she was suddenly absolutely paralysed, unable to blink as she stared straight into those eyes. 

“Let … go …” she managed to gasp out, transfixed by those bright blue eyes.

“You need to finish finding the objects,” he said calmly. “So I’m sending you to the next memory.”

“What?” she gasped. Her entire body felt like it was made of stone. “Why … Why d’you w-want me to get them?”

“Oh, work it out,” he said disparagingly, and suddenly squeezed his hands. “Good luck, Rose Tyler, you’re going to need it,” was the last thing she heard him say as suddenly there was a massive explosion and she hit the ground, crying out.

“Get in the corner!” someone yelled. By instinct she struggled to her feet, and ended up falling into a crowd of terrified aliens who were bundling into a corner. When the smoke cleared a man stepped forward out of a crowd of soldiers. She didn’t know this face, but she knew it was the Doctor.

He was dressed in elaborate wearing space-age armour like one of those videos games Mickey loved. It was red-plated metal with golden streaks running through it that seemed to glow periodically. The tips of his gloves also seemed to be glowing bright blue, steadily ebbing. on his pauldrons were etched some marks, obviously to denote his rank but she had no idea what that was. He also had a long red robe, printed with what she recognised as the symbol of Rassilon.

He had a quiver of glowing blue arrows on his back and a technical version of a bow alongside them. His face was dirty and his hair messy, and on each hip was a holster, containing two compact, complicated-looking guns. Right now, one was drawn, pointing at her and the crowd of terrified aliens.

“We know one of you is feeding the Daleks information about our movements. We just don't know who. So. Who is it?”

His voice was so calm and business-like it was beyond terrifying. Like he was discussing the weather over some scones and clotted cream. Rose looked, wide-eyed at the aliens around her. They were all absolutely terrified. None of them answered his question.

The Doctor sighed, aimed his gun and shot one of the children within the space of a second. The gun seemed to be something else, as the laser fire hit the child and seemed to envelop them in bright red light. The child barely had time to scream as it collapsed to the floor, dead.

The crowd around her flinched, but nobody moved, paralysed by fear.

“Shall we try again?” the Doctor wondered, just as calmly as before.

The crowd remained utterly silent, terrified.

The Doctor shot again. Another little alien hit the floor, dead.

“I can do this until you’re all dead, I don’t care,” the Doctor said, offering the crowd a smile. “It’ll save time, I’m hungry and dinner’s nearly done.”

Rose stared at him. There was a complete absence of emotion in his eyes. This wasn’t the Doctor she knew. For a brief moment she wondered if it really was him - did she have the wrong person?

No, she decided. This was him. His eyes gave it away.  She knew those eyes. The colour of his eyes had changed with every regeneration but they always looked the same; same basic retina pattern in every regeneration, Brax had told her. Unusually for a Time Lord, the Doctor had his mother’s eyes, and these were his eyes.

“It’s Xenos!” one of the aliens said, shoving another one forward.

“No, no, please!” the alien begged, but the Doctor just rolled his eyes and shot the one called Xenos.

“Thanks,” the Doctor said, holstering his gun. He turned, paused, and after a moment waved his hand over his shoulder. “Kill them all.”

“Doctor!” Rose cried, her heart suddenly pumping so fast her ribs were threatening to break under the strain. “Stop!”

Just as the soldiers were about to fire, the Doctor held up a hand and turned back. He searched the crowd until he saw her, and beckoned her to him.

“You picked a good place to pop up,” he said sarcastically, and gestured again to the soldiers. Almost immediately there was a barrage of gunfire and every single alien in the crowd was cut down within seconds.

Rose stared at the massacre, her jaw agape. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“We can’t risk the Daleks knowing our plans,” he said shortly, and walked out the door. She quickly followed only to find herself caught up in some sort of battle - laser fire was blasting all around them, and circling the skies she could see the tiny, but unmistakable shapes of Daleks whizzing around. It slowly began to unravel in her head. This was it. The cause of so much pain in him. The reason he sometimes woke up in cold sweats, shaking and occasionally crying. 

This was the Time War.

* * *

Much to her relief, he treated her well. They reached their ship and under the Doctor’s command they launched and flew away, before he took her aside and got her some food and drink.

She hadn’t realised how starving she was until it was in front of her. She had no idea how long she’d been bumbling around in the Doctor’s head but it was long enough to suddenly feel so hungry, thirsty and tired when they sat down.

She couldn’t stop thinking about Eleven. No doubt he had her docile Doctor, but where? And why did he have the Master’s face?

Then something occurred to her - something the Master had said.

_ "I'll take you back to the Tardis," the Master said, taking her arm. _

_ "Why are you doin' this?" Rose asked seriously. "Why help me?" _

_ "Because in the future the Doctor will do something so extraordinary for me that I will never be able to repay it. I can't tell you what that is, but not even this repays it." _

The Master had the Doctor’s next body. How had that happened? Had he stolen it? Or… had the Doctor given it to him? Was that what the Doctor did for him? Why would the Doctor give the Master one of his bodies?

Either way, she felt sick. This was probably why Eleven was helping her. If the Doctor regenerated, the Master wouldn’t have a body and the paradox might be unresolvable.

But if Eleven wanted her to collect the objects, should she? Well, she had to, or she wouldn’t get her Doctor back. But just what was Eleven planning? Why was he helping her get the objects?

She’d never wanted the Doctor more than then.  _ Her  _ Doctor, with his big brown hair, skinny frame and brilliant smile. Her heart panged a little at the thought.

“So what are you looking for now?” the Doctor wondered, cutting through her thought trail and sitting opposite her with his own plate of food.

“I dunno,” she confessed. 

“You never seem to know,” he pointed out, smiling slightly. He didn’t seem so bad but she quickly reminded herself of what she’d seen when she’d arrived. This Doctor had massacred a group of innocent people - including women and children - without remorse. He didn’t even seem bothered, happily tucking into his food now.

“Almost saved you,” she said.

“I’m not worth saving,” he told her straight.

“You are,” she insisted. “Things get better. I promise they get better, Doctor.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What?”

“Doctor.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not the Doctor,” he said lowly. “Not anymore. Who I was is gone.”

“He’s not,” Rose insisted. “He’s alive. He’s you.”

“He’s nothing like me.”

Rose dropped her gaze. She wasn’t scared of him, but perhaps a little apprehensive about staying on his good side. “Sorry,” she ended up saying.

He didn’t answer that. He finished his meal in silence, before getting up.

“You can sleep in here,” he told her. “Don’t mind if the ship jolts, we’re probably under attack.”

“Um, thanks?” Rose ventured, but he was already gone.


	11. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapped inside his Time War memories at a crucial part of the conflict, Rose struggles to understand the man her husband used to be.

Despite having eaten all the food, drank all the drink and slept for ten hours, somehow when Rose woke up she still felt tired, hungry and thirsty. She supposed food and rest inside memories didn’t apply to her real body.

Could her real body die if she spent too long in his head?

Trying not to think about it too much she got up, had a wash (yet felt no cleaner), got dressed and walked out into the ship. She found the Doctor in the bridge, sitting in the Commander’s chair. He looked a little like Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek, she couldn’t help but muse.

“Hi,” she said.

He looked at her and smiled. “I forgot how much humans sleep,” he said, offering the seat beside him. “Okay?”

She nodded, spinning in the chair a little. “What are you doing?”

“There’s a Dalek fleet two star systems away, they don't know we're here, " he said. "We're going to take them by surprise."

"Commander," one of the Time Lord soldiers said, snapping a salute as he stepped up. “We’ve fixed coordinates.”

“Engage warp drive. Don’t get too close though, give us some range,” the Doctor said. The Time Lord soldier snapped another salute, turned on his heel and left back to his station. The Doctor looked at her. “Ever been in warp drive before?”

“Don’t think so,” she admitted.

“You’ll want to hold onto something.”

She opened her mouth to respond to that, but not before someone cried, “activate!” and suddenly the world around her spun at what felt like a million miles per hour. She cried out in surprise but her mouth didn’t seem to want to move as the world spun faster and faster, disappearing in a complete blur of colour to pure, bright white ...

A small ‘pop!’ seemed to sound from in her ears, and almost immediately the world came back to complete normality, and someone was kneeling over her. The Doctor.

She struggled to sit up - she had no idea how she’d got on the floor. To her complete annoyance he was laughing, but he helped her sit up all the same.

“Thanks for laughin’!” she cried, pushing her hair out of her face.

“You did well. First-timers usually throw up,” he commented. “Come on.”

She got to her feet with his help, dropping back down into the chair. Now he’d mentioned it, she  _ did  _ feel a little sick, and very dizzy. She swallowed down the sick, struggling not to look like she was about to fall off her chair again.

He watched her carefully throughout. When he was clearly satisfied he called out to an officer sitting at a bank of technology in front of them.

“Ternult, set the polyguns to auto-lock and spread, incase of pods. Kern,” he turned to someone else. “I wanted a complete warp retreat straight after we’re sure the Dalek ship has gone down, then cloak. Keep your eye on me. Grota, can you handle the debris? We’re going to pounce, fire and warp out. All watch for my command.”

He got a series of affirmations back. Rose was a little stunned that she’d managed to understand that - clearly she’d picked a few things up by now. In preparation she gripped the arms of her chair, bracing herself.

“It’s in our sights, Commander ...”

“Now!” the Doctor yelled, throwing out his arm. Immediately the ship bolted forward and Rose desperately clung on, wishing that she had some sort of seatbelt. The Doctor must have read her mind because suddenly he was over her, pressing something on her chair that made her snap into place. 

“Thank you!” she tried to get out but was mostly unsuccessful due to the G-Force. She only let out a whimper instead as the ship suddenly stopped again.

“Fire!” the Doctor shouted.

The ship surged with power, and bright bolts shot out, visible through the large screen. The bolts directly hit a ship in front of them, which exploded on impact, though Rose couldn’t hear the explosion.

“Yes!” several Time Lords and Ladies cried in delight. Rose glanced at the Doctor. He was tense; poised…

“No!” the Doctor shouted suddenly. “Retreat!”

Kern hit the button. Once again they warped, and this time Rose kept her eyes snapped shut for the movement. When they re-established their phase she opened her eyes. Was that it?

“It’s a decoy mirage, Commander!” one of the Time Lords yelled, furiously punching buttons. “It’s a trap, we’re surrounded by six Dalek fleets!”

Without a beat, the Doctor was on his feet. “Tardis power, get out!”

“The Daleks have taken out our time capabilities, Commander!”

“Then take it to the surface! We can’t beat them all in firepower!”

“Yessir!” 

The ship tilted and once again Rose found herself gripping on as the ship bolted through space. She could see the futuristic scanners in front of her - they were one tiny blue dot in a mass of red ones, right on their tail … 

“We’re getting a transmission!” one of the Time Lords shouted as the ship continued to hurtle down to a looming planet.

“Put it through!” the Doctor ordered.

_ “SURRENDER, ONCOMING STORM, SURRENDER OR YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED!”  _ a golden Dalek screeched down a camera, its voice almost deafening Rose.

“Catch us first!” the Doctor shouted back. “Terminate communications!” The Dalek disappeared as the Doctor threw out his arm. “Go to the core and set weapons to explode! Shield to maximum!”

Rose could only sit there, unable to keep track of events as the crew ran around pressing buttons while the Doctor yelled orders. They were now in the planet’s atmosphere, heading down to the ground with no signs of stopping.

“We’re gonna stop, right!?” Rose cried. “Doctor, we’re gonna stop!?”

He ignored her as he hit a button. “Assuming manual control!” he said, grabbing the controls. They continued to hurtle down and down and down as the ground came up to meet them …

Rose screamed and braced herself for impact. But they didn’t impact. The ship went straight through, seemingly completely losing its mass as they flew through molten rocks with expert precision from the Doctor’s handling of the ship. They flew further and further …

“Shield!” the Doctor cried. “Fire!”

The ship shook, Rose closed her eyes anticipating the worst, before suddenly she found herself in complete silence. There was a brief pause.

“They’ve been destroyed!” a Time Lady cried. “All six Dalek fleets!”

There was an uproarious cheer, but for some reason Rose didn’t join in. She could only see debris flying out from their ship, and beyond that the gaping abyss of space. Hadn’t they been inside a planet?

With a sick feeling, she realised what had happened. The Doctor had made the planet explode to take out the Dalek fleets. He’d succeeded, but ...

Her eyes connected with his. He was grinning as everyone patted him and congratulated him. “Like the show?” he asked, beaming.

“... What planet was that?” she asked, feeling a bit numb.

“Hey Zargra, what planet was that?” the Doctor directed at the cheering Time Lady. She quickly checked.

“Prena Minor, Commander,” she informed him. “No allegiance.”

“What’s the population?” Rose asked, tense.

“Why?” the Doctor asked, confused.

“Just curious,” she said, offering a smile.

“Zargra, population?” he asked the Time Lady.

“Seven billion, Commander,” she replied.

Rose’s jaw dropped. Seven billion. Seven billion people had just died - their planet exploded out of existence, and nobody seemed to have noticed.

“Can you get me out of this seat?” Rose asked quickly, looking at the Doctor. He nodded and undid her belt for her. She got up, offered him a smile to act like everything was okay and made a gesture. “Toilet,” she said. He nodded, and turned back to join the celebrations of his comrades.

She left at quite a pace into the corridor, before finding a small, unoccupied room and shutting the door, sitting on a box, shaking. She couldn’t help it. She started to cry. This was a memory of the Doctor’s. Something he’d done. He’d killed seven billion innocent people, yet he wouldn’t mourn them for a while to come. Right now to him they were just collateral. Seven billion people - the population of Earth - gone in a split second.

She understood his pain and suffering then. Why he was so disturbed by the Time War. Why he didn’t want to talk about it. Why he didn’t expect forgiveness. Why it had changed him so dramatically.

There and then she mourned those seven billion people, partly for her, but mostly for him. 

* * *

The days passed, and still Rose was stuck inside his Time War memory. She watched, standing by his side as he blasted his way through the Universe. She had to give it to him, he was an exceptional Commander and definitely earned his rank. He tore through the Dalek fleets so easily, using so much intelligence in his technique. He was exceptionally good at anticipating, reacting, and acting. She could tell already he had an exceptionally high kill count for the Daleks, and that was all that mattered in this War. Not the amount of innocents, but he was probably number one ranking on that too. 

She just wanted to find an object and leave, but she felt guilty at the thought. She was only experiencing this for a short while - her Doctor had to live with this every day of his life. She had only been here for a few days. There were years and years of this, and she knew it only got worse. 

_ “... I'm nothing but a murderer. I'm … I'm nothing but a Dalek.” _

_ “No,” Rose interrupted. “You're not a Dalek.” _

_ “But I am.” _

_ “You're nothing like a Dalek. Maybe for a bit you were, but not now. You're sweet and kind and Earth would be dead a thousand times over if you weren't here. I forgive you.” _

_ “You can't forgive me.” _

_ “I just did,” she said firmly. _

_ “You can't.” _

_ “Okay, I love you, then. Can I do that?” she asked softly. _

_ He didn’t answer that. He just cried. _

Her argument back in the Botanical Gardens now sounded so pathetic to her. Back then she hadn’t in the least bit understood why he had cried. At the time she’d been a bit annoyed he hadn’t seemed to listen to her but now she understood. She hadn’t been  _ able  _ to forgive him. Until now she hadn’t even seen what she was supposed to be forgiving. Was this even forgivable?

She knew this was a different version of him - a version who had renounced being the Doctor for being the Warrior - but those eyes betrayed his renounced identity. It was still him. She could still see her Doctor in him. And that was terrifying. Same man, but this one was a mass murderer, there was no doubt about that.

She got to know his crew and ship, though. All Time Lords and Time Ladies - the Doctor was the commander, Zargra was on navigation, Ternult was the weapons master, Kern was tactical controller, Grota was second pilot and communications and the last, Harka, Rose didn’t see much of as she was Chief Engineer and spent most of her time down in the engine room. They also had lots of other people who kept up the maintenance and repair. The Doctor had explained that they were in a Battle TARDIS, which had assumed the form of a spaceship like in Star Wars at the Doctor’s behest. 

They were just doing a routine fuel stop in a mining belt when Grota got a transmission on communications. 

“It’s the Panopticon,” she said.

“Ugh, what do they what?” the Doctor moaned. “Put it through.”

A small beep, and an important-looking man appeared on screen.

_ “Commander, I’m afraid it may be bad news.” _

“What?”

_ “Outpost Sera has ceased communications. Please proceed to investigate.” _

The Doctor leaned forward, alert. “Yes, sir, I’ll go and have a look.”

_ “Thank you, Commander. I await your good news.” _

The screen switched off.

“Outpost Sera?” Ternult echoed questioningly. “That’s …”

“Jelpax,” the Doctor confirmed. Rose looked at him. He looked back at her, wincing. “Old friend,” he said, and issued the command to get them there.

* * *

The six main officers prepared their weapons. He’d given her a weapon, but she wasn’t planning to use it. She just held it to keep him happy. 

They disembarked ten minutes later onto the surface of a war-ravaged planet, Rose closely following behind the Doctor. There was smoke spiralling into the sky in the distance, but otherwise it seemed calm.

Immediately the Doctor started forward, his bow in hand, leading them straight to a small, metal building half in ruins.

“Jelpax!” he called as they reached the entrance. “It’s me! Theta!”

There was no response.

They all stepped inside, weapons primed and raised in case of stray Daleks. But there was no one. There were some unfinished meals on the table in an eating area, and most of the place was destroyed - burnt with laser fire.

“Jelpax!” the Doctor called again, and again there was no response. 

“It smells like regeneration,” Grota muttered. “Loads of regenerations …”

Rose experimentally sniffed the air. Whatever Grota was getting she wasn’t, but the others agreed with her. All except the Doctor, who had stopped dead, just staring up. Rose followed his gaze, and froze in complete horror.

Hanging from the ceiling by their necks were a line of dead Time Lords and Time Ladies, all stripped of their robes and lashed with fierce, deep, horrific lacerations and huge dark bruises from toe to head. Some had limbs missing. Some had hands and feet missing. Some had their skulls smashed in so hard their brains were coming out. 

She threw up, but the Doctor didn’t notice. He was staring at one of the bodies in particular - a young-looking brown-haired man, covered in blood. “Jelpax,” he muttered.

“They were hung and beaten and hacked away at,” Harka breathed, “through every single regeneration until they had none left.”

“This is … This is sick,” Ternult said, shaking. 

“This wasn’t the Daleks,” Kern said quietly. “This isn’t what Daleks do. Commander?”

Everyone looked at the Doctor, Rose included. He finally stopped staring at Jelpax and gazed at them instead.

He looked like he was about to kill someone.

“Send a message back to the Panopticon,” he said in a voice far too distant to be sane. “Outpost Sera has been eliminated with no survivors but we have secured the area and are dealing with the native threat, who have allied with the Daleks.”

“Yes, Commander,” Grota confirmed, taking out her communications device.

“What are we doing?” Kern croaked.

“This planet is strategically important, we can’t destroy it,” the Doctor explained, checking his weapon. “There’s only one native city here so we eliminate that.”

“Wait, what?” Rose asked quickly.

“Shoot to kill all alien lifeforms,” the Doctor informed her and his group, holding up his pistol to signal he was ready. Outwardly he seemed so calm, but she could see the fire inside him. Ready to kill.

She couldn’t allow this. Not this time.

“You can’t,” she said quickly. “Who said it was the natives? And it wasn’t all of ‘em, was it?”

“Either you’re with me or you aren’t,” he said shortly.

“No, don’t do this,” she almost begged him. “You’d be killin’ loads of innocent -”

“I don’t  _ care!”  _ he screamed in her face, his eyes on fire. “Jelpax is dead!”

“Please, think about this!” she begged him, daring to rest a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t wanna do this, just let them go, just this once …”

Suddenly he rounded on her, pointing his gun straight at her chest. “We’re going to kill all of them, it doesn’t  _ matter  _ what you think! Population 30,000, by the way!”

Rose quickly held her hands up in surrender, though she was still holding her gun in one hand which sort of took away from her surrender. Not that he seemed to notice.

“You’re not like this,” she stressed. “This isn’t you. Please stop. I’m beggin’ you!”

“Who are you to  _ judge  _ me!?” the Doctor screamed, and pulled the trigger.

It came as such a surprise that he’d actually pulled the trigger so quickly that it took a moment for her to register it. Then suddenly she was pulled backwards like being on a bungee, out of that memory which scattered into a million pieces before her as she fell back ...

Then blackness. The blackness of nothing.

_ No,  _ she thought desperately.  _ It can’t end now. I’m nearly done. I’m nearly done! _

The blackness continued. It didn’t care.

_ Please, Doctor, please let me save you! _

Nothing but silence and the feeling of falling - down, down, down.

This was it. It was over.

_ I’m sorry I didn’t make it, Doctor. _


	12. Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being shot by the Time War Doctor and with the Doctor’s mind-state becoming increasingly poorer, Rose is launched into the very worst of the Year That Never Was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode used in this chapter is Last of the Time Lords. The song is "We Can Work It Out" by S Club 7. We luurve S Club 7 ...!

Rose woke up.

She opened her eyes, a little confused, and consequently saw the Doctor in his Tenth body kneeling over her, looking concerned. He almost looked like he was glowing - serene and beautiful. Just like she remembered him. 

“Rose?” he asked.

She checked - she was lying in a nicely-decorated room, on a bed with crisp, fresh sheets. It smelt nice. It was quiet. There was only one conclusion her brain could reach that seemed to make any sense.

“I’m dead, you’re dead,” she croaked at the Doctor, her eyes wet with tears. “Is this the afterlife? It actually exists?”

“You’re not dead,” he said simply. “This isn’t Heaven. Couldn’t be further from it.”

She frowned. “But you’re here … you’re you.”

“You’re in another memory,” he told her.

“But you shot me. I’m dead,” she said, struggling to work it out. It was then she realised she was holding something - the gun the War Doctor had given her, still in her hand. That confirmed it. She was definitely still inside his head. But how had she survived? Unless … “You, the bit that’s helpin’, he must’ve saved me by chuckin’ me in another memory.”

“I’m so sorry I shot you,” the Doctor muttered, barely able to meet her eyes.

“It’s okay,” Rose said, struggling to sit up. He looked like he wanted to help but he was afraid of touching her.

“But I shot you.”

“It’s fine, I forgive you,” she insisted, reaching out for his arm. He gave her that at least, letting her hold onto his elbows as she sat up, blinking rapidly to try and focus the world. “It was the Time War, you were allowed to be grumpy.”

“But I  _ shot  _ you,” the Doctor emphasised.

“You’re forgiven, all right? Now c’mon, I gotta get out of here and find the other you,” she told him. She was sitting upright now, but she didn’t let go of him. She desperately wanted to fling her arms around him and snog him until his respiratory bypass ran out, but had to decide against it. She had no idea who he was or what memory she was in.

“Other me?” the Doctor echoed her words.

“Yeah, y’know, the one I’m tryin’ to fix. I’ve got loads of objects for him,” she said, holding up the gun she was holding in indication. “We’re nearly done.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I’m sorry. You can’t get out.”

Rose lowered her eyebrows, confused. “What? Why? What memory am I in?”

He didn’t answer that, his gaze suddenly dropping from her. She frowned, following his eyes, and realised that his right foot was anchored to a large metal pole plunged into the centre of the room. On impulse she got up and checked out of the window - clouds.

It hit her. Her heart sank.

“This is it, isn’t it?” she muttered, staring at him in horror. “This is the Valiant.”

He nodded silently, just as Rose heard footsteps from outside the door.

“The Master,” the Doctor breathed, looking at her in a panic. 

The mere thought of what the Doctor had told her about the Year That Never Was made Rose’s blood boil. Well, she considered. She had a gun in her hand …

“Hide,” the Doctor said quickly, pointing at one of the cupboards.

“No,” she decided, standing firm. “I’m gonna change this memory for you.”

“Rose,  _ please!”  _ he begged so heartfully she stopped, looking at him.

“Why?”

“Because even if this is my memory … even if it didn't happen ... if he does something to you I'm going to remember it forever.”

Rose swallowed. He was right. That was unfair of her. “God, yeah. Sorry,” she said, and quickly dived into the cupboard on command, shutting the door to just a crack as the Master entered the room.

“Were you talking to yourself?” the Master asked cynically. “First sign of madness, apparently.”

“You’d know,” the Doctor muttered.

The Master laughed. “Funny!” he declared, pulling a truly insane and thoroughly insincere smile.

“What do you want, Koschei?”

“Oh, first name terms are we,  _ Theta?”  _ the Master spat out the name like spitting out mud. “That’s nice. But I prefer it when I call you Snail, and you call me the  _ Master.  _ Get up.”

The Doctor didn’t move, staring hard at the Master.

“I won’t ask again, Snail.”

The Doctor still didn’t move. The Master suddenly grabbed the chain and yanked it so hard the Doctor went flying off of the bed and crashing onto the floor. At the same time something popped and the Doctor cried out in pain.

“Whoops, sorry, dislocated your leg,” the Master said insincerely. “My bad. Does it hurt?”

Rose couldn’t see the Doctor through the Master, but she could hear him whimpering. The urge to run out and attack the Master was almost overwhelming, but she forced herself to stay still and just watch.

“I’m bored, shall we play a game?” the Master asked, pulling up a chair, sitting over the Doctor struggling on the floor. “I’ve got some cards. How about High Card? You know that one?”

The Doctor didn’t answer, just breathing heavily. She could see him now, on the floor with his leg at an awkward angle. He was clearly in  _ exceptional  _ pain.

“No? Well, it’s easy. Whoever draws the highest wins. And let’s raise the stakes a little, shall we?” the Master mused, tapping his chin. “If you win, I’ll leave you alone today and go pay Francine a visit. If I win, I get to spend all day with you. Sound fair?”

Again the Doctor didn’t reply.

“Fair!?” the Master reiterated, grabbed the chain attached to the Doctor’s dislocated leg and yanking hard. The Doctor screamed in pain.

“Yes, yes, fair!” he gasped out.

“Okay. I’ll go first.” The Master cut the deck of cards, and produced the four of clubs. “Oh, that’s not good, Francine here we come,” he said, and held out the deck to the Doctor. “Your turn.”

Begrudgingly, the Doctor cut the deck. From this angle Rose could see his card clearly, though it was hidden from the Master. The Queen of Hearts. He’d won. But that meant Francine…

Rose shuddered to think of it. And because of that, she knew why the Doctor did what he did next.

“... Three of spades,” he lied.

The Master raised an eyebrow. “Did you just lie to me?”

Rose watched as the Doctor abruptly threw the cards into the air. They scattered, making it impossible for the Master to know what card he’d drawn. “Guess you’ll never know,” the Doctor said facetiously.

The Master sighed heavily. “You don’t play fair, Theta,” he whined insincerely and stood up, towering over the other Time Lord. “Clearly we’ve got some trust issues we need to work on. You need to start taking orders from me. Stand up.”

Again, the Doctor didn’t move. The Master pulled hard on the chain again, and once more the Doctor shrieked in pain. He got to his feet as commanded, using the bed for help. His leg was still at an incredibly awkward angle and the pain on his face Rose could almost feel in her heart.

“I just want to be your friend, Theta,” the Master said pathetically. “Please, can we be friends again?”

“Just get on with it,” the Doctor grated, his brow furrowed with pain. 

“Well, okay then,” the Master said, and pulled out a remote. “I think track 82,” he mused, and tapped the remote. Immediately music started over some sort of PA system. A pop track - S Club 7, Rose recognised.

_ “Whoa, whoa! La la la la la la la la! Tell me why you look fed up? Two heads are better than the one! Tell me why you look so sad? Surely things can't be so bad!” _

As the track played, the Master opened the door and several guards came in. He pointed at the Doctor, and they immediately went to the Time Lord who was already leaning precariously against the wooden bedpost. One grabbed his neck as the other pulled out what looked like a taser. Then it began.

_ “Don't you worry 'bout a thing, cause me and you, we can solve anything!” _

“We can solve anything!” the Master sang with the track, dancing in the corner. “Sing along if you know it!” 

_ “Don't you feel you're all alone! Cause that's not true...” _

“That’s what friends are for!” the Master sang. He barely flinched at what was happening in front of him, just standing there with his fingers in the air and his eyes closed, bopping from side to side.

Rose couldn’t watch the images accompanying the sickening sounds of the man she loved breaking.

_ “Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can work it out now baby! Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can work it, we can work it… Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can work it out now baby! Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can work it on -” _

The world flashed, and suddenly all was quiet. Rose nearly fell out of the cupboard in shock, but managed to catch herself. She peeked out through the crack, looking warily for the Master. He didn’t seem to be around. Had she jumped memories?

She edged open the door slightly. No, the Master was definitely not here. She breathed a sigh of relief and moved out into the room, desperate to find the Doctor.

There was an old man kneeling on the floor. He had the Doctor’s suit on. He looked up when he heard her, and immediately he groaned.

“I thought you got out,” he croaked.

Rose frowned, dropping to her knees to be at his level. Why was an old man in the Doctor’s suit? Unless …

Oh no.

There were those eyes she knew him by so well. Deep, brown eyes. Despite his aged physical form they were shining with youth; bright, wide and beautiful.

“Oh my god,” she whispered. The Doctor had told her about this, but to see it for real made her want to cry. “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly the world flashed again and something hit the floor - a body. She looked down to see the Doctor lying there, youthed again and covered in blood. The chain was still around his foot and he was unconscious. 

“Oh god,” Rose moaned, attempting to dab the blood away from his eyes. It seemed to be coming from everywhere. He clearly had broken bones and dislocations, with cuts and bruises all over him. This was torture in the extreme.

He suddenly opened his eyes, looking up at her under bruised eyelids. “Rose,” he gasped.

“Stay still,” Rose said quickly as she struggled not to cry, pulling her hand away. “It’s gonna be okay.”

"... I can't feel my legs."

Rose frowned, looking down at his legs strewn out across the floor. They were broken, but definitely there. She was about to run her finger down them, but she stopped herself. She didn’t want to touch him. Psychologically it was worrying. He probably hadn’t had a kind hand laid on him for a long time. He might be scared of her touching him.

“I don’t want to regenerate,” he gasped. “Not for him.”

“You don’t, I swear,” Rose said quietly. “You don’t regenerate for him.”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he whined, his eyes filled with tears.

“You can and you do,” Rose told him. “It gets better, I promise.”

He suddenly laughed, though it was more of a sharp ejection of breath. 

“What?” she asked, wide-eyed.

“You told me that when I was a kid,” he said. “I’m still waiting.”

She barely laughed at that, just kneeling next to him gazing at his bruised and bloody face. “Can I touch you?” she suddenly asked.

“What?”

“Are you okay with me touchin’ you?”

He looked up at her. There was a long pause. “... Okay,” he finally croaked.

“Just say if you don’t want me to, it’s okay,” Rose told him patiently.

“No… I trust you,” he muttered.

“Just say and I’ll stop,” Rose said. She repositioned herself slightly, and reached slowly and deliberately up to his face. He tensed slightly, but didn’t say anything as she placed her hand on his cheek. Her palm almost immediately turned red with his blood, but she ignored it.

She wanted to kiss him, but resisted the urge. Instead, she carefully held him in a half hug, determined to make him feel cocooned and safe in her arms. He flinched a little, but didn’t tell her to stop. He felt so cold, and she could feel him trembling, too.

“I love you, don’t forget that,” she said quietly. She closed her eyes, just feeling his dual heartbeats against her chest. Her single heart seemed to sync with his two in a steady rhythm, before it faded away.

She opened her eyes. He had vanished.

The memories were collapsing as quickly as they were happening. She had to find him and get the object before this memory exhausted itself. She got up and ran out of the open door, following voices until she got to the ship’s bridge. His voice was coming from it she realised and she crept through the door, watching, astounded as the Doctor appeared to blue consumed with blue and purple light. In the room was Jack, Martha, Martha’s mother and a crowd of other people, all staring at the Doctor in shock.

_ “I've had a whole year to tune myself into the psychic network and integrate with its matrices,”  _ he uttered in a weird, echoing voice, standing up as the light continued to emanate from him.

“I order you to stop!” the Master cried.

All around her, people were uttering the same word. Over and over. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. So she closed her eyes too, and joined them.

“Doctor,” she whispered.

_ “The one thing you can't do is stop them thinking,” _ he said, as his youthful form took over that elderly, helpless man. Jack and Martha both laughed in delight. The Master just stared, confused as the Doctor began to rise, consumed with light.

_ “Tell me the human race is degenerate now, when they can do this!” _ the Doctor cried. 

“No!” the Master suddenly cried, firing his laser screwdriver at the Doctor, but the light was a shield - absorbing the shots.

_ “I'm sorry,” _ the Doctor said firmly.  _ “I'm so sorry.” _

The Master gave up, but quickly readjusted his screwdriver and pointed it at the lingering crowd. “Then I’ll kill  _ them _ !”

The Doctor raised his hand and immediately the laser screwdriver flew out of the Master’s grip to the floor. Rose darted forward to scoop it up immediately, clutching it to her chest. She’d die before he got it back.

The Master looked back at the Doctor, wide-eyed. “You can’t do this!” he yelled. “You can't do it! It's not  _ fair!!!” _

_ “And you know what happens now.” _

“No! No!” the Master cried, stumbling backwards down the steps away from the Doctor’s advancing glowing form. “No! No!”

_ “You wouldn't listen,” _ the Doctor continued, still floating forwards.

“No!” the Master shouted again, dropping to the floor.

_ “Because you know what I'm going to say,” _ the Doctor continued still heading straight towards him.

“No!” The Master began to claw at the wall behind him - no way out. He curled up as the light consuming the Doctor dissipated into nothing. The Doctor simply walked to his foe, dropped to his knee and wrapped his arms around him.

“I forgive you,” he whispered.

The Master suddenly looked up. “My children!”

The Doctor let go of him, jumping to his feet with renewed vigour. “Captain! The Paradox Machine!”

Rose looked at Jack, who gestured to some soldiers. “You men, with me! You stay here!” he ordered, and together they ran off. But Rose had spotted the Master, reaching for something …

“Doctor!” she cried, running to the Master. He followed her, where the Master was holding Jack’s manipulator.

“No!” the Doctor cried, and grabbed it with him, as did Rose. 

A jolt later and Rose was on a rocky ground, rolling to her feet next to the Doctor. He threw out a hand, protecting her as they looked to the Master. He was standing on the cliff edge, his arms raised in front of hundreds of giant missiles.

“We've got control of the Valiant. You can't launch!” the Doctor cried.

“Oh, but I’ve got this!” the Master said, pulling something from his wrist and holding it up. “Black hole converter inside every ship. If I can't have this world, Doctor, then  _ neither  _ can you. We shall stand upon this Earth together, as it  _ burns _ .”

“Weapon after weapon after weapon,” the Doctor said calmly, stepping forward. “All you do is talk and talk and talk. But over all these years and all these disasters, I've always had the greatest secret of them all. I  _ know  _ you. Explode those ships, you kill yourself. That's the one thing you can never do.” The Doctor held out his hand. “Give that to me.”

Slowly, the Master handed it over, before suddenly the ground began to shake. The Doctor dived for the vortex manipulator and they both ended up falling over, Rose too as she staggered towards the Doctor.

“Rose, grab me!” the Doctor shouted as he won the manipulator from the Master. Rose threw herself towards him and managed to grab an ankle just before he hit the button. There was another flash as she abruptly fell through from the memory into the next one with a harsh bodily jolt. She opened her eyes to find she was standing in the Valiant on the stairs behind the Doctor. It was quiet, except for his voice. Talking.

“You're my responsibility from now on,” the Doctor said, his voice swimming into hearing focus. She looked up. He was facing the Master, who was being held at gunpoint by Jack with his hands cuffed behind his back. “The only Time Lord left in existence.”

“Yeah, but you can't trust him,” Jack said quickly, moving to the Doctor.

“No,” the Doctor acknowledged. “The only safe place for him is the Tardis.”

“You mean you're just going to ... keep me?” the Master asked, looking disgusted.

“Mmm,” the Doctor acknowledged again. “If that's what I have to do. It's time to change. Maybe I've been wandering for too long. Now I've got someone to care for.”

_ BANG! _

The gunshot made Rose jump in alarm, and the rest of the company too. It took her a few moments to work out what had happened, but it quickly became apparent as the Doctor darted forward to catch the Master’s body that the blonde woman had just shot him.

“There you go. I've got you. I've got you,” the Doctor said quickly, holding the Master in his arms.

“Always the women,” the Master gasped.

“I didn't see her.”

“Dying in your arms. Happy now?” the Master croaked.

“You're not dying. Don't be stupid. It's only a bullet. Just regenerate.”

“No,” the Master muttered.

“One little bullet. Come on!” the Doctor urged.

“I guess you don't know me so well. I refuse,” the Master breathed, managing a small smile.

“Regenerate. Just regenerate! Please. Please!” he was begging now, absolutely desperate. “Just regenerate. Come on!”

“And spend the rest of my life ... imprisoned ... with  _ you?” _

The Doctor was starting to cry, and Rose understood why.

“You've got to. Come on. It can't end like this,” the Doctor mumbled, barely able to get his words out as tears began to roll down his cheeks. “You and me, all the things we've done. Axons. Remember the Axons? And the Daleks …”

The Master just gazed at him.

“We're the only two left. There's no one else. Regenerate!” he screamed, but the Master just smiled.

“How about that,” he breathed. “I win.” He grunted as pain flashed through him and his eyes began to widen ... “Will it stop, Doctor? The drumming. Will it stop?”

The Master’s eyes slipped closed.

The Doctor held the Master’s head against him, shaking, crying. Pure, raw grief streamed out of the broken Time Lord as he screamed in pain, anger, and frustration, rocking him back and forth as the others only watched in pure silence.

No, Rose decided. She wasn’t going to stand here and watch this. She slowly moved towards him, dropping to kneel down beside the Master’s body. The Doctor looked up at her. His eyes were so red and puffy, tears streaming down his cheeks.

She reached up, and ran a thumb under his eye to catch a falling tear.

_ Flash. _

The memory jumped, and suddenly the Doctor was lighting the funeral pyre in front of her. For a long while they just stood there in the night air side by side, staring at the sight before them. She eventually took his hand, prompting him to look at her.

“You’re not alone,” she said.

“Then why does it feel like that?” the Doctor croaked. 

“You’re not alone because you’ve got me,” she told him firmly. “I’ve been through loads of your memories, all the important ones. I watched your mum sing you to sleep, I was with you in the hospital after the prank. I followed you through the Time War and I held you when you were bleedin’ in my arms. I’m here, okay? And I’m nearly done savin’ you. Like it or not I’m part of your memories now.”

He suddenly laughed. She felt so happy to hear it. “Rose Tyler, you’re my guardian angel, aren’t you?”

She beamed. “Yeah, completely. And you’re mine. Let’s get wings.”

He laughed again. She turned to hug him. They remained for a few moments before they parted.

“Did you get your object?” he asked.

She nodded and held up the laser screwdriver. “Mercy, I’ve decided. You forgave him. Only you could forgive that.”

“How many parts do you have left?”

“Two,” she told him. “I think the next one might be love. I haven’t done that yet.”

He grinned slightly. “Would I like that one?”

“You’d love it.”

He groaned at the pun. Rose laughed and held him again, kissing him.

“Love you,” she said as the world began to dissipate from around them. She didn’t hear his reply as he faded away into nothing.

_ Love.  _ She thought, trying to project it outwards.  _ Show me you love, Doctor. _

As if nodding, the blackness around her bulged, but it didn’t seem to do anything. It was struggling.  _ He  _ was struggling. She knew it was him, holding her in his mind. She could feel him, through every pore of herself. He was weakening, she knew that, but she needed him now more than ever.

_ You can do it. Just a little more strength. Come on. _

Something got hold of her foot. She didn’t panic - letting it take her through the void and towards a bright, shining light in the distance.

She felt so calm as she passed through. 


	13. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Doctor mentally exhausted and his mind collapsing around her, Rose realises to get his love they need to make their own memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extract is from Mother's Nature, the fourth in this series :)

Rose opened her eyes, and found herself in a cold, dark room. The Doctor was sitting in the corner, staring at her. There he was, brown hair and sideburns all present. He looked exhausted.

“Hey,” he said, offering a weak smile.

She moved to him, feeling compelled to reach up to his cheek and cup it with her hand, running her thumb over his bottom lip. Then she pressed her other hand to his chest, feeling the thud of both of his hearts as she moved her hand from left to right. He let her do it, remaining perfectly still.

“Is this really you?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly.

He nodded. 

“You saved me with the werewolf, in the Time War …”

He nodded again. “Wasn’t gonna leave you, was I?”

She smiled at that, letting her hands drop from his face and chest. She then looked at their cell-like surroundings. “Why am I here?”

“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t get enough energy to get you into the next memory.”

“Come on,” she prompted. “It’s just a little bit longer. Two more.”

“I’m so tired,” he moaned.

“It’s just two more then we’re done and you can wake up,” Rose insisted. “Come on.”

“Can’t,” he choked out.

Rose thought about that for a moment. “Okay,” she said, straightening up. “If you can't get me to a memory, we’ll make our own one.”

“What?”

She grinned. “D’you remember that time we were on Gallifrey together?”

He got what she was doing immediately. “Yeah,” he confirmed. “We were by the River Lethe.”

Almost immediately their surroundings changed. Suddenly they were next to a bubbling, beautiful river, and in the distance were two huge snow-capped mountains, shining in the rising suns. Below them were a throng of silver-leafed trees - the way the light caught them it was as though the forest were on fire. It was all set under a burnt orange sky - a picture perfect alien landscape.

“Leah, Alex, and Kiana were there too,” Rose added.

Then suddenly there they were. Their little four-year-old girl, Leah, with her long wavy brown hair and big blue eyes sitting crossed-legged beside her father. Alex, their one-year-old boy with messy brown hair and blue eyes appeared in front of Rose, and Kiana, their adopted baby girl, appeared in Rose’s arms.

“We’ve had a picnic,” the Doctor continued. 

“Yeah, you’re by the river with Leah, and me, Kiana and Alex are sitting on the blanket.”

In a poof, Rose found herself suddenly on a blanket next to the two youngest, and the Doctor was standing by the river with Leah.

“Everything’s so quiet and serene, and nothing is gonna get us here,” Rose added.

“And we’ve got all day.”

“All day,” Rose confirmed.

“No, daddy!” Leah wailed, clinging desperately onto his arm. “Don’t wanna!”

“Oh, come on,” the Doctor protested, dropping to his haunches beside her. “All you have to do is cross the bridge.”

“But it’s old and rotting and I don’t like it,” she moaned, absolutely frozen to the spot.

“It’s not old, it’s  _ tested,”  _ the Doctor emphasised happily. “Besides, you know the rule…”

“If I don’t cross the bridge I don’t get to be a Time Lady,” she drawled as if she’d already said it a million times before.

“I crossed this bridge when I was little,” the Doctor declared. “It didn’t break then.”

“But that was like … f’rever ago!” Leah insisted.

“No bridge, no Time Lady,” the Doctor pressured, grinning slightly.

She sighed. “Okay. But don’t think I’m happy ‘bout it, mmkay?”

He laughed. “No, ma’am. Come on, then.”

She steeled herself, her little foot reaching forward to advance. Her eyes were screwed up tightly, her face creased …

She took the first step. She squealed a little and clung onto the post, but although the wooden boards creaked a little they didn’t split.

“Daddy!” she wailed again, reaching out a hand to him. He obediently held it.

“Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged her gently.

“Okay,” she said, her voice barely registering. She took another step. And another. She let go of her father’s hand, and took another. Another.

The Doctor watched, bursting of pride. It was perfectly safe - the bridge was actually just made to look old and there was a forcefield around it so she couldn’t fall in, so he just enjoyed the show. He remembered doing this when he was younger - the Time Academy initiation ritual for the new intake every year else they couldn’t be Time Lords - or so his brother had said - which of course had turned out to be a lie. But back then the bridge hadn’t been protected. He’d fallen in and been swept a hundred miles at rapid speed back to Lungbarrow before Braxiatel had caught up and managed to fish him out with a harpoon. But he wasn’t about to tell her that.

She built up a faster pace, crossing the bridge over the torrents of water with increasing speed. Within thirty seconds she was on the other side, jumping down onto the river bank dry as a bone. She turned and beamed at her parents.

“Daddy, Mummy, I did it!” she cried.

“Well done!” Rose enthused, clapping along with the Doctor. Then he waited, watching his daughter expectantly as she realised …

“Daddy, I don’t have to walk back, do I?” she asked. The terror in her voice was extremely poignant. He resisted the urge to laugh.

“Nah, I’ll come and get you,” he said, stepping onto the bridge. He knew he’d be perfectly safe bounding across it in leaps but he made a big show of it for Leah’s sake, taking tiny baby steps. He eventually reached the other side and scooped her up in both arms.

“I did it faster than you,” she commented.

“Are you kidding? Of course you did. That’s terrifying!” he responded. “Now, hold your breath.”

“What? Why?”

“Because even Time Ladies can’t breathe underwater.”

She stared at him with those big eyes. “We’re not gonna fall in, are we?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“Maybe!”

She squeaked and scrambled to get out of his arms. “You’re rubbish, I’m going on my own!”

He obediently let go of her and she started back immediately at an even quicker pace than before. He shot Rose a wink, who just rolled her eyes and returned to plating their lunch.

* * *

They had an assortment of finger food - pineapple and cheese canapés, sausage rolls, sandwiches, Wotsits, cocktail sausages, crisps, Scotch eggs - until they were finally filled. Leah dragged her little brother Alex off to play, and Kiana fell asleep in the carrier, leaving the Doctor and Rose lying together on the picnic blankets as the skies began to darken.

“We should do more picnics,” Rose mused. “Why don’t we do more?”

“Because you always drag me to Tesco to buy sausage rolls and then only eat two,” he said, pointedly taking one from the small mountain on a plate and eating it.

Rose giggled. “Yeah, sorry. Domestics, yeah?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” the Doctor said seriously once he’d managed to swallow the sausage roll. “I’m so domestic I’ve gone straight into an Enid Blyton book.”

She giggled again, rolling to prop herself up on an elbow, gazing at him. 

He caught her look. “What?” he asked, shoving in another sausage roll and swallowing it almost in one go.

“Nothin’, just thinkin’,” she said.

“Don’t strain yourself,” he joked. “About what?”

“About my purple dog.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You feeling okay?”

She ignored him. “When I was four, mum got me this paintin’ by numbers thing. She got out the paints and we painted this dog together in brown and black. She went out for a second, and I thought… I didn’t want a brown dog. A brown dog was really borin’ and normal. I wanted a purple dog. So I started paintin’ it purple. Though it turned orange cos of the brown paint but that was okay, it was still weird enough.”

“Is this going anywhere …?”

She ignored him again. “But then I accidentally spilt all the purple paint over the picture and the floor and it got ruined. Mum came back in and blew up of course, she said somethin’ like, ‘you painted a lovely dog and now you’ve ruined it’ and I said I just wanted it to be purple. She said, ‘why d’you want a purple dog? They don’t exist’ and sent me to my room with no dinner.”

He stared at her. “Is this a story to make me get you a real purple dog?” he asked seriously.

She laughed. “No, but I think I know why I wanted a purple dog now. I didn’t wanna be normal and boring. I wanted somethin’ a bit crazy and different … Somethin’ that didn’t exist.”

“But purple dogs  _ do  _ exist,” the Doctor insisted. 

“And so do aliens.”

He got it immediately. “Right. So ... I’m your purple dog.” 

She beamed. “Exactly.”

“What exactly is in those sausage rolls?” he asked seriously, staring at the half-eaten roll in his hand. She laughed and hugged him.

“I know I say it enough already but I love you,” she told him.

“Quite right too,” he said, hugging her in return. “Same back at you.”

“Can I ask you somethin’?” she asked as she pulled back.

“What?”

“Why don’t you tell me you love me?”

“Didn’t I just do that?”

“I mean, the actual words, ‘I love you’,” Rose emphasised. “You just don’t say them a lot.”

He paused for a moment, then held up his left hand. There was his wedding ring. “Close your eyes,” he said, and she did.

* * *

_ “Rose Tyler … like we’ve already established ... I just … I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to vow that’s really worth anything ... I mean, worth anything real to you or me. I could say something about God, or building a home, or richer and poorer and all that, but we don’t believe in any gods, our home was grown in all senses of the word, not built, and money never made much sense to me. So it’s all pretty meaningless to us. You know that declarations of love never really come easily to me. When I was in the Prydon Academy I wrote a treatise on the chromosomal origins of romantic love, proving that every part of the experience is explained and predicted by chemicals and genetics. My tutor told me I missed the point and gave me a bad grade.” _

_ The crowd laughed. He hadn’t intended that to be funny. _

_ “I mean, I’m not romantic. I’m not very good at being responsible. I’m not very good at trying to give you a peaceful day with no potential life or death threat. And I can’t really vow I’ll do those things because I can’t exactly guarantee it. So I guess, what I vow is that I will always … be your cheese. Be your Shake. You know what I mean. And I like what you said about the heart-body-soul-mind, that sounded great, so I’ll vow that too. _

_ “Maybe I'm not exactly what you envisioned as being your ideal husband when you were a kid. I'm tall, lanky, and I'm an alien. I’m also a massive problem for you, I know. I have a lot of, er, baggage, as you say. When we first met, I hid myself from you a lot. I just wanted you to smile and stay with me. But since then I’ve been able to give myself to you, bit by bit. You know me, you know my head, you know my feelings, and I’ve never felt comfortable enough to do that with anyone else. Whatever we went through, whether I've been crying rivers, screaming with anger, lying sick in bed, or pouring out my soul to you – kind of like I am now – you never judged me, you never got annoyed with me. And that, Rose Tyler, is just a fraction of things I love about you. If I was to go through every single reason that I love you in all the detail it deserves, we'd all still be here next week. So I'm not going to. _

_ “That’s about it, really. Never stop smiling, please, because then I’ll never stop smiling. Thank you for putting up with me. I know it’s been tough. Hopefully in the future I’ll get easier. Or the past. Whichever one we fancy.” _

* * *

_ “This is from Mummy's diary when she was seven,” Leah began to the crowd, and Rose's face dropped like a stone ... “I saw on Eastenders today this thing Mummy called a wedding. Mummy says when I grow up I'm gonna have a really big wedding with lots of flowers and stuff. She said the bigger the ring the better the boy. She said to marry a doctor or something because they're rich and have big houses. I don't like boys, they're smelly. I'll get married so I can wear a pretty dress then I'll divorce like Ross on Friends then live on my own in a big house with a dog called Bradley.” _

* * *

_ “Getting married is a pretty big thing, Doctor.” _

_ “Is it?” the Doctor wondered, finishing the last of the canapés and starting on the peanuts. “A wedding doesn't really mean anything.” _

_ “Well, maybe not to your alien self,” Jack replied. “If you don't believe in it why did you do this?” _

_ “I did it for Rose,” the Doctor answered simply. “She said she didn't mind not getting married, but I was reading her diaries and there's so much in there about growing up to have a dream wedding. All the way from the part Leah read to her being sixteen. I just wanted to give that to her because it means so much to her. And don't change the subject.” _

_ Jack sighed. “Well, I ... I'm immortal ... he's not.” _

_ “And that worries you? I'm certainly going to outlive Rose unless I get hit by a bus four times in seventy years. And you know what her dying will do to me through the bond.” _

_ Jack regarded him for a moment. “You love her a lot. I mean, I already know you do but ... To just know that at the end you're gonna go insane and your brain is gonna fall to pieces but still doing it.” _

_ “That's what makes this easy. I just know I want to be with her and share my life with her for as long as I can. If I go insane at the end, then that's an unfortunate side effect but there's nothing I can do about it. I've got no regrets.” _

* * *

She looked up at him after the memories faded away. “That last memory I wasn’t there for. Thank you.”

He smiled briefly at her. “I don’t say I love you because … well ... does it need saying?”

She thought about that. “No. No, it doesn’t. But I figured you never said it was cos you’re scared of anyone gettin’ close to you ... In case you lose ‘em.”

“It used to be,” he admitted. “But not anymore. Because I’m not losing you. So if it makes you feel any better, I love you. Okay?”

She smiled. “Yeah. Quite right too.”

He rolled his eyes and kissed her. When they pulled back Rose took his ring finger and pulled off his wedding ring. 

“Got my object,” she realised.

“Guess you have,” he said.

“Can you get me to the last memory?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Where are you going?”

Before she could begin to even form a reply  suddenly there was a loud crash of thunder. The Doctor and Rose looked up in alarm to see the clouds above them were jet black. There was the high-pitched scream of a little girl - Leah, running back to them holding Alex’s hand.

“Daddy! Mummy!” she cried. “There’s a Dalek!”

“No, no, god no,” Rose muttered in horror before jumping to her feet and grabbing the kids. As he reached them she saw the unmistakable form of a Dalek in the sky … No, it wasn’t just one, it was  _ hundreds.  _ Then the fire and explosions began as their nice little family memory abruptly turned into one from the Time War.

“Oh my god,” Rose released. “It’s Eleven, he’s got in here, he’s messing with the memory!” 

“I can’t fight him,” the Doctor garbled out. “Not yet. We need the last piece.”

“Get me out, put me anywhere and just  _ hide!” _

He nodded, grabbing her arms tightly. “Brace yourself!” he warned.

“Just do it!”

Before he could start, suddenly he vanished from in front of her with a strangled cry. She blinked, startled, looking around to see him sprawled out on the floor to her left, and Eleven was running towards her.

She launched herself to her Doctor, throwing herself over his body to protect him just as Eleven got to her.

He held up his hand threateningly. “Let me kill him, Rose!”

“No!” she cried. “Just give it up, cos I’m not lettin’ you kill him!”

He fumed. She half-expected to die on the spot but he didn’t attack. He dropped his hand, but was still fuming. He opened his mouth to say something, but Rose didn’t hear him. Then the world began to merge and blur into a mess of colours ...

She knew this. The Master was pulling her out.

“No!” she cried desperately. “Don’t you dare, don’t you  _ dare!!!” _

The Doctor’s mind faded away, leaving her Doctor at the mercies of Eleven.


	14. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose returns to the ravaged Doctor’s head to secure the final piece - hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode used is Journey's End.

Rose gasped, opened her eyes and found herself back in the dreary room with the Master.

“No, what are you doin’!?” Rose cried, panicked. “I need to go back!”

“People are coming,” the Master said quickly. “I think it’s Brax, Jack, and the others.”

“So what!? Tell them I’m busy!”

“Because it’s going to look great when you’re both unconscious, covered in blood and I’m standing over you. I’ll just explain that then, shall I?” he asked somewhat facetiously.

Rose huffed. “Fine, but be  _ bloody  _ quick!”

Hurriedly they both grabbed the Doctor between them, carrying him awkwardly up the stairs, through a door, down a corridor and out of a front door. Definitely Earth, Rose fathomed. But she didn’t have much time to think about it as they carried him down the drive to a small parked car. She didn’t even have time to think about why the Master had a car as they opened the door and Rose clambered inside, receiving the Doctor in her lap to hold onto. His limbs were so long and gangly, but somehow they managed to fold him into the small space before the Master darted to the other side of the car and got inside.

“C’mon,” Rose urged. “When I left Eleven was gonna kill him!”

“He won’t kill him,” the Master assured her, pulling away. “Not while you’re not there.”

“He  _ wants  _ me to get the objects,” Rose said as the car pulled out of the driveway onto the road. “So he needs me to get them, he can’t get out without them can he?”

“No,” the Master said. “I think he needs you to get the objects to the empty Doctor, then he’ll kill him just before you get the last one. I’m guessing the last one’s expendable.”

“Why? What is it?”

“No idea,” the Master confessed. “But if the empty Doctor gets filled he’ll be able to overpower Eleven. If he’s one short he won’t. And when Eleven takes control, he’ll be using the filled Doctor for himself. So as long as he gets most parts and still be more powerful he’ll take out your Doctor. And you. You’re expendable too as soon as you’ve handed over the objects.”

“My own husband is gonna kill me,” Rose croaked.

“Yes, sorry,” he said. “But not if you get the last object to the empty Doctor faster than Eleven can kill him.”

“But what if I don’t?”

“You will.”

“But what if I don’t?” she repeated.

“Then everyone is history,” the Master summed up. “That’s going to cause a paradox that just might obliterate the entire universe. Time’s already fragile around you two and this would just about finish you off.”

“What the hell does that mean? And one thing you’ve never explained,  _ why  _ do you look like Eleven? You’ve got his face ...”

The Master sighed. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the universe-ending paradox …?” he suggested vaguely. 

“This doesn’t make sense, none of it makes sense!” Rose splurted out. “Did you steal the Doctor’s next body? Is that what you did!?”

The Master suddenly hit the brakes, nearly sending her and the Doctor headlong through the windshield. “Look,” he began, suddenly very angry. “I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but believe it or not there are some things that you just won’t understand for a while because guess what? You’re at the centre of a catastrophically huge paradox right now and explaining it all to your little human mind just isn’t something we have time for!”

“Why are you helpin’ us?” she asked firmly.

“Work it out,” the Master grunted, starting up the car again.

“You’ve got his next body. You’ve been helpin’ me so he stays in the same body. He must… he’s gotta give you his next body! He did, didn’t he? That’s why you need him to survive!”

“Give the blonde a trophy,” the Master drawled.

“I thought you were different. I thought you’d changed, when really you were just out for yourself. You want the Doctor to live so he can give you his next body ...”

“Sorry to disappoint,” the Master said vaguely. “I thought, ‘pretend to be nice to the blonde, she might just do what you say!’ but nope. Difficult humans, always wanting to know how, what, when, why. Like it or not I’m the only one that can save the Doctor so you just have to do what I say and shut that gob for once.”

Rose fumed, but she knew he was right. She couldn’t get back in the Doctor’s head without him, and he knew that. Before she could start to form a reply suddenly she felt the Doctor move in her arms. She looked down, alarmed, and realised he was shaking.

“He’s shakin’,” Rose said quickly. “Master, he’s shakin’.”

The Master nodded, pulled into a sideroad and leaned over. “He’s in trouble. You need to get back in.” 

“Do it,” Rose said quickly, placing her fingers on the Doctor’s temples. “Ready.”

The Master paused, gazing at her. 

“What are you waitin’ for?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he muttered, before reaching forward and plunged her straight back into the Doctor’s head.

Rose found herself standing in some kind of no place. There was nothing but whiteness all around, except a figure she could see lying just a few metres in front of her. It was her Doctor.

She ran forward immediately, pulling him into her lap. Almost immediately he moaned, flickering open his eyes to look up at her. “Rose,” he whispered.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. It’s gonna be over soon.”

“Rose!” a voice cried from afar and she looked up to see her empty Doctor running towards her. She waved him over, putting the Doctor down to stand up.

“I’ve got the objects,” she said, handing over the sonic screwdriver, the wire, the Gallifreyan peacock collar, the empty bat’s milk phial, the gun, the Master’s laser screwdriver and finally his wedding ring. As he took each one he absorbed each one as in front of her his face changed, slowly but surely back to her Doctor.

“There’s just hope left,” she told him.

“Ever seen a battle won without hope?” suddenly said a voice and they looked to see Eleven standing there over the Doctor’s helpless body.

Rose stepped in front of the vessel Doctor. “Don’t you dare!”

He grinned. “By the way, Rose Tyler, I don’t need you anymore. You’ve got what I wanted.”

“The bond mean nothin’ to you?” Rose snapped.

“Nope, sorry,” Eleven said, and raised his hand. But he wasn’t holding a weapon - he was pointing behind them. “By the way, look behind you.”

Rose made to turn, but the vessel Doctor quickly grabbed her. “No. Don’t. Don’t turn around!”

She stopped immediately. “What’s behind us?” she croaked, a little more than terrified at his demeanour.

“Everything.”

“They’re getting closer…” Eleven teased, looking over their shoulders with a wide, horrible smile.

Rose paused, thinking about that. “No. Wait. Why can’t we look back?”

“I don’t look back,” the vessel Doctor croaked. “I never look back.”

* * *

_ “And the prophecy unfolds,” Davros croaked. _

_ “The Doctor's soul is revealed! See him! See the heart of him!” Caan shrieked, laughing happily. _

_ “The man who abhors violence,” Davros continued. “Never carrying a gun. But this is the truth, Doctor. You take ordinary people and you fashion them into weapons. Behold your Children of Time, transformed into murderers. I made the Daleks, Doctor. You made this.” _

_ The Doctor could barely get his words out. “They're trying to help.” _

_ Davros completely ignored him. “Already I have seen them sacrifice today, for their beloved Doctor. The Earth woman who fell opening the Subwave Network…” _

_ “Who was that?” the Doctor asked, confused. _

_ “Harriet Jones,” Rose told him. He could only stare in horror. “She gave her life to get you here.” _

_ “How many more?” Davros croaked. “Just think. How many have died in your name?” _

_ The Doctor tried desperately not to think about it. He didn’t want to think back, to look back, but the people started flooding his head regardless. Jabe, who had kept holding onto that lever. The Controller, giving him the coordinates of the Daleks before no doubt being slaughtered by them. Poor Lynda, Lynda with a Y. Sir Robert of Torchwood House, allowing himself to be ripped apart by the werewolf just to buy them time. Mrs. Moore, killed by a Cyberman. The members of LINDA, sacrificing themselves to pull apart the Abzorbaloff - Bliss, Bridget, Mr Skinner and Ursula. The Face of Boe, giving his last to free the people trapped in the undercity on New Earth. Chantho, slaughtered by the Master. Astrid - poor Astrid - Falling into the core of the ship to stop Max Capricorn. Luke the boy genius, blowing up the Sontaran ship with himself on it. Jenny, taking the bullet. River, frying her own brain in his place. The Hostess of the ship on Midnight, saving his life ... _

_ “The Doctor,” Davros grated. “The man who keeps running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, Doctor. I have shown you ... yourself.” _

* * *

“No,” Rose decided immediately. “Don’t you dare.”

“I can’t look back,” the Doctor choked out.

“Don’t be so  _ stupid.  _ There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your life, I mean, look at it. Look at all you’ve done and experienced. How can you be ashamed?”

“People die in my name,” he muttered. His eyes were filling up with tears.

“People  _ save  _ in your name,” Rose corrected. “Jack, Sarah, everyone. Protectin’ the Earth when you can’t. Savin’ billions of lives in your name. And that’s just Earth - how many people have you saved in your life? You  _ can  _ look back. You can feel proud. Look back.”

“I can’t,” the Doctor croaked.

“I’m here,” she whispered. “We’ll do it together.”

“No,” he moaned.

“Yes,” she said positively. “We’re turnin’ back, okay? Now.”

She spun on her heel. In front of her as far as the eye could see were thousands - no, millions,  _ billions  _ of lifeforms. She recognised a few. Lynda, Ursula - all the people who had died in his name or by his direct cause. Amongst them she knew was the populace of the planet he had blown up in the Time War, and the population of the planet that he and his crew had gunned down.

He hadn’t turned around.

She reached up to his cheek, brushing away a tear. “You’re a thousand-years-old,” she began slowly. “You’ve had a hard, long, dangerous life - trust me, I’ve seen it - of course you’ve got a body count. Yeah, you killed loads of innocent people in the Time War but you’re not that man anymore, not even remotely like him. There are people who died here out of their own choice in order to save the world. All you did was to give ‘em the bravery to do it. If you don’t look back you’re not respectin’ them. If I died I wouldn’t want you to forget me and never turn back. I know it hurts, I know there’s pain, but just denyin’ it isn’t respectin’ what they did. You can look back. It’s okay. I promise. Come on.”

He was crying. She reached up and took his arm. Slowly, very slowly, he turned back and stared at the billions standing before him.

“They’re not angry at you,” she continued. “They don’t want to kill you for what you did. Don’t be scared.”

He swallowed, taking a moment to swallow back his tears before looking up again at the crowd. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly through his tears. “I’m so sorry.”

The crowd began to fade - first slowly, then rapidly. Rose kept clinging onto his arm every second, until the last of the crowd faded away - and all that was left was a great, massive, open space.

“See?” she said quietly. 

He looked down at her, and for the first time saw a small smile.

“Thank you,” he told her sincerely.

“Nice,” a voice interrupted from behind them. Eleven. Rose turned back and saw him striding towards them.

“No!” she cried, grabbing the Doctor’s arm and starting to run. “We’ve gotta get to a memory with hope!”

“We can’t,” the Doctor croaked. “He’s trapped us here …”

“No, not after all this!” she cried, pulling him to a stop. “Quick, think, where’s your hope? We can’t beat him without …”

She suddenly trailed off as the penny dropped.

“Oh my god,” she whispered.

“What?” he asked anxiously.

“It’s me,” she muttered.

“What?” he asked again, confused.

“Listen!” she grabbed both of his arms, looking straight up into his eyes. “You’re missin’ your hope. You can’t beat him without it.”

“So what do we do?”

“Take my hand.” She let go of his arms, and held out her right hand.

“Why?”

“It’s me. I’m your hope. I’m your hope object. Do your absorbin’ thing and then you can beat him.”

He stared at her in horror. “But …”

“I know what it means,” Rose insisted.

“I can’t …”

“Come on!” she urged. 

“I’ll never see you again …” he croaked.

“I’d be in your head,” she insisted. “Part of you.”

“But you wouldn’t be real,” he moaned. “I wouldn’t be able to touch you, hear you, speak to you ever again.”

“But you’d be alive,” Rose said positively.

“I can’t do this!”

“Please,  _ please  _ do this. For me!”

“But the kids …”

“Will have their Dad and a whole load of people who love them,” she completed.

“Who aren’t their mother!”

“I’ll be with you, in your memories,” she said. “And don’t you dare turn away from me. Remember me, think about me every day, okay?”

“I’m not doing this!” he shouted. He was angry now. “I’ll die first!”

“You don’t get it, I’m not givin’ you a choice!” Rose snapped back. “I’m choosin’ to do this because I love you and I want to save your life so shut up and take my hand!”

“I’m not doing it!” he shouted. He was no longer the vacant Doctor she had become accustomed to - he was one emotion short of being the Tenth Doctor and he wasn’t going to take this lying down.

“Tough!” she shouted, and grabbed his hands. He tried to pull away but it was as though they were glued - melting into him, to become part of him.

“I’m sorry,” she said seriously. “Tell everyone I love them.”

“No,” he moaned. 

“It’s okay,” she said softly. “I want this. Don’t forget me. I love you.”

As her body began to go numb, she got onto her tiptoes and kissed him fully on the lips for several long, beautiful seconds. When they finally drew back her heart sank. He looked so sad.

“I love you too,” he said quietly.

And that was the last she heard as Rose Tyler faded away.


	15. Rose Tyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor wins the mental fight, but has lost Rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one! References to previous stories here - Braxiatel/Brax is the Doctor's brother, who was discovered in Volag-noc in the story Echoes. Originally Jackie's son Tony was taken by a past version of Jack.

The Master kept his fingers on the Doctor’s pulse as he finally began to settle. His Tenth persona had won whatever had gone on in his head.

The Master quickly checked his hearts, making sure the unconscious Time Lord would live. Once satisfied, the Master got out of the car and moved to the back seat, pulling out a flare and using it. It spiralled up into the air and dutifully popped.

Then he left.

* * *

The Doctor jerked awake with a start.

He immediately gasped in air, feeling as though he’d been holding his breath for slightly too long. As he inhaled he could feel the oxygen inflating his lungs better than it had for months. Wait. These weren’t his lungs. Were they?

He groaned, reaching up weakly to run his hands over his face. No, same face. Had he regenerated into the same body? He’d done it? No, not  _ he … They.  _ Him and Rose.

“Rose?” he moaned, opening his eyes. He quickly realised he was in a car in the passenger’s seat, and Rose was underneath him. He grunted, trying to move but his entire body seemed to be made of lead - exhausted from his mental battle. He managed to grasp the handle of the car door, open it and consequently fall backwards out into the concrete below in a heap.

“Ow,” he moaned to himself, struggling to sit up and rubbing the back of his head. Rose was still in the car, unmoving, and above them in the sky he could see a flare hovering. Had Rose done that? Why were they in a car on a side road? If they had both been in the passenger seat, who had been driving?

After a few minutes of intense willpower he managed to get upright, leaning on the car door for support. He reached in to check Rose’s pulse. Still going. Then somewhere in his mixed up head he realised what had happened. 

He quickly moved his fingers up to her temple, closing his eyes, hoping, praying …

Nothing. 

He checked again, desperately hoping he’d missed something.

No. No cerebral activity.

She was brain-dead.

“No,” the Doctor moaned out loud, feeling his legs give way from beneath him. He ended up on the concrete again, but he didn’t care. He took her hand in both of his, holding onto it. She was so warm. Still alive in her body, but her mind was gone. She’d given all she had to save him.

“Oh, Rose,” he moaned. “You brave, adorable,  _ stupid  _ girl …”

Then he began to cry. He couldn’t help it. He cried for a solid ten minutes, not even flinching when he heard the TARDIS materialise behind him.

“Thete!” his brother, Brax shouted from behind him. Immediately there was the sound of running footsteps as a crowd of people - Brax, Martha and Jack - advanced.

“You’ve regenerated!” Martha realised as she reached him, but very quickly they recognised that something was very, very wrong. Martha looked at the others, then at the Doctor, and then at Rose. She made to check Rose, but the Doctor quickly stopped her.

“Please don’t touch her,” he muttered, not moving his gaze from his wife.

Martha pulled back her hand, her face falling. “But …” she began, side-glancing at Rose. “She’s breathing.”

“She’s brain-dead,” he croaked.

“What happened?” Jack asked quietly.

The Doctor chose not to answer, just sniffing and wiping his face on his sleeve.

For a while, there was only silence before Brax finally spoke, “we need to get her back to the Tardis,” he said, moving forward to take her.

“Leave her alone,” the Doctor said, finally looking up at his brother.

Brax didn’t stop. “Thete -”

The Doctor’s face immediately changed to thunder. “Leave her alone!” he demanded fiercely.

“Brax,” Jack said quickly in the uncomfortable silence that followed, pulling the older Time Lord back. “Leave it.”

Then they just stood there in the road, staring at Rose Tyler before everyone began to cry with him.

* * *

The Doctor had carried Rose back to the TARDIS infirmary himself, allowing no one to touch her. He put her on one of the beds. She looked so serene. So peaceful. So angelic.

The others had found Leah, Alex and Kiana asleep in the house, who had been checked over by Martha and declared fit and healthy. They had all remained asleep and Jack had taken them to their rooms. They would have to tell them when they woke up. Martha had attempted to check the Doctor over too but he just pushed her away, sitting still and silent beside Rose. He hadn’t even changed - still covered in blood. He cleaned her up though, wiping off the blood and redressing her in her favourite pyjama combination.

Jackie was utterly distraught. In the time he and Rose had been busy regenerating, Tony had reappeared in a crackle of teleport, but with Rose’s brain death, she was inconsolable. She hadn’t visited the infirmary yet, and the Doctor didn’t blame her. Seeing the body of her only daughter never to wake again might just send her over the edge. She’d already been through enough today.

Thankfully Brax had put the TARDIS in the vortex to keep them hidden from unwanted intruders. He’d also been to see Rose but he hadn’t stayed long. The Doctor didn’t blame him either. Brax wasn’t very good at empathy.

People had been in and out to see her, crying and lamenting in turn. The girls had hugged him and the men had given him hearty slaps on the shoulder - except for Jack, who had kissed his head and shared some tears with him. But he felt nothing but pain. Said nothing but ‘thank you’. Did nothing but cry. 

After that they’d gone, leaving him to grieve on his own.

He knew he should probably sleep but he didn’t want to. He didn’t even think he could. Not when he was trying to think of what he was going to tell their children when they woke up. Yes, it has always been a possibility. He knew Rose would die before him, but not this quick. Not when the kids hadn’t even reached double figures yet.

He had no idea how he was going to say it.

Finally at around 4am he drifted, fading in and out of sleep in his chair, still holding Rose’s hand, when suddenly he was awoken by a voice.

_ Doctor? _

The Doctor suddenly looked up in alarm, his eyes wide. “Rose!?” he cried.

_ Oh my god, is that me!? _

The Doctor jumped up to launch himself at Rose, grabbing her shoulders. “Rose, I heard you, can you hear me!?”

_ Doctor, what the hell is goin’ on!? _

Rose’s lips hadn’t moved.

“Rose? Are you there?” he cried, slapping her cheek lightly. “I can hear you!”

_ Doctor, help, I can’t move, I dunno where I am! _

He pulled back from Rose’s body, staring at her in utter bewilderment. This wasn’t real. This was the bond severing. This was insanity … No. He couldn’t. This wasn’t  _ fair ... _

“Please don’t,” he moaned, hitting his head so hard it hurt.

_ Ow! _

He gasped, checking the room again. “Rose, is that you!?”

_ Yeah! What’s happening!? _

“What can you see? Where are you?”

_ I don’t know, I can see myself on a bed but I can’t move! _

The Doctor refocused his eyes across the room to the door of the infirmary. “What can you see now?” he asked.

_ I’m in the infirmary, I can see the door! _

The Doctor quickly realised what was happening, though he could barely believe it. “Rose … what was the memory we lost?”

_ What!? _

“I need to check it’s you.”

_ I miscarried! Now get me out! _

The Doctor closed his eyes, struggling to cope with the realisation.

_ It went dark! _

“I closed my eyes,” he muttered.

_ But … Oh my god. _

“Yep,” he muttered.

_ I’m in your head, yeah? _

“Yep,” he repeated, popping the ‘p’.

_ What!? But how? I’m dead! _

“You’re not dead,” the Doctor realised slowly. “You’re brain-dead. Your consciousness has moved. It’s inside me. I think the bond saved you, when it was saving me at the same time. The bond means our selves are literally intertwined and when you gave yourself as the final object to me you literally became part of me.”

_ But I wanna come out! _

“I don't know how,” he confessed.

_ You've gotta know! _

“Sorry, believe it or not I can't remember this ever happening before.”

_ So what do we do? _

The Doctor paused, closing his eyes again to think.

_ It went dark again! _

“I’m thinking!” he told her.

_ Can’t you think with your eyes open? _

“Shh!” he urged, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I need to talk to Brax …”

_ Go on, then! _

“I’m going!” he said, running out of the infirmary door to the kitchen. 

* * *

In the kitchen, Brax was standing at the counter absently making a cup of tea, whilst Jack was sat staring at a sandwich he was trying to convince himself to eat. There was only silence. 

When the Doctor entered they both looked up. Jack’s heart sank at the sight of him. But his words came as something of a surprise.

“Brax, Rose is alive,” the Doctor said, staring at his brother with wide eyes.

Jack and Brax both stared at him. “What?” Jack asked, standing up to make ready to run to the infirmary.

“She’s in my head!” The Doctor looked desperately at them both. “She’s in my head, she’s talking to me!”

The hope Jack had felt quickly dissipated. A quick glance with Brax confirmed the elder Time Lord was feeling just as bewildered as he was.

“Theta,” Brax began slowly, “Rose is brain-dead.”

“She’s not! Well, she is, but she isn’t, because she’s in my head,” the Doctor insisted. “Her consciousness is in mine!”

“Calm down, Theta.”

“Listen to me!” the Doctor demanded, his expression now angry. “She’s in my head!”

“Theta, I am so sorry, but Rose is dead.”

“But she’s _not!”_ the Doctor snapped irritated. “She’s _in my head!”_

Now Jack was scared as Brax stepped forward, gently resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Theta, please listen to me, your regeneration is …”

“My regeneration is fine!”

“Calm down, let me do a scan.”

“I’m fine!”

Brax suddenly pulled back a fist and slammed it straight into the Doctor’s shoulder. To Jack it seemed a strange place to put a punch but it quickly became apparent there was a little more to it as the Doctor gasped and crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

“What the hell was that about?” Jack asked, slightly disturbed.

“It’s the bond,” Brax muttered, looking at Jack. “It has been severed, he is unstable.”

“You mean he’s gone insane?” Jack asked dryly.

“... I believe so,” Brax murmured, moving forward to pick up his brother’s body. Jack helped, the younger Time Lord’s body so limp he was struggling to keep a hold of it.

“Can we get him back?”

“I am not sure,” Brax confessed. “It’s either that or his regeneration has gone awry. And I pray it’s the latter.”

* * *

_ Doctor! Open your bloody eyes! Come on! _

“Can you not shout?” the Doctor moaned, easing open his eyes. He found himself in the infirmary with absolutely everyone gathered around his bed.

“How are you feeling?” Martha asked gently.

“What happened?” he asked, sitting up, and consequently being overwhelmed with dizziness. Martha quickly eased him back down again.

“Sorry,” Brax said, holding up his hands guiltily. “You were becoming hysterical.”

The Doctor quickly flashbacked to before he’d passed out. His eyes widened like a deer in headlights. “I was trying to tell you, Ro-” he urged, but Martha cut him off. 

“Careful, you’re still in post-regeneration,” Martha said. “You’re a bit confused. That’s all.”

“You don’t believe me,” the Doctor realised.

_ Try soundin’ a little less insane? _

“But …”

_ By not talkin’ to yourself!!! _

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

_ You did it again! _

The others exchanged nervous glances before Brax stepped forward. “Thete, I’m so sorry, but Rose is dead. You know that.”

“No, she’s … okay. I’ll prove it,” he said quickly. “Gwen. Ask me a question only Rose would know the answer to.”

Gwen looked at Brax, wide-eyed. Brax didn’t move.

“Come on,” the Doctor urged. “I know you think I’m insane, so humour me.”

Gwen frowned a little. “Umm …” She thought briefly. “Who’s my favourite fashion designer?”

_ She hates fashion designers, she thinks they're all pretentious. _

“You hate fashion designers,” the Doctor repeated out loud. “You think they’re all pretentious.”

Gwen stiffened slightly, dropping her arms. “That’s what I said to her,” she confirmed, glancing at everyone else.

“Okay, where did me and Rose first make out?” Mickey asked, stepping forward.

_ Alley at the back of the cinema after Love Actually, next to the bins. _

The Doctor pulled a face. “Ugh, really?”

_ Just say it, yeah? _

The Doctor held up his hands. “Apparently it was in the alley at the back of the cinema after Love Actually, and I  _ really  _ don’t need to know anymore about that.”

Mickey looked at the others, nodding confirmation that the answer was correct.

“Rose,” Jack began, smirking slightly. “What’s my favourite film?”

_ Jane Bond. _

“Don’t you mean James Bond?” the Doctor asked.

_ Nope. _

“Oh,” the Doctor muttered, quickly realising. “It’s a porn film, isn’t it?”

_ Yep.  _

The Doctor sighed. “Jane Bond,” he said out loud, before adding, “and why does Rose know that?”

Jack just winked.

The Doctor finally looked at Brax, standing up. “Braxiatel,” he said, pointing at himself. “Any question. Please.”

Brax gazed at his little brother for a moment. “Where’s the weak spot?” he eventually asked.

_ Right shoulder. _

“Right shoulder,” the Doctor repeated, and then consequently understood what had happened ten minutes ago as he looked down at his shoulder. “Hey!”

“It’s her,” Martha muttered, wide-eyed. “It’s her!”

A ripple of delight, confusion and shock rippled through the crowd, but the Doctor had stopped paying attention to them. There was a person hovering at the back of the room.

_ Mum! _

The Doctor quickly got up, supporting himself on peoples shoulders as he moved through the crowd to get to Jackie standing near the door. “Jackie,” he breathed.

Jackie was welling up with tears. She threw her arms around him, hugging him so tightly. “I thought you were dead, sweetheart!”

_ I can feel that! Please tell her I love her. _

“She can feel you,” the Doctor said, still with his arms around her. “She said to say she loves you.”

“I love her right back,” Jackie said. “Can she see me?” The Doctor nodded, so Jackie pulled back and placed a single kiss on each cheek. “There’s one for each of ya.”

He began to cry. He knew why. He could hear Rose sobbing inside his head.

“Sorry," he garbled out, desperately wiping at his eyes. “She’s crying …”

“I bloody hope so,” Jackie told him. “Now go and fix this all right?”

The Doctor nodded, wiping at his eyes again before turning to Brax. “Brax,” he began. “We need a plan. I’m thinking psychograft?”

Braxiatel paused, and then nodded. “I’ll head for the library,” he said, and quickly wandered off. 

The Doctor turned to Martha. “We need to keep Rose’s body alive until we can get her back in.”

“On it,” she said, and headed for Rose’s body.

_ How are the kids? _

“They’re fine,” he replied, but quickly realised that everyone else was now staring at him, confused. “Sorry,” he added hastily, gesturing at his own head. “Talking to her.”

“Clearly,” Jack said, rolling his eyes. “Hey, is it hurting her to be in there?”

“Well … No, don’t think so. I’m not compressing her,” the Doctor reasoned out loud. 

_ Yeah, your head’s pretty empty. _

“Haha,” the Doctor said insincerely.

“She made a joke about empty heads, didn’t she?” Jack supposed, grinning.

“It was hilarious,” the Doctor assured him. “Now, I’m hungry,” he said, and made for the door.

_ How can you think of food when I’m stuck in your head!? Oh, wait, no. Can you get chocolate? I really fancy chocolate. _

“Is this my body or yours?” he asked seriously, reaching the kitchen cupboard.

_ Oh, sorry, I’ll just stop being brain-dead and go get some then. _

He sighed. “You won’t be able to keep guilt-tripping me with that,” he said, retrieving a bar of Galaxy chocolate from Rose’s stash. He just heard her giggle, and he rolled his eyes.

_ Don’t roll your eyes, I saw that! _

He laughed. “Hey, I’m glad you’re not dead,” he said, sitting at the table and biting into the chocolate bar.

_ Me too. _

“You really had me worried for a bit there.”

_ Not as much as you’ve worried me. _

“Guess not,” he supposed, taking another bite. “I’ll fix this, okay?”

_ I know you will. You always do. _

“And if you want to hear it, I love you, okay?”

_ Does it need sayin’? _

His smile widened. “Nah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one: Co-Consciousness  
> Now exiled from Earth and having successfully regenerated into the same body, a freak accident has left Rose’s consciousness trapped inside the Doctor’s head, and the only solution appears to be on the most criminal-infested planet in the universe.


End file.
